Guy who is thinks, more and more, that he has Asperger.

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Hello everyone,

I'm Manuel, a Dutch, quarter-of-a-century-old guy. Currently I study guitar at the Conservatory. I have many, mainly artistically related hobbies, like singing, guitar playing, gaming, reading, running, drawing, and analysing. I'm constantly analysing about everything. It's as if my mind is working constantly trying to solve things, getting this kick of a satisfied feeling when I have imagined a solution in my head.
I'm currently really having a problem at school (the Conservatory), as I'm pretty talented in a lot of fields to a pretty decent level, resulting in me not knowing where I should go. My feelings says one thing, my mind thinks otherwise.

Socially I feel like an outcast. In a sense I do feel that I'm social, or I want to be, but I feel I lack at my communication skills. I do have made friends, but it felt so hard to do, and still, I find it hard just to hang out with them. I mean, I can make an appointment, or just start a conversation at school when I see them, but it always feels so much harder, than I see other people do it.
Also the talking. I used to talk so easily and so oftenly, but now, I'm more of a listener. I feel like I don't want to interrupt, so I wait until a sentence by one talker has finished, but, as with any conversation, the other talks, and another. One has to interrupt to be part of the conversation, it's how it works, but my perfectionism avoids me from doing so, because I want to hear everyone's intended talk from beginning to end.

I saw The Aviator the other day. Fear of stains, like Howard has, I had back when I was young. I still have this desire of wanting to keep everything as new, annoyed when I make a crease in a new box, to give an example. Fortunately that has gone better.

I never had a relationship. And I really long to one. In ways I have this romantic thought, that it will happen one day. Things go as they are supposed to go. Something else in me is saying that I do need to work for it, and grab opportunities. I've done that for more than a year, and it did give me a lot of experience of communicating, especially first meetings, but in a way, I feel I still have a very long way to go. I was quite a very active member of one band forum, and most of the members couldn't understand that I never have had a relationship, because you wouldn't say that by my looks. They have never met me in person, though, and it's my charisma (or lack of), my presence, and my voice that might be the factors that show unconfidence.

In short, these seem the things that are part of life of about every person. Everyone has her/his skills and weaknesses. However, in ways, I really feel different. Rebellious, progressive, misunderstood, lonely. Also, these are things which is really not that uncommon in this world.

There are, however, things where I'm pretty confident in achieving. Like this:
(Check You Tube, reciting pi in 400 digits, I may not link as of yet, being a new member and all.)

I'm so natural about it, that I believe anyone can do it with some practice. It's so bloody easy. It's the reason, that for years, I wasn't so proud of it. It has changed a bit over the years, though.
The thing is, a lot of people mentioned that I'm autistisc. Now, I know there are many forms of autism, and for quite some time, I said no to that. "No, I'm not autistic". I'm social, I can talk to people and look them in the eye. However, when I read about Asperger, some years ago, I actually thought that I may have it. Several days ago, A schoolteacher, who jammed with me for a performance, hardly knew me (we had three practice session), and wanted to talk to me about me. He thought that I have Asperger. This brought me back to this syndrome, and now after the long talk, I keep thinking more and more, that I have it. I'm not mad, or desperate, or crazy about it. It might even be a relief, that I know how I am what I am.

I'm sorry if this is such a long read, but as you might know from a (potential) Asperger like me, I want you to understand me to the fullest detail as possible (which can never be possible, obviously).

Any ideas?

Mano

Welcome to WrongPlanet, and welcome to my time warp.

I can sympathise with you on a lot of things. I'm really good with numbers too, and I've always felt different from everyone else. I used to think of it as a bad thing and that something was wrong with me, but I've learned to stop looking at it that way. I've had a few relationships, but I'm really good at finding the wrong girls. You're missing out on a lot, but not all of it is good, so count your blessings. Everyone has problems with relationships, and I think a lot of people just settle.

But anyway, you are not alone, but you are different. Embrace it. Asperger's isn't so much a disease as it is a different way of thinking, and in many ways it makes you superior to people without it. Don't let it get you down. It's lonely at the top, but it's better than being at the bottom with all the regular people who can't do anything but relate to each other.

Welcome greetings to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, Manuel.

Hello Manuel, welcome,

Some of the things you said sound familiar to me.

Enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

hi, like you Manolito_Mystiq i am always analysing every single tiny little detail in everything and am also not happy until my brain has come up with a solution to this problem that i am completely and utterly happy with but then i start analysing that and it goes on....

i am also in my 20's but have never been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. as i child i only ever had a few friends and was often buliied at school because i did my own thing and wouldn't go along with others. i was diagnosed with dyslexia at school due to spelling problems and always assumed that I couldn't communicate my ideas to people in a way that i was happy they understood me because of that.

when i was at university i met a guy who had been diagnosed with the condition we got on and I was fascinated by him. therefore when he told me what he had i started researching his condition on the internet and was surprised to find that i seemed to display a lot of the symptoms especially the not making eye contact. i do make eye contact but i find it so uncomfortable that i will try to focus on people's mouths so it looks like i am making eye contact but i don't see their eyes or I stare them down. as time goes on and i learn more about the condition i am becoming more and more convinced that i have it. however in House season 3 episode 4; lines in the sand house treats a 10 year old boy with autism, during the episode house remarks that he doesn't pity the boy he envies him which prompts Wilson to reply later in the episode 'you don't have aspergers syndrome. you wish you did because then you would have an excuse not to follow rules' and since i heard that i have been turning it over and over in my mind that no one has picked up this disorder so maybe it is all in my head and i wish i did have aspergers syndrome but i reality am just a bit strange.

Hey Manuel, Welcome to WrongPlanet.net forums.

What sort of symptoms do you think you have to make you think that you have aspergers?

@superboyian:

I think you could make the symptoms out from the story of mine.

I don't say I have Asperger, I might have. I can look people in the eye, but so oftenly I get the message, why I look so weird. Back in 2007, this drive to collect things came back. I spend more than €1000,- buying toys and games, keeping buying them, because this time I wanted to make my collection complete, realizing after a while that it would get even more expensive with all the different items (Transformer Toys and the Zelda games).

In ways I want to connect with people more, I want to be part of the groups, any group, but usually I go home, and be by myself. There has been quite many instances I tried to just go for this disco event, but oftenly I feel so unhappy then. And I radiate that, because many people ask me then if I'm okay.

There was one funny occurrence where I won a three day bootcamp for learning to become better with women (in other words, seduction). I won it unexpectedly, and so I thought I had really nothing to lose (normal cost is like €700,-). I normally wouldn't go for such an activity, and that was especially the reason to just go for it.

The coaches were quite surprised, because they said my looks/physique is definitely not the problem. And I had quite a lot of 'natural' skills of just being myself around people (women), they were actually trying to teach to the students.
When I think back of this, it makes me a bit unsure about me having Asperger or not. The truth is, I still had a lot of problems going further than the usual nice talk and contact.
I do have my conscience and morals, though. I'm not a guy wanting to sleep with every gorgeous girl, in a club. It's what my heart is saying. My sexual drive oftenly says otherwise, though.
It gives my appearance like that of a strong Christian. Pure, innocent, and sweet. This rawness, wildness, I don't seem to express, even in times I want to.
Because back at the bootcamp, the coaches pointed out that I could easily go further if I wanted to, I had this ability to go so smoothly to a progression of communication, but I don't choose to go further.
Also with another workshop of body awareness, where we where dancing tango, and I would be the follower of the (woman) dancing coach. She said, I was holding back, but whenever I 'choose' to just go for it, my level rises anormously.
And it's what a whole lot of teachers say currently at the Conservatory. I have so much in me, so many talents, but it's like I choose not to let it out.

Now having said all this, I'm really in doubt whether I fit in here, I just don't know anymore.

I will get to the doctor tomorrow, though.

Mano