hello (long ramblings)

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I have been struggling with the question do I have aspergers for about a month now. When I take the test online I am always border line. But I often don't answer the questions the same. I am 35 and have always been aloof in social situations. Since I was little I have always constructed a mesh for how to deal with situations. I wish I could explain it better but basically I put what i know onto a concept map and that becomes how I react and deal with the world.

I have never been diagnosed with any learning disability but I do have a serious issue with depression and panic attacks. Like with many things I have found the way to deal with panic attacks. I can have the prerequisite for symptoms and still be functioning normally. I am able to utilize some of the detached feelings from the panic attacks and detach the panic. As far as the depression goes that one is tougher. It seems to mostly manifest itself in apathy, sometimes to the point of unhealthy self care(or lack there of) practices.

Before I met my wife one of my habits was when I would have a day off I would hide in my room and not talk or see anyone. I would not feel lonely at all. I would actually rejoice in the peace and calm. I considered that time recharging in order to be able to face the world.

One of the issues I have is how to tell the difference between someone with AS who has learned how to use patterns in social interactions and someone who just isn't always with it socially. I see some of the definitions of what it takes to have AS and I honestly am not sure if they fit. I have learned to get by in social situations (well ones I have dealt with before) pretty well. When I was in high school a lot of people considered me to be very empathetic. I was able to just know when people were not feeling happy. But I still to this day can't say how I know this. It isn't that I read there faces or expressions. It isn't the body language. When I try to read people of those I often just mess up. It is only when I let my brain wander that I am able to see what others are feeling. I wish my writing skills were better to explain this. This was a skill I didn't have in junior high. I was clueless what others thought then.

Well I think I will stop writing now. Largely because I have managed to confuse myself again, seems to happen often while writing.

Be safe and have fun.

Hi, and welcome.

Welcome to WrongPlanet dce! I sympathise with the trouble you are having with depression - I have it also as do many of us here. Hopefully you will fell at home here.

Dunc

Hi dce and welcome to the board.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I also have panic attacks and suffer from depression (although because mine is linked to PMDD it is cyclical). I'm quite happy to spend almost all my time at home because I find it so hard going out. When I was at school, and during the short periods I was at work or college I often had to take a day off and spend it alone in my room (like you I feel that it was a way of recharging my batteries).

I also understand the emapthy issues you have- I can't tell from body language but I do seem to just sense when people are down (not so good with other emotions though). This was one of the reasons why I never considered AS until recently. I think rather than it being true empathy I pick up on negative energy and it brings me down too. I'm also not very good at differentiating between sadness and anger- they both just feel negative to me. And rather than just feeling sorry that the other person is sad- which I persume is the NT reaction- I feel the emotion completely.
Then at other times I can not feel anything even if the person who is sad is someone I love.

Hope this all makes sense,
Mel

Thank you for the responses. Mel what you said makes alot of sence. The as I reread what i wrote and read what you did I it made things make a little more sense. I have often considered myself to be an emotional mirror. But it is usually just anger and saddness that I mirror. I also do have trouble with the difference between small amounts of anger or sadness. With large amounts I can often tell because I quickly want to withdrawl from the world and it can also trigger some of the panic attack symptoms. But then again I often miss the ones that are directed at me.

Sigh confusion setting in again

Actually confusion is usually a good thing for me. I try to take overload situations and confusion as learning experiences. It lets me learn alot