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Billi
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 26 Oct 2010
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 62

28 Oct 2010, 1:11 am

This is scary for me. I have come to a slow realization that maybe I have Asperger's. I don't feel the need to elaborate right now, but I've been dealing with this my whole life. I've done OK, but sometimes I get overwhelmed in a situation and I have a meltdown or whatever. I grew up a ministers kid, so I was always aware of "acting right", so I can often put on a good show for people. It didn't always work.
I say this is scary, because I've never told anyone I think I may have Asperger's. I've never even written it down. I'm scared because it's easy for me to deny something that hasn't been made real, once I say something (or write it) it has it's own life., it becomes real to me. I'm scared of what my family and partner will say if I bring this up. I mean I may not have AS, but if not, then what. The "then what" scares me even more. I have a close cousin who's son is autistic, I'm afraid of what she will feel about this.
I am pretty social, but I don't have friends outside my interests. I'm really good at the technical aspects of my job, but the office politics cause me problems. Some people think I'm mean, aloof, tactless. I have made people cry accidentally. I don't "get" people sometimes. I have been in a relationship for 12 years and my partner still calls me a spazz when there are times I can't handle being in a noisy restaurant, and also doesn't understand that I need time alone or quiet, that a touch can feel painful.
I don't think getting a diagnosis will change my life significantly, (I'm 42), but it may bring up some stuff with my parents. They really tried to act like everything was OK when I was growing up, and I learned to act like that too. But things really weren't OK, they were loving parents, but they knew I was really having problems, and mostly just minimized it. We have talked about my childhood once, and they say they wish they had been more proactive, instead of just trying to make me be normal. They did what they thought best (with a strange kid). It took me a long time to stop being what other people thought I was.
This is really long, I'm sorry. I took me an hour to write it.
Billi

Gruntre
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 8 Oct 2010
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 64
Location: Melbourne, Australia.

28 Oct 2010, 3:09 am

Billi,

Heya thought I'd say hello. Don't be scared, you're part of the Borg now ;-)
I have a very similar experience to you, but my family are very musical & creative and a bit 'out there' as it were, so it came as no surprise when I outed to them. My Dad who was a church elder handles it the least, but his approach to anything out of the ordinary is let God fix it (neurotransmitters, sure I can see god intervening and changing the operating system but hardware? Doubt it). The motor development issues they just sort of dealt with it, but my bookishness I think they wore almost with a badge of pride. My sisters have started having Aspergers children- one in particular is off-the-chart precocious- and It's interesting how people accept difference. Guess I got lucky.
I have a very similar subtle style of Aspergers to you, I'm spatial so I'm a design & CAD obsessive. I have a partner with OCD and psych training so she's v hip to the now as far as HFA goes. She's learnt not to take me to restaurants with mirrors. Friends, I'm told I should have more but they really are exhausting after a while.
Once you come out you'll find some of your friends will go a bit quiet on you- likewise some will warm up and open out. There'll be a few who want to cure you, but mostly people maintain a polite distance regarding the Asperger's thing. But it's not social death- it's a bit like being gay, the people who matter either already knew or don't care :-)
Good luck & enjoy your uniqueness

Gruntre