Wondering if I'm in the right place

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Hello to all from a newbie! Here's my story. I hope it's not too long for an intro, and would welcome comments.

I grew up in the 1950's and '60's when a diagnosis of autism or Aspergers was rare. As a child I was extremely socially inept, completely unaware that there was a social code of behavior or social structure that everyone else knew by instinct. Things like being part of a clique, knowing how to dress and present myself as others did were impossible for me. Because of this I was laughed at and and ridiculed. This caused me much distress but I did not know how to fix it or even what was wrong. I was clueless.

I also had an eidetic memory and was hyperlexic; because of this I was considered gifted and special and fast-tracked accordingly. This too contributed to my social difficulties since it was not fashionable to be a geek in 1960.

As a young adult I found a job that would support me and withdrew from others into a world of my own. Through study and observation I slowly learned to appear more normal, although I have never felt really accepted as part of a group. I was lucky enough to find a partner that appreciated the good things about me and helped me with the not-so-good stuff...we've been married for 30 years now.

For many years I blamed my parents for not teaching me 'how to behave' or helping me in any way. My father was particularly critical and abusive, and in trying to understand what made him act the way he did I realized that he fit virtually all the criteria for an Aspergers dx. One day a light dawned and I realized - hey, so do I.

From then on I began reading as much as I could about HFA and Aspergers, and concentrating on learning how to behave and react appropriately in a group. I followed Temple Grandin's suggestion of creating a mental library of video tapes of appropriate responses to social situations, and replaying them when I need to know how to act properly. I am probably still not very good at this, but I find as a mature adult I can get away with a lot more eccentricity than I could in youth.

Although I invariably score on the extreme high end of all the on-line aspie tests I've found, I still don't know if I'm in the right place here. I wonder if the skills I've labored so hard to acquire to fit into the NT world now disable me to fit where I feel I belong. I wonder if a dx at my late age (56) would be of any help. Most of all I wonder if on another planet, I'm still on the wrong planet.

Welcome to the site! A lot of us here have chosen to adopt skills that allow us to fit in as NTs. That doesn't mean you're any less of an aspie! You'll fit in just fine on this wrong planet!

I was diagnosed at 48, after a history, from childhood on, that bears many resemblances to yours. My memory is not quite that good, and my father was not quite that bad. But I've never found a partner to help see me through.

I did find diagnosis useful as part of acquiring knowledge and eliminating other possible diagnoses, which could involve different therapies or medication, possibly counterproductively. This after a long history of coping with depressive illness (in which alienation was a definite factor!). There was a definite relief in finding that "fit".
Wrong Planet syndrome indeed.

alex, thanks for taking time to welcome me.

Emmettman, thanks for sharing a bit of your story. I've never run across anyone with a history remotely like mine in real life, so I really appreciate your input.

Like you I have struggled with depressive illness. Taken the meds with disasterous results, so it is extremely unlikely I will mess with my brain chemistry again. But I can't help but be curious as to what dx I would get - part of a compulsion to put things in little boxes, I guess. And it's a great relief to find there are others.

Aeriel, hello and welcome!

You are in the right place, I hope you find some comfort here.

I am 26 and suspect i have Asperger's, when my parents were dragging me to the doctors 'cos I couldn't/wouldn't talk, AS was still relatively unheard of, so I feel an affinity with you. I am 90 per cent certain AS is what I have without an official diagnosis, it just "fits" and this place has sort of become my second home. I hope it helps you too

Welcome, of course you will fit. We have all had to conform in one way or another, no?

Apart from the fact that learning disabilities and anything related to Autism were still probably taboo at the time, I wish I grew up in the sort of culture that was prominent in the 50's and 60's. BUT NO! I ENDED UP WITH A VAGUE RECOLLECTION OF THE 90'S AND ALL THAT OTHER DROSS! (DOB 1987)

My Dad is the same age as you (sorry for making you feel old) and I was wondering Aeriel, how were those times growing up; culturally - and musically - speaking?

Welcome to the greatese firendly communite every.

Hi ARW_AS and thanks for your interest and welcome! Being the same age as your Dad doesn't make me feel old; but looking in the mirror can do the trick quite nicely.

Autism and Aspergers weren't so much taboo as unknown in the 1950's and 1960's. I know that the syndromes were recognized in the 1940's, but they hadn't reached the level of general knowledge necessary for anyone to spot them easily. I don't think it occured to my parents that there could possibly be anything wrong with me, since I was physically healthy and did well on intelligence tests. Other learning-disability syndromes were pretty much unknown as well, and I don't think words like ADD, OCD, etc. had even been invented.

Culturally, it was a much simpler time, and more secure. People tended to be more private about their difficulties, whether emotional, financial or sexual. The neighborhood I grew up in was a community unto itself with cookouts and block parties on a regular basis. We did not fear leaving our house unlocked, leaving kids in the car while we shopped, or strangers with bad intentions. Kids grew up a bit earlier and had more responsibilities than they do now; for example at age 8 I was responsible for caring for three younger siblings while my mother worked.

Musically my youth was a joy. I lived in the San Francisco area and came of age during the flowering of the psychedelic music scene there in the late 1960's. I was a regular at the Fillmore and Avalon ballrooms, where for $1.50 you could attend a 5 hour concert featuring groups that are now legends. I loved the music....this is a huge subject unto itself, so I'll stop now; but thanks for asking. Feel free to PM me if there's something specific you're curious about.

Welcome home!

Welcome Aeriel

Hans Asperger didn't write his paper about "the little professors" until 1945, and then it was in German and not translated into English until about the mid 80's. Kanner wrote about Autism - ie a more severe expression of "social incompetence", about the same time as Asperger and that was translated much sooner.

So until the mid 80s or so, nobody would have figured out you belong to a different social culture to most people. But there are lots of aspie people. Lots of them hang out in Universities. And being aspie - we can still offend each other without knowing why. But being aspie - if we explain ourselves more fully, and add that offending was not the intention - I've found we're more forgiving. So if you upset someone or someone upsets you, don't give up. We aspies will understand. It's part of who we are.

I didn't get a diagnosis until March this year, I'm 40! and I can't get a formal diagnosis because nobody here is an expert in Adult diagnosis - but I know I fit. And I've got lots of social training layered over the top - so it's hard to tell until I'm stressed. And then all that politeness goes to hell. And I become blunt as a hammer and just as direct. The best thing about knowing about Asperger's Syndrome - is I know that my social incompetence is something I can work at compensating for, but I will never fix it - so I can stop kicking myself when I stuff up and just get on with doing repairs.

That's probably over simplifying, but I think you fit right in - even your doubt about fitting in is aspie.

Thanks everyone for your welcome messages and encouragment. I am beginning to feel quite at home here already.

This is such good advice that I'm surprised it isn't part of the stickies on the various forums. One of the aspie traits I think most of us share is social difficulties; I know I've got 'em, anyway. I'm sure this can extend to communication through posts and PM's. So I will try to be sensitive to others and not oversensitive myself.