I'm more than all that but I feel honesty is the best policy and I can always come back to the details when I need them ...
I guess I do better with questions but right now I couldn't really answer of those either I just wanted to carve my spot in wait for the welcome wagon ... plus I'm not exactly comfortable here and I'm not even sure I belong, don't know if I want to belong, but I really need people that can relate to me and someone that understands me for once in my life would be really ... *sweet* ... o.O close enough I guess.
I feel like my heads going to explode already I just reprocessed the last 2 decades of my life and psychiatric evaluations to recall a vague diagnosis where my therapist claimed he *thought* have Asperger's and some testing done where the results were determined to be inconclusive at the time. Later I developed some *unique* sleep disorders in a clinical study and was told parts of my brain did things they shouldn't ... unfortunately I can actually recall the majority of the conversations or at least the key elements of them I'm focusing on, I've always thought this was weird ... anyway ... later I was actually diagnosed as having Asperger's by my psychiatrist, though I wasn't told my Mother was ... I'm assuming I was expected to "grow out" of it but after reading the wiki I can look back over my life and see its effects in my past as well as my daily life ... and I'm worried about my children, I have a son that clearly shows all symptoms (has been diagnosed as ADHD, something I was also diagnosed with for a while but it was determined I didn't fully fit the profile) and a daughter that is beginning to exhibit similar traits.
Through my life I have been diagnosed with several *it could be's* that are listed as common misdiagnosis' so I'm not really sure where I belong but of all the things they say I've had wrong with me AS is the only one that sum's it all up ... so I either have Asperger's or a dozen or so other disorders but somehow manage to function in a semi human manner in my daily life with some form of control ...
I don't know if I belong but I'll figure it out as I go, whether I do or not I truly think this is the only place I have left to see if I *fit* and I'm pretty sure my son is faces most of the challenges associated with Asperger's ... he's 12 this year so its only going to get harder for him to cope if I don't start trying to help him now ... scares me a bit because I went through my life thinking there was something wrong with the rest of the world now I'm thinking it might just be me, no one has ever really understood me and most people just don't make sense to me ... sorry about all the *dribble* but when things click in my head and I dig through my past my head feels like its swelling and is going to burst if I don't just get it out ... even if I did try talking to anyone around here about it they would just think I've finally lost or that I'm just full of it so it gets posted here where it can be buried by those that follow me into a world I'm still not sure I belong in and worry that my children will belong to ... o.O
I'm sorry if you read through all that and it doesn't make sense, I'll try to read over it again when I can to make sure it isn't complete chaos and at least makes sense to me ... I need to go lay down I processed a lot of information tonight and feel really drained but in a weird way I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and that maybe for once I can get some *real* sleep ... anyway if you can relate or have any questions about me feel free to ask or wait for me to reveal them here if I belong ... I really haven't browsed the site yet so I might not *fit* at all ... o.O
Lost & Found,
Dazed & Confused,
~cXc~
04 Jun 2010, 5:23 am
