I'm Kevin, and I've joined this site after some trouble because of my autism. I feel like everyone around me is manipulating me, and the few people who seemed nice don't want me near them because they think I'll be hurt.
Autism has been a fact of my life since I was a little kid, and it has never been easy for me. I was sent to some classes for it, kept in special ed, and had the support of my mother, but these things seem to pale against what was before me. My father mocked me for having it, and regularly tried to subvert my interests with his own, forcing me to play sports when I'd much rather be enjoying a book or a video-game. My mother encouraged the latter part of this, thinking it was only healthy. All the kids at school saw me as a plaything, the butt of jokes, and I only fit in with a few other rejects, and though I became casual friends with a few of them, it was just as an extension of my own interests, we only ever played video-games together, or tried to reenact them.
My memories were fuzzy of that time, but my memory starts solidifying around Junior High. I finally started realizing that everyone around me was mocking me, my father was mocking me, and the only people who didn't do this certainly didn't help, and usually only encouraged it. Because of this, I've developed somewhat of an obsession with trying to gain social competence. At first, my attempts were futile. I was so far behind everyone else I just stood out. I hated people the most then, and misanthropy seemed to be my lot in life.
This only changed recently, in the last 2 years of High School. While I had a variety of acquaintances, I finally started to feel like I was making true friends. The social skills I at first had to imitate, began becoming instinct, and I finally started to have some confidence in myself. This feeling has continued until now, with me having gained some close friends.
As part of my goal to become more socially competent, I started to think of romance as the pinnacle of this. I wanted to be able to trust in people, and I had gotten a little taste of trust with the friends I made. I had a few crushes, but I never did anything about them except with the last two girls.
The first of these was in the last part of High School, and I met her in a Chinese class. We seemed to get along wonderfully, she was very curious, bright and bubbly. My friends saw the patterns and encouraged me to ask her out. I did. She evaded the question, and I dropped it. Later, my friends overheard her talking about how creepy I was. That's when I was reminded of all the times before, where my attempts to express myself had earned mockery. It was only the beginning of the feeling though.
The next girl was the best friend of my best friends girlfriend. We only briefly saw each other for awhile, but every time, we seemed to be a little bit closer. Eventually, after a long time of us both being shy, we were invited to be part of a double-date, and then a couple more. The first one was wonderful, we all laughed and joked, and everything seemed to be fine. I intended to have a date with just her, but each opportunity we got into another double-date, and each of our friends' relationship was breaking apart. I consoled my friend, and she consoled her friend, and I started to see what a caring person she was.
Over Facebook, we talked for hours, as well as in my car when I took her home. These have been some of the most honest talks I have ever had. She had had a lot of emotional trauma in her life, and she had never told anyone but me. This profound trust convinced me I had finally found what I was looking for. We went on a few dates after that, and I got closer and closer. We never kissed or cuddled or anything, but I was getting closer to it, though I was afraid that I'd end up doing something wrong or awkward the entire time.
I got into an accident three days ago. She had been talking to me less and less as she had gotten a job that required a lot of her time. The accident, combined with mood-swings from acne medication I was taking to finally fix my appearance led me to a freakout, and then I saw something she had posted on Facebook. I realized that the instincts I had about her were right, and way too early, I confessed that I loved her. The only message I got back was that she didn't feel she deserved to be loved, and that she couldn't deal with it then. I promised I'd be there when she needed to talk about it. Yesterday, she unfriended me, with no response to the message I had sent. It was obvious what that meant.
So, here's the story I've been wanting to tell. It might not be much, but it's caused a lot of hurt to me. I'm wondering if I'm just being stupid here, reaching out for something I can never have, due to a condition, if that condition means anything, if the uniqueness of all of us means there can be no trust. I'm doubting everything, and I guess I needed to let it all out. I'm always afraid of expressing my real emotions, because I was mocked, but the happiness I'm looking for can only be found by showing my emotions. And well, there's my pathetic story.
09 Nov 2010, 5:12 pm
