New poster, new diagnosis, spilling it on the floor...

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Hi. My name is Krista (don't let my handle fool you). I am 39 years old and I was diagnosed with AS this week. I am the mother of two young boys, ages 5 and 9 years old. The youngest boy has been diagnosed with autism - high functioning. I highly suspect the oldest boy is AS as we're wired almost exactly alike. I can look at him and tell what he is thinking/feeling most of the time. We often clash because we're so much alike.

It seems odd to have a diagnosis, a name, a reason, and to find others in my situation; others I can relate to, at this point in my life.

I was the kid who was teased by my classmates and my teachers for blurting out answers, saying the most inappropriate thing at times, and having a vocabulary that made my peers always ask me: "What does that word mean?" I was the kid who was in remedial gym - taken out of class, to join the special ed kids (who weren't called 'special ed' back then) - so I could get better at catching balls, dribbling, and running. Not that any of that did me any good.

I had few friends; usually 'misfits' like myself, but they were and still are loyal friends. Because I was the target of other kids and even teachers, I was no one's first pick as a friend. I remember not knowing how to act with other children when I was in kindergarten, so I patted my classmates on the head, like I did my dogs and cats. If dogs and cats liked it, then my new friends would like it, too, right? Yeah. That was a social taboo, I learned later on. But I've always associated people with animals - I "see" animals when I look at people; I'm married to a walrus, gave birth to a mouse and a gorilla.

I was always told I was 13, 14, 15... years old.... going on 30.

So, I dated older men. I looked and acted older; my own age group didn't seem to accept me. I could talk ad nauseam about Watergate, JFK's murder, and if Jim Morrison really was dead in Paris. Since I was young and acted much older, it was my card to a lot of nice dates. Keeping up a relationship was another story.

I am on marriage 2.0 - the upgrade. My first marriage lasted for 7 years and we had no children. My second husband is more accepting of who I am and when I was diagnosed, which I did in secret because I thought he'd think I was nuts, he said, "You know, I see something in Oofie that I see in you but I didn't know how to tell you."

Oofie is my nickname for my youngest boy. Squirt is my oldest boy. They have real names; but their nicknames suit them better, in my opinion. It's been hard for me to break using their nicknames when they go to school.

So now I know why I have the texture aversions that push my over the edge at times, get edgy in malls when there's too much music overhead, and don't "see" faces but animals. I know why I have trouble having a phone conversation and accidentally talk over someone because I can't tell when they're done speaking. I've always felt like work stress, relationships, and and even just encounters with strangers just seemed to different; so much closer to the bone in some ways for me than other people. Now I have a group of people whom I can relate to and I look forward to exploring how we are alike, and how we cope with life.

And a part of me is very, very angry right now. Where was this information years ago? Why did this take so long? When I think about how hard I've worked to be a part of "normal life" or even to just look like I was going along with it, I now understand that it wasn't "me" - there was more to it. The years I've tried to self-medicate (liquid courage) to be socially acceptable and lose my edge, or to dumb down myself so I'd be accepted as a 'normal woman'. Now I know that was and never will be me.

(sigh)... I'm sure you're right. I hadn't heard of AS until a friend at my sons' school suggested that I read John Elder Robinson's book. I connected well with the author but it didn't occur to me as "why" I connected.

When my youngest boy became more verbal last year, at 4 years old (he went from not speaking to reading out loud....) and we started talking, I realized there's a lot more going on with him that was close to my own issues than I had thought. I don't know if I have the right words to communicate the common link. Oofie was diagnosed in April of this year and it was after that I thought of seeking out my own diagnosis. "Where has this been all my life?!" has been a recurring theme for me and this situation.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I empathize, for once. My 11-yr-old daughter was diagnosed with AS seven years ago, and when her psychiatrist listed the symptoms, I said to myself, that's my childhood she's talking about. After my suspicions of having AS myself were confirmed when I started therapy, I initially felt a sense of relief that I was rid of guilt for a lot of my shortcomings; then it dawned on me that I was stuck with these limitations. It's taken some time to readjust, but I feel more confident and in the loop these days...well, probably as in the loop as I'm going to get.

It appears you've adjusted and learned a lot along the way, even before your revelation(s). It's comforting to remember that when life gets unbearable. It just takes those of us with AS a lot longer to get on in life in a lot of ways, and that's a huge accomplishment, even if the "normals" don't care, much less pick up on it.

BTW I love Robison's book Look Me In The Eye and enjoy following his blog and twitter feed. I just checked, he has a new book out called Be Different.

Welcome greetings, fellow-traveler Krista, to the WP community.

Thanks so much. It's nice to let my freak just hang out for once; and no one notices.

Welcome! I am The Ghost!

To WrongPlanet!! !