Where I stand with other Aspies

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I was assessed and diagnosed with Aspergers about a year ago, after a very difficult 40 years of not being able to develop close friendships, leading to years of lonliness and isolation.

As is probably the case with many of you, I was quite relieved to learn that my social difficulties were due to Aspergers. Since my diagnosis, I've read books about different Aspies, and what I learned most is that Aspies share some common traits, and differ in traits as well.

As for the differences, I'm amazed to learn how many Aspies are able to get married, raise families, and seem to have social lives, even if they're not "social butterflies." With myself, I have had much trouble with all these things, which explains the lonliness and isolation. Some of it may be that my parents (especially my Dad) are most likely Aspies as well, and my entire upbringing was like the "blind leading the blind." I really love my parents very much, but I must be realistic in expressing the reality of my upbringing.

How many of you out there have a similar point of view, where you have been hit especially hard with lonliness and isolation, even compared to certain other Aspies?

Autism is a huge spectrum of people that can't verbally communicate at all to people who only have trouble with social nuisances.

I admit I was very much surprised on learning about the functioning level of some people with autism, and am a bit jealous of some people.

You'll also find that AS has its own spectrum, as well.

I am profoundly lonely and I don't know how to overcome this. I feel like I lack the connectedness with others that comes so naturally to people around me. There is just something I know is different and I have been recently dx so I don't have any answers.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

My circumstances are similar. (Not officially dx'ed, so take all this as you please.) It's hard for me to fathom how people sometimes manage to "pull that off" (relationships, etc.), but it does apparently happen.

I did see one ASC person go from basically friendless at 30 to married and with a raft of friends. It seemed a matter of finding the right niche, though it was a rare one. Maybe there's just a lot of luck involved, sometimes.

My parents are socially clueless themselves, so I can relate to the blind-leading-the-blind thing. I've felt throughout my life I've been my father's 'baby sitter,' due to his lack of friends. I'll never tell him, but it gets oppressive at times.

As my parents have gotten older and the inevitable end gets nearer (I live with and look after them, these days (I am disabled/SSDI)), thinking about inheritance and such, and living to be 60 or more -- I dunno if I really care to do that. Especially since there'll be no one to look after me. Isolation sucks big-time, of course; if I knew for sure the next 20 year would be the same, I'd defintely check out early.

Well, that was kind of morbid. Some people seem to do ok, though, even if late. I don't know what the magic difference is.

BTW, welcome to WrongPlanet.

I know what you mean. I've never really shared much about this, but I just found out I was diagnosed with Asperger's, and now I feel less ashamed of this secret fact--

I've never had a close, in person friend except my brother when we were younger.

Welcome aboard the Wrong Planet, GreatRelief.

I've been very lonely with no friends most of my life. My anti-anxiety meds help with this tremendously. They keep me happy and optimistic and able to enjoy what social interaction I do have with people from work and church. This coupled with support from my family keeps me from feeling lonely, even though I still don't have what I think most people would consider close friends.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to WP GreatRelief

I've been alone pretty much all my life except for my family but I can't say I've ever been lonely. Looking back, I've always found that having people around just interferes with what I want to do because they're never on my wavelength.

"No one I think is in my tree" as John Lennon sang in "Strawberry Fields".

People say that the internet isolates people but I've never been more connected than since I've been online. I think it's because a) I can find groups that share at least one of my interests and 2) I can turn them off when I get sick of them.

And, yes, I do realise that could be offensive but I figure that something that's that will be understood here.

I, myself, have trouble distinguishing whether I'm choosing and preferring to be alone, as opposed to being "forced" into lonliness due to limited social abilities. I have had two well-meaning therapists tell me I don't socialize enough, and if I don't feel I need to socialize, I probably actually do need to and simply don't realize it. I found this all very confusing because I swore I didn't feel like I was needing to socialize much.

On a brighter note, I wish to thank all of you for your replies to my very first WrongPlanet post, and for your welcome wishes. It's nice to be chatting with others in the same or similar positions.

Hello and welcome to WrongPlanet GreatRelief

Yes I feel lonely but not always, I enjoy being by myself, and definitely wouldn't like being around a lot of people constantly, its paradoxal. Always felt like an outsider, even with family. Married, divorced, and married a 2nd time ... I don't think I'm very good at it.

I asked myself that question, and for me the answer is sometimes yes and sometimes no. I remember as a kid sometimes when friends/neighbor would come get me to do some activities they were bothering me, I wanted to continue whatever I was doing, reading a book for example ... on the other hand I also enjoyed spending time with my best friends, with the ones who actually understood me, but definitely didn't need them to be there all the time nor every day. This feeling of being an outsider even when I don't want to be is annoying tho, but when I think about it I realise it would be difficult to feel otherwise because I don't need to be around people as much as they usually need to be around each other. I definitely do have a lack of social skills tho and too often say the wrong thing (very unintentionally) and/or simply don't know what to say, which also makes it hard to be around people even when I would like to.

With my best friends, sometimes we would do more social activities (that like I said, they usually had to drag me to lol but I am glad they did so at least I got to be "social" a little and actually enjoyed some activities), but sometimes we could both be reading books (for example) or something else you can do by yourself, and simply be together/in the same room and understanding the other wanted to do this "loner activity" and not go play outside nor with a group. I must say I was lucky to have friends like them, even with my lack of social skills, they were like a "bridge" between me and the NTs/other people in the groups.


Shadi

To WrongPlanet!! !

That is a good point but, in my case, after all this time I doubt that it really makes a difference.

I haven't had therapy but I've had other experience with wrong diagnoses of physical ailments I didn't have. The doctors always think they're right. They might know medicine in general but sometimes they don't allow for the individual.