Elisyrxes wrote:
I can't fast, I'm already underweight. I forget to eat when I'm depressed. I guess that means I fast when I'm depressed, in some way at least. I'm not thinking about it though. I think maybe I want to be here right now before the depression brings me to do something I might regret.
I've tried herbal remedies. They don't work. I had a job and went to school for two months. This laptop I paid for with the money from that job. Law Office... It was easy, for me. Computers are easy too. I could finish three days worth of work in one day, and then I'd take a break. That didn't work, because I got the job from my neurotic aunt who works 48 hours straight and gets three hours sleep... and got less work done than I did in a day. She expected me to do the same thing. Pushed me. Badgered me. Told me to ignore my mom when she was in the hospital dying. That I needed to move on and learn to help myself. I began to hallucinate from the stress and almost stabbed my uncle with a knife. The man who says I should work hard... and he himself wakes up at noon, sits in an armchair all day screaming at politicians, then goes and gambles the rest of the day. Ever since then, I can't stand to hear, "You need to help yourself before you can help others." Because by now I know that's a blatant lie.
Lie. That's it. It is a lie. Told by those who need an excuse as to why they're to busy to help anyone but, of course, themselves. I'm in poverty and I've done more for other people than those horrible relatives, and... I'm honestly proud. Just now I guess I can see that and I feel a lot better.
But that is only one story. Still, it represents my view of the world because it was the most recent. I forget easily, and I think that is a blessing more than anything else. My life, I'm sure, is full of things like this. But I forget them, and for that I'm thankful.
Regardless, I dislike those people who told me to help myself. Hate... is too strong a word. I've hated before, but coming down from the anger, I realize I don't. Hate is a pretty big thing for such a small word. But I don't want help from people like that. They told me I wasn't... the problem. That thing I hate to say. The reason I'm here. But I am what I am, and I accept it... if only in silence. I'm tired of pretending to be normal.
I can't seem to find what I would consider sane people, in a world that claims it is sane. But it is sane, and sanity is just another word for majority. This leads me to lock my door and not leave the apartment. Ever. I won't shop. Eat. New clothes? My clothes all have holes in them. Nothing. I do nothing. The bare minimum to survive, and even that's starting to slip away. I buy things in place of food, so that I may build some false reality around myself, if only for a few days at a time. A distraction, please. That's all I want. Something to pretend it's my friend. "Wow, it's a great morning, don't you think?" I ask a fictional character or inanimate object. I have conversations with historical figures in my kitchen for the sake of company... and it's starting to fade, and what little I have in this home is beginning to mean less and less to me.
And as the people I care about die around me, I find myself becoming more and more alone each year. My family is gone. Almost gone. I don't know how long until they all leave me.
I don't know what else to say.
You're not alone. Surely you can always find someone at this forum to talk to. And you're not the only one who has been so DOWN and lonely that you began to talk to yourself. I had a tremendous load of bad luck some years back during which time I lost everyone I was close to all close together, got sued twice, was physically sick, and had the biggest breakdown of my life which brought on the change of life early for me, which also caused more problems. Add to that, I was only making about $600 a month off an Internet business that I had been working on -- MY DREAM! To support myself from home. That was the only way I could see myself having any kind of future, because of my trouble coping in this strange world. Now, it looked like I was going to lose everything before I finally made that dream come true.
But my income continued to go up. I somehow made myself do things that scared the daylights out of me; just simple things, like getting food stamps, terrified me. But I did it. And I got through it. I'm still here.
I'm still alone. But the Internet is enough company for me. Besides I'm no good at face-to-face communication with most people (that Majority), and only go out for supplies as infrequently as possible. Once in a while, I feel a little braver, and will even make an excuse to go out. But most often, it's a stressful thing for me, just to go out the door. I, too, have always "pretended" to be "normal." I still "pretend" to be alright, even though inside I'm in knots.
Please don't let yourself sink lower.
It sounds like you're getting by financially, even if your income is very low. Getting by is better than not getting by at all. Please try to see the full half of the glass. Open your windows, and let in some sunshine. Try to make a habit of thinking up funny things. Laugh out loud even though you're alone. So what if someone sees. There's no crime in laughing alone.
If you have any knowledge to share with the world, a talent in poetry or writing, or modeling, whatever, consider building a web site and publishing that information. Once you have enough traffic to your site, you can put up some ads and make some extra dollars. There's also eBay. Many people who used to make their living traveling from state to state like gypsies, hitting every flea market, buying and selling used stuff, are now doing it all on eBay from home. Buy old junk stuff, make something out of it and auction it off.
Be stalwart. Be relentless. Be as stubborn as a mule. And remember that old saying, "Necessity is the mother of invention." Think about it. Instead of talking to those imaginary friends, see if you can invent a new kind of stay-at-home business.
27 Sep 2010, 5:20 am
