Hello! I am a stepmom and stepson possibly Aspie

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Hello everyone

I am not sure where to start, there is so much to say and to explain. As the title says I am a stepmom and I suspect my adult stepson (21 yr old) has mild to light, highly functioning, Asperger syndrome. I have been his stepmom for almost 12 years. For many years he was living with his mother and came to live with us after his 18th birthday, therefore has been living with my husband and I for almost 4 years now.

Before I go any further I would like to make sure I am in the right forum to explain how I came to this conclusion (which I have kept to myself for the time being).

Note that I would prefer not to post only in the parents forums, I would love to get feedback/replies from people who have been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.

I am very glad I found this website, I think I may have landed on the Right Planet ...

I am very impatient to explain more about my stepson and give more details.

Shadi

Hello. Well tell us about your stepson what traits of Asperger's do you see in him. There are tons of traits and every Aspie is different. I'm not sure how he'd react to you menitoning AS to him perhaps point him to some sites and maybe he'll have a Eureka moment or not. For my diagnosis I just explained to my psychiatrist I think I have it. He said ok perhaps so. and then I was diagnosed. When I went back to get a referral to return to College he said so you have a mood disorder and Asperger's I said yes. I'm kind of happy WOW! He was listening YA! Sure he didn't do any specific tests but oh well. IMO I think you know yourself better than any doctor or professional anyway. Have fun on WP

Hello, Shadi - and welcome to the Wrong Planet community.

Hello Shadi2,

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

First, I would like to thank you for not posting "OMG he's got the aspies... it's the end of the world!" Obviously, I'm paraphrasing.

Tell us a bit about him. We'll respond with "I'm not a doctor, and not even a doctor can diagnose over the internet..." Then 1/2 of us will add our 2c anyways.

A very special Welkome to WrongPlanet, with a K.

The WP Kink

Hi zeldapsychology,cockneyrebel, jetlag, and j0sh!

Thank you much for your reply and the welcome

I just hope people will have the patience to read through this message, I realise it is very long, and it is not really in order, I would have so much to say I still don't know where to start. I am also worried about hurting people's feelings by saying the wrong thing (I do that sometimes, never intentionally), so if/when I do, please feel free to let me know.

About telling my stepson; I am not sure either how he would react if I told him I think he may have AS, which is why I haven't said a word to anyone yet, including my husband. If/when I tell them tho I will definitely mention what is good about AS, and the great people who are thought to have had AS. For example, the guy who created and designed Pokemon has AS, and luckily my stepson was very much into Pokemon when he was younger.

As I mentioned I have been his stepmom for about 12 years, and he has been living with us for almost 4 years. During this time he has been in college and at home a lot (even during college season he always took the minimum amount of classes, just to get enough credits to stay a full time student), and since I am at home myself most the time, I got to know him a lot more then I had before, eventho he spent a few summers with us when he was living with his mother, and I had noticed some things then, but didn't know about AS.

You ask me about the AS traits I see in him ... the answer is almost simple: almost all of them (in one way or another) except the routine, he may or may not have a routine for some things that I don't know about tho, he is a very secret/introverted person, or he may prefer a routine for meals for example but we don't really have a specific time here for meals so it is hard for me to tell, he could be upset about the lack of routine and I may not even know. But it is also possible that he doesn't have that trait.

What I think of as my "eureka" moment came after reading a message in a forum from a person who has a child who has been diagnosed with AS, first she tells us about the many years before the diagnosis, when she had no idea about AS, and then in a 2nd message explains how they finally found out their child had AS, and then she elaborates on the symptoms of AS ... and I realised she was describing my stepson. I am almost crying as I am writing this, it explained so much, so many things I had noticed in him that were "different".

After that of course I started reading more about it, and about all the different characteristics or symptoms, which I know can differ and even be opposite from one person to another, just like any NT person finally, everyone is unique.

I will try to elaborate about the traits I noticed in him, please don't be offended and keep in mind that I love him dearly, I will simply tell it as it is, or at least my perception of it. Again it is not in order. First let me say that he is intelligent, and has a memory higher then average, and does very well in school. There is also certain traits that I didn't thought of as "different" or "strange", but that I now know are traits often found in people with AS. Note that I realise that none of these traits taken separately, or even a few of them, would mean a person necessarily has AS.

- Unusual/goofy facial expression sometimes when he is focusing on something on his computer for example, or simply thinking 'hard', without realising we are looking at him, it is difficult to describe a facial expression but his eyes are closed 'tight' and his mouth wide opened. Otherwise it is quite the opposite, not many facial expressions generally.

- Memory higher then the average, he can study a book within a few hours and pass a test with high result (90+) the next day.

- Tends to give speeches about subjects he likes, often using words that are not frequently used, which makes him sound a little bit like Frasier (the tv show), a bit snob, or pedantic, showing off his knowledge.

- Suddenly wants to talk about something and doesn't realise the person he is talking to was busy, for example I am typing something on my computer and he gets in front of me and start giving me a speech about something and goes on for a while without ever realising that I was busy (it is ok tho, I am not criticizing him, I appreciate the times he talks to me because they are too often far apart).

- As a child he was perceived as a "little adult", had a higher memory then usual then as well, which lead his parents to think he was a genius.

- Also as a child tended to act like an adult with other kids, to be the "uncool" kid who was trying to tell others not to do something because it was wrong. (I must admit I liked this trait tho because he seemed more mature then the others, and we were a little less worried about him doing something dangerous). This however made him pretty uncool in the eyes of other kids, and he never had many friends.

- He is (or seems) very self-centered (again I don't mean to offend anyone here, I love him, it is simply something I have noticed is more obvious in him then most other kids I have known)

- A lack (or apparent lack) of empathy and/or sympathy for others, and animals as well. He has difficulty putting himself in the "shoes" of others to understand their feelings, eventho he can understand things form a theoretical point of view. For example you can be very distressed over something you did or said, or over something he does or say, and tell him so, and he seems totally unaffected, as if he didn't care at all about your feelings, eventho he may say something to 'reassure' you about it he will often continue doing the same thing afterward. This can be true for things that are not very important but also for things that are more important on an emotional, or practical, level.

- In the same order of idea, difficulty understanding and/or ignores the feelings of others towards him, but I think this can be a plus in some situations. On the bright side he enjoys giving speeches (I mean in front of a public as well) and is pretty good at it, it seems easy for him (I am the opposite, very shy, and giving a speech in front of people has always been a very difficult task for me).

- Lack of coordination, for example he told me it is very difficult for him to dance. Maybe it is something he could learn tho if he wanted, I just don't know yet. This includes also other movements, like walking, especially if he doesn't realise someone is looking at him (his hands seem to be annoying appendices that he doesn't know what to do with), and it is especially obvious when he runs, people sometimes mention he runs like a woman because of this (I personally wouldn't describe it as running like a woman tho), he has also been bullied because of the strange, clumpsy, way he sometimes walks or runs.

- His emotional age seems younger then his actual and intellectual age. He seems interested in things that would be normal for a person of around 15 year old instead of 21. I have noticed that trait about him a long time ago (that he seems younger emotionally then his biological age).

- Difficulty with some types of analysis, not so much for mechanical things (like how a car works for example, he can understand that), but more in a subtile sense, or situations that needs to be analyzed to be understood, where you have to understand the underlying and/or hidden facts. To understand what is happening in a movie for instance, or in social situations, the reasons that may be behind a person's comments, etc. Here are a few examples about movies; the movie Sums of all fears, it took him a long time before he made the connection between the fact that the assassin asked the guards to take their shoes off and the fact that it was cold and snowy outside, or the movie James Bond, Casino royale, when he is naked sitting on a chair and the bad guy is hitting him on the testicles, he realised what he was doing only after watching the movie a few times.

- Difficulty in understanding humor, teasing especially (which is why I don't ever try to tease him anymore, I am too worried about hurting his feelings). Everyone may dislike teasing sometimes, especially if it hits a sensitive point, or may not understand a joke once in a while, but with him it is a lot more obvious and frequent then usual. I have understood a long time ago that he often doesn't understand jokes (sometimes he does, but a lot more often he doesn't), and I keep telling my husband to stop with his lame jokes because his son doesn't understand them, he takes them litterally, and we have to explain to him that it was just a joke. Most the time it is not that he gets upset, he simply has no reaction to the joke, or has a reaction that indicates he didn't understand and/or took it litterally, not as a joke. On the other hand he can also be funny, and makes his own jokes, after reading about the kind of jokes some Aspies are fond of, I can tell you that his jokes are very similar, they are usually the kind of jokes that will make you smile. Again I don't mean to offend anyone, his jokes are also good, very intelligent and clever. He is also pretty good at impersonation when he wants to.

- Eventho he is intelligent, he needs specific instructions to do something the right way. Also when he needs to solve a practical problem, not mathematical nor theoritical, but something in the normal day to day life, he often takes the very long way instead of thinking of the obvious solution.

- Has difficulty explaining something clearly and as simply as possible, when he explains something it usually seems more complicated then it actually is. For example my husband will ask him how to do a certain thing on his computer (my stepson is good with computers generally), lets say all he would have to do is open a certain folder, and delete a certain file, when my stepson tries to explain something like that he will take the very long way towards the solution, and at the end my husband sometimes didn't understand what he actually had to do to solve the problem (open a certain folder and delete a certain file for example), I have to tell him he meant "do this and that" and simplify what my stepson just said (I must say this is a little funny sometimes).

- About social conventions. He can have a normal and polite conversation (even if sometimes a little awkward) eventho he has difficulty making new friends, he still does tho but usually it is only 1 actual friend. He sometimes says things that are unusual with friends and family. For example, you would normally say "see you tomorrow" to people you work with, or classmates, in other words not people you live with, but he says this to us, (I haven't found the courage to let him know he could simply say goodnight without saying "see you tomorrow", and it is not that important really). This is just one example, there is many other instances where he says things in the wrong context and/or the wrong people, I just can't think of it right now.

- Has a very good ability to focus, and when there is a subject he likes particularly he will study it as much as possible, I would say more then usual, to learn everything he can about it.

- And there is the difficulty of bonding (from his part) and the coldness. Again it is difficult to explain ... to me bonding would mean to feel more at ease around someone, to show them that I love and care about them, to be more 'myself' then if I am around strangers, to me bonding doesn't mean constant display of affection, constant hugs, or anything like that, but to feel something, to feel there is an attachment there, that there is love. I generally don't see this in him eventho I love him dearly, but I think he does love me in his own way. He is also the same way with his dad eventho I am sure he loves him. He often talks to us as you would to strangers, politely and such (he does rude and/or upsetting things as well tho). At first I thought maybe it was because he hadn't lived with us (except during summers) and was not at ease yet, but as the years passed I realised he was still the same way. He is very often silent, to where it feels awkward, for example we cross each other in the hallway and if I don't say anything he doesn't say a word. Other times he will try to do small talk and asks politely things like 'how is it going', but in a detached, stranger's way (or at least it feels that way to me, I am the opposite, very sensitive and emotive). On the other hand sometimes we can have a nice conversation and I can tell he is happy we talked, but it doesn't happen very often.

I am pretty sure I forgot some things, but I better stop here, and I apologize about the length of my message.

Shadi

Last edited by Shadi2 on 11 Nov 2010, 10:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

lol I must say you made me smile

No I don't think it is the end of the world, it is quite the opposite

Reading through other people's messages reminded me of a few things I forgot to mention in my previous post,

he also dislikes sports (especially team sports, but took a few classes of karate),

strongly dislikes confrontation (and said so a few times) but he is pretty good at 'official' debates at school, he was even member of a debate team,

and will take things apart to see how they work (a toaster for example, etc), his bedroom is always full of things that he accumulates and tries to repair and/or take apart at least to see the mechanism.

Hello and welcome to WP!

Thank you billybud21

Hello Shadi2,

I'm not a doctor, and not even a doctor can diagnose over the internet, but your stepson sounds like he could be an Aspie to me (see what I did there? ). I’d almost put $ on it after reading all the stuff in your post. A lot of it’s rooted in not being able to connect with others. I must say that you seem pretty understanding of your stepson's differences.

Just so you know... I don't think too many members frequent this section of the forum. General Discussion seems to to be the section with the most traffic. This post would probably have a few pages of responses, if it was posted there. I don;t know how active the parent's section is, but I think it's pretty active too.

Josh

Hello again J0sh

Thank you for the information, I will try posting on the general discussion forum and see what happens.

I realise that you can't diagnose AS over the internet, but I really do need your opinion, like you I am convinced that he has AS, but I haven't found the courage to let my husband know about it yet, feedback from others may help me find the courage to do so.

Another thing I forgot to mention in my previous messages, is my stepson's very low tolerance to frustration.

Thank you again and I will go post in the general discussion forum and maybe parent's section as well (now I am a little worried about spamming lol)

Shadi

Hi Shadi, and welcome!

I saw your new thread on General and tootled over here to satisfy my curiosity.

*all the usual not a doctor, this is the internet, blah blah*

Yeah, from what you've written here, I reckon there is a very high possibility that your stepson is on the Spectrum, probably Asperger's.

Next thing to consider is ... what do you do next if you get similar responses from others?

Edited to add: You sound like a great stepmother and you obviously know this young man very well.

Thanks for the vist to my post yesterday and welcome back to you Shadi and I have to say that I LOL'd at your multiple apologizing statements prefacing your observations. To us Aspies, "saying it like it is" is the first and sometimes only way. I (for one) would NEVER preface my statements with such apolgizing. You must be NT.

Hope you find what you are looking for on these forums along with me!

I am curious as to why it matters to you? I didn't know I had AS until about a year ago. Also, bonding has nothing to do with AS. That is a different issue according to my therapist. I am still trying to figure out wtf is going on with everyone else. Sorry for the strong lingo, but I have recently had a very rude awakening to the fact that people act friendly to you even though they don't really like you.

I have a few questions for you, since I really am no good at this NT thought thing. I am not trying to be mean. I just am really curious to hear from you. Why is it necessary to speak every time you see someone? Why do people assume you are arrogantly flaunting your knowledge when you use the vocabulary at your disposal? How is one to really understand the level of comprehesion the person one is conversing with has without reading the other's mind?

Also remember that compassion is something different than AS.

Hello Marcia

Thank you for your kind words about me, I love him very much and I do my best as a mom #2, I consider and treat him as if he was my son.

And to answer your question about what to do next, this is the very difficult part. I am very nervous about telling my husband about this, I will have to find the courage and to find a way to introduce him to the idea 'smoothly'. I will most probably mention the positive things about it. I was thinking to start with a question like "what do you think Satoshi Tajiri (creator of Pokemon), Robin Williams (will try to think of actors he likes), Bill Gates, etc ... have in common? they all have or are thought to have AS."

Maybe that would be a good start ... let me know what you think, as I said I really need feedback to help me with this.

Personally I must admit that I don't see AS as a bad thing tho, as some say we are simply wired differently, and we are all unique and all have our strengths and weaknesses whether we are AS or NT etc. In fact I see some of the AS traits in myself, and many people have at least some of the AS and/or autism characteristics, and vice versa, some people with AS have some NT characteristics.

Shadi