Hey, I'm new, just signed up yesterday.
I'm a 26-year-old guy. I've always had a special brand of weirdness, but I've never been psychologically evaluated. I've always been happy with who I am, but lately I feel like I hold myself back, and I don't see how to move forward in life. I've always found Asperger's to be fascinating, but it's only been upon a recent reading of the subject that I've realized just how closely I match virtually all of the criteria. I'm nearly certain I must have Asperger's or PDD-NOS to some degree.
Physical clumsiness? Check. I feel like I move awkwardly, drop stuff, spill stuff, and I was always laughably bad at sports.
Narrow interests? Check. Video games dominate my thoughts, with movies and general computer stuff being among the only significant secondary interests. I enjoy photography and travel, but on an everyday basis, that's what I'm into.
Verbosity? Check. I've always had a proclivity toward inserting words that I like into my conversations (such as "proclivity"). I find it much easier to write than to speak, and my speech is littered with stumbling awkwardness.
A misunderstanding of how to act in a social situation? Mostly. I think I understand people's emotions and intentions in conversation, but I react poorly to them. I never know what to say. Conversations flow for most people, and I need a moment to think. For me, the worst are the stupid little things people say when they're just trying to be friendly, but probably don't actually want to talk. "What's up?" is usually met with a sullen "Hey." I always struggle to give the right response to these everyday situations. Depending on whether I feel comfortable with a person, I can carry a one-on-one conversation pretty well, so long as I have time to think about what I will say. If I'm not able to write out a "script" in my head while a conversation is going on, then I'll almost certainly fail.
Lack of empathy? I'm not sure. I truly do care about other people, but I feel like I fail in demonstrating that. I always feel like the tone of my sincerity leaves something to be desired. I've always felt like I'm the "escapist" friend, with the very few close friends I've ever had. People just talk to me about what they know I'm interested in, not so much serious things. It bothers me that people might think I don't care, but I just can't express it.
Problems with humor? Yes and no. I used to be considered something of a class clown in early elementary school, but that was probably just due to my weird ways of thinking and general goofiness. It's strange, because I feel like I'm both serious and goofy at the same time. I've always wished I could say witty things, but mostly my humor comes from my off-the-wall thoughts and observations. I understand humor, and I'm notorious for my unique and loud laugh. But some humor, especially mean-spirited humor, even if I understand it's just a friendly jab, is often lost on me. I've also heard about people with AS and gullibility, which is something I've kept in check over recent years, mostly because I've been had too many times.
Trouble sleeping? Fairly often, yes. I just can't tell my brain to shut itself off, to stop thinking about whatever it will.
Repetitive rituals? Yes, while I definitely don't think I meet the criteria for true OCD, I do have repetitive thoughts, and sometimes act out illogically (such as double-checking a door I am certain I locked). I also struggle with things like twitching the muscles in my nose and eyes.
So, I feel like I fit the criteria pretty well. The reason that I'm suddenly wondering about whether it matters that I might have AS (or something like it), is that I'm starting to feel trapped in life. There are things I want to do that I find myself unable to do. I've been out of college for four years. High school was four years, college was four years. Now Another four have passed, and nothing has changed. I'm in a very much "just-out-of-college" sort of job, and I don't see myself attempting to move forward. I've still never been on a date. These are two things that have bothered me a lot lately, and it scares me that I don't see how I can change my circumstances. I used to be very orderly, and I always got things done. In my job, I pretty much never have deadlines, and people are pretty easily impressed by the little work that I do turn out. In other words, I'm safe, but bored and never get much done. Throughout my life, it was expected that I'd do well in school and go to college. Now that I've done those things, and put in a position where so little seems to be expected of me, I feel like I've become lazy, and I don't like that. Likewise, as much as I thought I might try to be more outgoing as I grew up, it's never happened. Where I live after college, I only have one close local friend (my college roommate, so it's not like I had to be outgoing to get to know him). As much as I've always been proud of being able to entertain myself and do just fine in solitude... I have to admit that in four years of living alone, I've had my fill of involuntary loneliness. The appeal of being by myself and doing whatever I want isn't as great as it once seemed. It makes me feel like I've made a mistake by never even trying to take a girl on a date. Now I have so much to catch up on, and no social skills to help me through it. And while it's not like I'm doomed to a life of eternal bachelorhood just because I'm unfamiliar with dating at age 26, I've had the relatively recent revelation that I'd better start soon... but I don't see how.
It all revolves around venturing into the unknown, meeting people that I don't know, dealing with social situations that I'm afraid of. These are things I want, but being an independent adult, find it hard to force myself into. Do I need to know something deeper about myself before I pursue any new life goals? Would a diagnosis be a good thing for me? For most of my life, I've just thought of myself and a weird awkward nerd, but maybe there's something more to it than that? It would be nice to know, if only because other people have dealt with the same issues and I could learn from those who have come before me.
... but of course, I don't know the first thing about who I would go to, where to look, etc., even if I could make the bold decision get evaluated. Sigh.
21 Jul 2010, 12:48 pm
