Hello Everyone:
I'm Kathy...Married 18 years and have 2 kids: A daughter (diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome who is now 17), and a NT son (who is 14). Well, to put it straight: The more I learned about my daughter's diagnosis, the more I could see where it came from. Although not diagnosed (yet, I'm in the process of seeing how a neuropsych eval can be done on an adult)...I highly suspect my husband with the same disorder. I have no desire to bash or ridicule, I have a lot of compassion for this disorder, even though it is the most challenging issue I've ever faced in my life. I keep myself in a state of learning for my daugther's sake, and also now for my husband. I don't want to get divorced, but our marriage is hanging on threads. I simply don't know how to help my husband.
Our daughter receives lots of help and she is willing to learn (very thankful for this!).
My husband, however, cannot bring himself to EVER admit a fault or take responsibility for his own actions or choices. Even tonight, for instance! He just called me on the phone and is waiting to AAA to come and jump start his car because..."for whatever reason, my lights were on in the car and the battery is dead." He couldn't even admit the possibility that it was HE who left his lights on (no one drove with him to work). My husband lies about the littlest things, so as not to admit weakness. We are having marital trouble and he blames it all on our daughter, who he openly despises (but sometimes is "nice" to her by taking her out for food...). I have gotten to the point where I am demanding that he get some help, but in the process of denying his involvement in the breakdown of our marriage, he is trying to "set up" our daughter to prove his "point" (that all our problems are because of her).
This sounds so ridiculous, but recently he took my make up brushes from my bathroom and hid them...I'm sure he was wanting me to blame our daughter (because she frequently invades our personal "space"). Only problem is: She would never touch the brushes that were taken, because she wouldn't know what to do with them! He must've had a change of heart because after 2 days, he entered our bathroom and I walked in right after and noticed he put them back. I confronted him (by asking him "What made you decide to put my brushes back?) and he answered by saying they were "on his workbench".
I'm sorry for how stupid this all sounds, but it is a small example of the things he does. He has never supported me in anything I've wanted to do, and seems to get jealous because I have friends or I exercise, or do things without him.
He is 7 years older than me. I married him because I loved him. I thought of him as someone older and "wiser"...I came from a terrible background myself and was looking for stability. In hindsight, his "stability" was a false projection of assurance in himself....I have attended as many seminars as possible (and will continue to do so) to learn how best to deal with the autism in my family. But I am a very sad, lonely person inside, and wonder if this is all there is.....
I'm hoping that I can find encouragement in people who have similar stories. I know that the odds are against us in the marriage dept. Most parents of special needs kids get divorced...but I've got a special needs husband too! My heart breaks for my daughter, who desperately wants to be loved by her dad but is always in debt to him for yesterday....
Thanks for listening,
Kathy
02 Jun 2010, 12:51 am
