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Hello. My name's Felicity. I'm 23 years old and I'm a wannabe (want-to-be) artist. I live in England in a crappy house with my father and sister, and my two unnamed rats. (name suggestions?)

I'm here because I'm depressed. Although I really don't like that word. I feel like it doesn't do justice to how I really feel. Perhaps the word is too overused or something, I don't know. I am depressed, meaning that:

I stay at home nearly every day, going outside for a short amount of time averagely two times in a month.

I barely eat. I do not eat for pleasure, I eat only because I have to. I sometimes try to make interesting meals to make it more bearable, but I do not like eating. Frankly I find food disgusting. Most of it is dirty in some way and the thought of it entering my body is sickening.

Other than "internet friends", I have no friends. I talk to no one other than my father, sister and grandmother. I love them, I think, but our relationships are far from good. My father hates me for ruining his life (money spent on trying to help me, etc), my sister simply thinks I'm weird, and my grandmother is going loopy from age, and doesn't speak english well despite living in English-speaking countries for most of her life.

I have no talents. If I was born with a natural talent I haven't found it yet. There are things I like to do like drawing and web design, but I'm terrible at doing them. I'm good at maths but I don't consider it a talent. Or at least, not a useful one. It doesn't make me happy, it's just there.

I'm in love with someone who isn't in love with me. She lives in another country and we'll probably never meet. Even if we did I wouldn't be able to talk or look at her. I can barely move in the presence of people, and touching is a definite no.

I've thought of suicide every day for as long as I can remember. I've attempted it twice, both pathetically.

I can't recall a time when I was truly happy. But I'm not sure I know what happiness is anymore. If I try to think of the feeling of happiness, it's difficult.

I think of killing people a lot. I have an unbearable hatred for people and the way they've ruined what could have been a great world. I hate their selfishness, ignorance and the way they don't give a **** about anything. Ignorance may be bliss, but it also makes you an as*hole.

The loneliness I feel is excruciating. I don't have many friends (internet friends). If I'm talking to one the feeling settles and I can relax. But the moment they leave/go offline it comes back. I feel it most of the time. I wish I had enough friends to be with at least one person all of the time, but I don't. This feeling of loneliness, it's like a sharp, hot, tingling sensation in my stomach and chest, and it spreads through my arms and to my hands and makes me hit them on things (my desk, usually, since I'm nearly always at my desk). It makes me want to hurt myself. It makes me want to rip my skin off and dig into myself until there's nothing left.




I have Selective Mutism (self-diagnosed). I don't physically talk to anyone other than my father, sister or grandmother. When I mention talking to people I'm referring to typing on the internet. And when I mention listening to people, I mean reading:

Talking to people is very difficult. When I talk one-on-one to a friend the conversation usually consists of them asking questions and me answering, then repeating the same question back to them. I find it very difficult to think of things to talk about, or things to ask them. I imagine that they think I don't want to talk to them, but most of the time that's not true, I want very much to talk to them, I just can't. When I'm with two or more people I usually let them talk, and I just listen. Or try to listen. Most of the time I have no idea what they're talking about. They seem to talk as if reading each other's minds, talking about something without actually mentioning the thing that they're talking about. Not long ago I was with some friends and the subject changed by my friend asking me what Red Dead Redemption was like. (I got the game that day.) I answered, and the subject remained for about a minute. Then suddenly, the subject changed. It happened so fast, it was so confusing. They were suddenly talking about something else entirely and I had no idea what it was. I read back the chat-log and I still couldn't determine what they were talking about. Again, it's like they were talking about something without actually mentioning the thing that they were talking about. Arghh!
I'm hoping that talking to people here will be easier.

I think I was born depressed. When I was small I was always quiet, and I didn't like the company of others. But while being alone, I never really did anything. I would just sit there, waiting for the day to end. And I do that now, still. I'm literally waiting to die. My life will not get any better, I'm incapable of being happy. All I can do is wait. Take each day as it comes. Wait for the next day, and then the next. Until that wonderful day comes that I die, the sweet release from this hell.

I was diagnosed with autism last year. However, I moved out of the area shortly after the diagnosis. My doctor was supposed to send a report to my new GP but I'm assuming he didn't. I didn't get any help. I didn't know much about autism, and I still don't. I don't know what I'm expecting to get out of using these forums. The original idea was to get a better understanding of my autism, feel less alone and possibly make some friends. But now, I'm not sure; and I can't explain why.


I feel like there's a lot more I want to say, but I can't think of it right now.

Sorry for the depressing introduction.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, Felicity.

Hello Felicity and welcome to Wrongplanet. I am Josh and I too am an English person (from the Shire of York). Where abouts do you hail from?

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hello and welcome!

You sound pretty down, but try not to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes you just have focus on taking little steps to make your life better. Find the help that you need to cope and keep posting. You may make some friends here.

For your rats, maybe Rocky and Bullwinkle?

Hi there Felicity.

Do you like the name Anton?

Welcome!

Hi Felicity,

Your not depressing, just typical, have you been to your new GP and asked? GPs havn't got a clue! ask him/her questions if you can, its a crap thing to go through on your own, but being aspie, thats typical, theres the NAS, National Autistic Society aswell you can speak to, if you can, do a random post, and if you have to, babble/go on/whatever just get it out, theres loads from UK here, and the rest of the world, so someone will respond.

You're not alone here, and welcome.