Help...scared alone confused how to help/reach my 18 yr old

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Hi all! Registered to this site a few days ago. Been browsing, reading very familiar posts, and watching the really informative you tube videos. Took a while to post because I've been suffering so long unable to understand what to do to make anything better for my son, that I've become depressed myself. My son is an 18 yr old in the 11th grade with massive deficits coping with any type of stress. He turns "off" and hides into his computer, plays his video games on xbox, or sleeps. Diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and Bipolar Disorder (?) which I dispute alone with his therapist; along with Asperger's Disorder (no doubt), and due to inability to cope along with bullying and isolation from severe lack of social skills, he exhibits Panic Disorder and Depression. The wall he has up is inpenetrable when he needs me most. This kills me!! ! I feel like when I'm talking to him, or asking him anything that I'm simply talking to myself. Why does he give up? The absolute worst thing that happens when he is overwhelmed is that he completely gives up...in therapy, with me, with school work, confidence is very low, and I feel like a failure even though I know that it's not that simple. AAAAAAHHHHH!! ! I want him to graduate. I want him to enjoy a real friendship. I want him to be able to have a real life. When I ask his psychiatrist whether he will ever have a life on his own, she states that she doesn't know! Well as you can tell my mind is overstressed after years of this. I hope it makes sense. Anyway, I'm at least happy to find a site like this one to vent, become more informed, and I absolutely know that I will receive complete honesty here, as well as support. Thanks for letting me ramble.

My sympathies.

What actions are you taking?

Normally I don't think homeschooling is a good idea but your son sounds like a prime candidate from my personal experience of having AS because you nearly described me, only I couldn't even make it through one year of highschool before my problems got so bad I refused to go completely.

But maybe he's too old. I'm getting a GED, maybe he could do that? Remember that just because YOU want your son to have a friend or graduate, doesn't mean HE wants to or is even capable of doing that at this time. Try the Parenting Forum.

Welcome greetings to the WP forums, wornoutNY-rn.

Your son reminds me of "Simon"...a young man about the same age of 18, living in Rochester, N.Y., still in high school and he will remain in high school until age 21. Then, at age 21, this young man will enter a sheltered employment setting where he will gain a sense of "usefulness"and importance, like the rest of us, as we all live and work within the community.

So, don't fret mom...there are plenty of services to assist your son in New York State as he gets older. If he wants to live in a commmunity residence or supportive apartment when he enters his 20s where he can live and socialize with others with similiar needs, it may be beneficial to him. New York State has many outstanding community residences and supportive apartments; however, most are in the Upstate region. Either way, let him enjoy life as he sees it...

To WrongPlanet!! !

Wow, you almost described me! I retreat when I am stressed too. I am an adult now, but in high school I was almost non functioning. My parents wanted to avoid embarrassment (my mother actually said, "If I take you to a psychiatrist, what will the neighbors think?) so they just left me alone, ignored me. They didn't know what to do with me. It is good that you are taking such a part in your son's life, you WANT to help him. He is very fortunate to have you.

I somehow managed to graduate from high school and even get a job. I am even, believe it or not, married to an NT who does not understand me, but does accept me. He gives me my space when I need it and he helps me with the social stuff.

Maybe your son feels crowded by your attention. I don't know, when I retreat to the safety of my own world, I don't like people coming around at all. I just want to be left alone. The more you push, the more I retreat.

My husband has learned how to handle me during these time (yesterday was one).

He gives me space. every once in a while he will come in to me, sit down (without touching me) and start to talk to me about one of my "special topics" (stuff that really, really interests me). He does not pressure me to talk about what is troubling me, or anything, he just listens to me.

Sometimes it takes a lot of time to get to that point, other times it takes no time at all.

He gives me a safe place to just be without any pressure. The world is a dark, scary, noisy, confusing place to me and a lot of the time I don't like it at all. He gives me a place where I don't have to conform to any societal standard, I can just be me, talk like me and act like me. He doesn't think I am strange or odd, just unique and special and extraordinary.

What I am saying is that he empowers me and lets me know that even though I don't really fit in with the rest of the world, I fit in when I am with him and it is more than OK to be me, it is wonderful. I don't feel like a misfit most of the time with him.

Maybe your son needs a haven, a place to hide from the world and relax but still have power. I wish you could talk to my husband, I bet he could help you a lot! LOL

Maybe you don't need to reach your son, maybe he needs to space to reach out to you. I don't know...that worked for me.

It is so so nice to have people who really understand. Not sure yet how, but I will not give up. I will back off a little more though. I know the walls go up more when I try too hard anyway to communicate with him when he can't. I'm hoping that he at least eeks by and graduates. So happy to have ears that really get what I'm talking about. Thank you all.

My husband tells me to relax all the time, but sometimes that is the hardest thing!
I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

A very special Welkome to WrongPlanet, with a K.

The WP Kink

I found this article and sent it to my husband. It has some good advice. It may help you and your son.

How to Respond to Autism Meltdowne