Intro

Post Reply New Topic

Well, I put something of a dossier into the sticky, but I'll give a better introduction here.

I'm 21, male, have three siblings (two NT, one who I think is more aspie than I am!) and I just found out about Asperger's almost a month ago thanks to getting dumped by someone I thought was Miss Right and wondering "why?" When I first found out what it was, I became so utterly fascinated that I stayed up all night (close to eleven hours) reading everything I could, and taking notes about how I matched up with (and differed from) the DSM-IV criteria, case studies, and other online resources.

It seems pretty common that people with AS are aware of how "different" they were as children. I was, as well. I couldn't quantify it, but ever since I was young I've had an incredible vocabulary, I've always interacted with people -best- who weren't and aren't my age (either younger or older), unless those people are nerds, geeks, oddballs, goths, or other social outcasts.

My upbringing was not typical. I was home-schooled K-12, and that was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I could pursue my interests because I could complete necessary educational requirements in less time than at a public school--and my education was above average. I also had plenty of opportunities to see, play with, and interact with other kids (although even among them I was something of a pariah--I was a "know it all" and "weird" so I didn't have many friends my age.) Although I was somewhat ostracized, it also shielded me from more serious problems that most people with AS have in schools. On the other hand, the fact that I did not have those other problems led to very few real external signs that I was different, so it's only now that I'm discovering this. My parents just thought I was a loner, and that I was kind of different, but not "weird" or in any position that would necessitate professional interaction.

As a child, I always had trouble touching soft things. Cotton literally hurt to touch, and I still can't stand the touch of velvet. I used to throw tantrums up until I was probably seven whenever I'd get a drop of water on my clothes because it was uncomfortable.

I was somewhat hellacious and tantrum-prone at times, but not to some of the extremes I've read in my studies.

When I was a teenager, I was severely depressed, self-injured before self-injury was cool (pardon if this steps on people's toes, but...), and was suicidal at times. I was intolerably lonely despite being around my family all the time. I was at a paradox--I was very cynical about other people because I was not welcomed as a child, but at the same time I wanted to have friends. I was raised Christian and remain so, and we attended church regularly. I always interacted with adults there, but I was very shy around other teenagers--especially girls, and among them especially those I liked. I was treated much the same as I was as a kid--I intimidated people in Bible classes with my encyclopedic knowledge and superior reasoning abilities. I remained depressed until September of last year at the age of 20 (I first showed signs of depression at 13), when I finally got medicated (I resisted it as a teenager), and ultimately after eight months of treatment, I was able to manage my depression without the help of Paxil.

I've had one girlfriend (she's an aspie, long distance relationship) and we were "together" for close to two years...we'd known each other for over four years when we decided to try. We returned to friendship because it wasn't working. I dated a different gal (I'd known her four months before I asked her out) twice this year, but she broke it off because she just "didn't have feelings." She and I got along really well, and everything seemed great, and she seemed as close to perfect as I'd hope to find, but... It was that event that got me to question "why am I the way I am?" and that led me to AS, where I finally found answers to many lifelong questions I've had.

When I brought up my own findings about AS to my ex-girlfriend, she told me I had "neon signs flashing aspie" all around me, but she never made the connection. She just thought I was an odd NT.

I haven't had a bad life, despite my problems. I am academically excellent, I live on my own (but I hire my youngest brother to do some of my housekeeping, hehe), and I kept my first job at a supermarket for two and a half years before leaving to start a business with my sister. I actually went back to that first job when our business became slow for a period, and my old boss, instead of paying me base, he actually gave me a raise over what I was making when I first left! I was a good employee to him because I showed the kind of dedication to my job that I show to my own narrow interests. I left that job again shortly before I found out about AS, because my debts were paid and business has picked up so tremendously that working at the grocery store was actually costing me money because I didn't have time and energy to focus into the business.

I say my interests are narrow, but actually they cover a wide range of topics--it's just that when I become interested in something, it's all encompassing. The topics vary from time to time; I spent months obsessed about the atom bomb when I was fourteen and I read everything I could about it. I've spent weeks and months on different subjects, studying them to exhaustion or until something "shinier" catches my attention...this has ranged from to particular anime shows, to authors (J.D. Salinger), to musicians/bands (Beethoven, Alice in Chains), to artists (Rembrandt), to physics, to cellular cytology (my maternal grandfather was a doctor and I found his books one day last year...) I've probably had two dozen of these pervasive interests that I can remember, and I retain the information I read and discovered. Currently I'm fixated on AS, self-improvement, and learning about how NT people think and feel...so here I am!

It's funny, I've always known I was different, and from the time I was a teenager I tried to imitate NTs, and passed my entire life as "NT, just odd" as described by my aspie ex-girlfriend. I have to concentrate on eye contact (my sister always bugged me about it when I was a teenager--until I decided I would make every effort to maintain eye-contact, but I have to think about doing it in order to do it, and it is uncomfortable), and I have the worst time trying to understand other non-verbal communication.

One day after making my "discovery" I decided I'd quit imitating--and it really released a lot of stress that I've been under for years. Everyone freaked out because I was so different, and my sister said "ever since you found out about this your behavior has become more exaggerated" so I explained to her (I'm paraphrasing myself), "No, this is me. What you're used to is me when I'm spending my energy trying to be "normal." Do you have any idea how stressful it is to concentrate on making eye-contact while trying to talk to someone, wondering if it's too much or not enough? Do you have any idea how stressful it is wondering every second if you're standing the right way or not, or if you think you are sending the wrong non-verbal cues?" She admitted that she didn't know that, and has been somewhat helpful to me. I called that day a "day off," but I'm not going to continue doing things like that. I do want to interact with NTs better than I do now, and being totally normal for me, while fun, relaxing, and much needed, is not really going to help that much because

At first I was a little depressed about AS despite the answers I found, because I learned more about the fact that I will always have some limitations in interacting with NTs. I still have very few real friends, but I'm very close with the ones I do have, so I'm here to make friends and hear other people's experiences.

I'm making an appointment Monday to go to a psychiatric/psychological practice in my area sometime in the next couple of weeks so I can get formally diagnosed, and see if any sort of organized counseling/treatment will be of benefit, or if I should just have a formal diagnosis and continue doing what I've been doing.

I'm satisfied with the answers AS has given me, and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who has felt, acted, and thought the way I do. It's been fun and a little scary reading what other people with AS have written about things that I've thought and written about (it's scary because sometimes things are almost verbatim to what I've thought and to my own experiences!)

Bore dda! Welcome! WOOO!

hello *waves*