New here. My story.

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Hey everyone. I'm a 29 and 350-something day old(ha, looking forward to turning 30, can't you tell?) guy who works a full-time job in a sports medicine field and has been back to school to work towards my goal of attending medical school. I'm not a bad-looking guy, try to take care of myself physically, so it would appear I 'have it going' so to speak. Some months back I gave a 'what if' consideration for a second to me having Asperger's, but just let it go and thought something else was going on. But, last night, while at the bookstore studying, I thought I'd take a look in the Psych section(where this book SHOULDN'T be being it's a neuro disorder) and came across a book titled 'Aspergers on the Job.'

First book I've seen regarding Asperger's. So, my curiosity leads me to open the book and read through a little. Well, the more I read, the more I began to think to myself 'wow...maybe this explains everything' and sigh of relief came over me. For years, you see, I've dealt with anxiety and depression. Things have gotten progressively worse while in the real world in regards to that and other things. A couple of my friends have called me 'socially awkward,' a phrase I reeeeeally hate because it's just f***king insulting really, IMO, but I suppose it can be and is perhaps true. I've been told I don't value myself or try to find value of myself in what others think, I have low self-esteem, etc. None of which I really think is true now. I don't have difficulty socially all the time...there are times that when things are structured, the focus isn't on me, or the conversation is brief, I do ok. When I try to fake the whole 'putting on a smile and fitting in' thing,, it seems to take so much energy out of me. I get exhausted very quickly and have a difficult time keeping things going, get distracted easily from a conversation, whether it's my own thoughts or there are lights flickering, music playing, other people talking, cars driving, etc, etc. I tend to shut down easily, especially emotionally, and have a very difficult time expressing my feelings. One of the things the book mentioned was the expression one gives not matching how one feels. Definitely. I focus intensely on projects, hate unpredicatability i.e. why I have never been able to have any type of relationship because I don't understand what to do next or what's supposed to happen/not happen, trouble reading body language and cues, and eye contact issues as well. If a task isn't challenging enough, I get pretty bored. As the book put it, I fall into what's called a 'pattern thinker.' I overanalyze way too much. I could go on, but those are many of the descriptions the author and some of the people she interviewed had told of in the book. I shared this with one friend whom I felt wouldn't judge me on this, although she's far away, and she is being really nice and understanding of it. I shared the book with my aunt, the person in my family I feel I'm closest to at this point, and highlighted the common characteristics I share with those who gave their accounts in the book. It's a shame that a)insurance is very picky and more often than not it doesn't cover for any diagnostics. I have BC/BS. I figured they at least would, but no. And b) that this again is often categorized as a 'mental health' issue when it needs to be understood as neurological.

My huge obstacles are social settings and even moreso, relationships. I have a hard time connecting with others. I have failed everytime in a dating situation. A few weeks in and that's all. Ends in me feeling confused and very depressed, desiring less and less to give it another shot. While I desire to date, have a relationship, the idea of love, have sex and enjoy it, etc, etc, it has pretty much always made me feel very uncomfortable and just feels awkward.

Anyhow, that's my story. I would love to hear your feedback on if any of this is what you've gone through and what you've done to manage it in order to have a more 'normal' life.

Sthpaw

hello, Southpawcannon
from your description, i'd have to say you are still higher-functioning than me. IOW your problems are surmountable, IMHO.

A warm welcome to WrongPlanet.

Welcome!

Welcome, southpawcannon, to the WP neighborhood.

To WrongPlanet!! !

One of the previous five replies to your post indicated a listening ear, and communicated encouragement. The other four "replies" blocked your conversational ball from even getting to their side of the net. Conversations are successful when the "ball" goes back and forth, with each side offering something to the conversation and receiving something from it.

Autism/Asperger's is a whole new world for me, one that I'm investigating to learn about my failed marriage. Your looking into it for yourself indicates to me that you're well on your way to learning coping strategies, and will eventually build satisfying social relationships. From my NT position, I would advise you to be upfront with people about differing neurological abilities in everyone, and you may find someone willing to invest the time and effort required to uncover the jewel you are, and learn together how to get on in life.

You sound like you do, indeed, have a lot going for you. Keep on learning and growing!

Thanx for sharing all you did, Southpaw, I can relate to so much you said. 47, and just figured
out, after decades of being called crazy,"too sensitive" etc. that I most likely have Asperger's.
Relieved, yet sad, so many years of self- doubt, self-loathing, low self-esteem, because I didn't
know the real reason I was the way I was. Now I do, and I'm learning slowly how to accept and
love who I am even when no one else seems to want to be around.

Hi Southpawcannon,

Thanks for your reply: