Me and my weird issue.

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Hi,
First I would like to apologize for the length of this post and possible cumbersomeness of some sentences. English is not my first language.

The possibility of being autistic never crossed my mind before, but I had problems with making friends and acquaintances so based on advice received on some online forum I've picked up a book by Sean Barron and Temple Gradin "The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships". I though it was going to be just another self-help book for "normal people", but when I've found out it is about autism I kept on reading. I've found so many similarities between my though processes and experiences and Sean's it was uncanny. Later I've found this forum and to my further surprise all of tests I did from the sticky thread point in the direction of me having some form of autism, possibly aspergers. After initial disbelief I now think it is very beneficial I've gained knowledge of it as hopefully it will move me closer to resolving my biggest personal problem, but before I ask for help with it I have to describe myself.

I have very little personality of my own, only behaviors and responses I choose to display because of years of painful social conditioning. School was the worst time of my life. I was constantly fighting with everyone as I was too stubborn to just accept bullying. My emotions are not very pronounced and have little effect on my actions. I don't remember ever being enraged, really anxious. I do feel love, but I feel it a lot stronger when I'm alone and fantasizing than with a live person beside me. The only times I feel really happy is when I'm absorbed in some activity that I'm good at or I'm alone in contact with pristine nature.

I have what everyone around me considers a good life. I have a high paying job and loving girlfriend(unfortunately we have to live far from each other for next few months). I'm the best of anyone I or any of my coworkers,as I have been told, have ever met in understanding how complicated systems work. I see all the details of what I need to do, but I can't force myself to focus on a specific task for more than few minutes. I still succeeded at my work, but I need to learn the ability to replicate this at home. I have great ideas, but if they require more than a day of time to implement I'll never finish them.

I once had an idea for a software program that required about 3 weeks of work. I was very enthusiastic about writing it and I've found someone who put money in escrow to pay me for developing it. First few days were great, but then I started hating the compulsion of finishing it. I have finished it against all of my will, but the unpleasant nature of the experience made me not pick up a new project in a year.

I'm convinced I could accomplish so much more if I overcame this limitation. Does anyone here have a similar problem or a solution to it?
It is not as much as “I can't finish what I start”, but “It is very unpleasant to be involved in something for more than a day.”. And when things are very unpleasant my talent evaporates.

Maybe there are some books someone could suggest to me?

Many Thanks,
Nikt

Welcome to WrongPlanet:)

its not such a weird issue if you just became disinterested in the project once you got more involved in it. That happens to alot of people, writers, artists, engineers of different fields. It can be hard to apply great diligence to the very mundane bits of your work when they aren't as exciting as the main features of your work. Always allocate twice as much time to yourself on short projects than you think they are going to take, you get to work more at your own pace and feel comfortable, and it gives you plenty of time to take breaks and get inspiration.

Welcome to WrongPlanet, hope you find yourself comfortable here.

Thanks for the welcome

TOGGI3, it is not neccecerily mundane bits or the depth of involvement that drive me away from a project, but the time already spent on it. First few days I'm full of enthusiasm and capable of finding unconventional creative ways to solve problems, but then it start to feel "like work". Given more time than initially anticipated I can finish it, but I can never achieve the same quality troughout the project as in those first few days.

I'm not bothered about things taking longer than expected, but even if I give myself more time things that were easy before suddenly become difficult. I can't concentrate and my mind starts to wander about other things and projects. Maybe I should pick up some kind of meditation to learn to dismiss those thought more effectively, but on the other hand these are the kinds of thought that make me good in my work in the first place While initially those thoughts are about the project I'm working on and are helping me find creative solutions. Later they are about everything, but what I need them to be, and they distract instead of helping.

I have similar tendencies.
I get incredible amount of fulfillment and genuine joy from coming up with an idea that is creative, and mine alone. I will then sit and attempt to create it. Generally these ideas utilize a computer (typically database/spreadsheet related) or a piano (songwriting.) Or I'll undertake a project that involves organizing or cataloging. Or I'll start writing a book.
I will be completely absorbed in the project for HOURS after I conceive it. But except for rare circumstances, a new day is a new day and I have moved on. The project now half done represents work and not enjoyment.
The best I can figure is that the payoff I am getting is not in the finished product, but in the idea itself. For example, lets take songwriting. I come up with an idea for a song around 7pm after the kids go to bed. I play around with some melodies and lyrics and I realize some things go together exceptionally well. I start to pick some chord progressions. Now I have an idea of how the song will start and how it will end. I have a great hook. So I start filling in some colors, but the time is 1am. (Where did the time go? I didn't do laundry or clean anything or get anything done at all. *sigh*)
That's ok, I'll pick it up tomorrow when the kids go to sleep again.
But 7 comes, and now there is laundry and the song project and a thousand other things to do. How depressing to have so many things on my plate and no time to pursue my interests. Maybe if I make a spreadsheet of all of the things I have to do, it'll be easier to prioritize.
oooooo, spreadsheet. That sounds fun........
Then its 1am again, and I put everything in a database because I can reuse it. Just have to figure out how to make a program that pops up and asks me to rate the task for the day in priority from 1 to 10. Its such a great idea! I'll do that tomorrow.
But tomorrow at 7pm I am depressed about why I can't finish projects and decide to research it on the internet.
Its hard to feel like you have potential to do great things but not have the sticktoitness to get it done.

Yes Jennm this is similar to my experieces. I think we need to find some mind self-control technique to allow us to stick to it, but without compromising the creativity. There is plenty of such techniques described for NT people, but they all seem to revolve around "clearing your mind". This to me seems like throwing the baby out with the bath water. I need those stray thoughts to be creative, but I need them to be focused on a specific thing.

Welcome to the Wrong Planet forums, Nikt.