Hi Sophie! (This is long so skim it if you want of course!)
It's a misconception that all kids with Asperger's sound like little professors. I think some might tend to because they are not comfortable or adept at using colloquial language with all its nonverbal context-specificity and may end up appropriating the most formal vocabulary and syntax from all that they've heard or read, maybe because it is explicitly encouraged in school and other formal settings (just a guess). They might be aiming to describe things as precisely as possible to avoid the ambiguity that they perceive in more context-based language.
BUT obviously everyone's language usage develops differently, even among kids with Asperger's, and it's not by any means an indication of how smart a person is what words they use to communicate with other people. Maybe your daughter just happened upon her own well-functioning mechanisms for communicating with people that don't require hyperreliance on formal language.
And as to your daughter not doing so well in school - that doesn't mean she's not smart either. School has a highly specific structure that doesn't allow a lot of students who happen to not fit neatly into that structure to develop and/or showcase their unique talents. Maybe your daughter doesn't have a high level of executive functioning, for example, and can't regiment her time and attention to do what she needs to do and when to get good grades. That doesn't mean she's not highly functioning in other ways, ways that other "good" students who get good grades may not be. Or maybe she's overwhelmed by being in a classroom with so many other people and noises and things going on. Or any number of other things.
Anyway, my point is: I'm sure you mean well, but for her sake, don't write your daughter off as dumb! Everyone who is alive or has ever been alive has their weaknesses that when looked at in relief are actually also unique strengths. This will sound weird but: maybe you look at your daughter and see her in possession of an empty (or worringly not-full-enough-for-her-own-good, I mean I know you love and value your daughter) toolbox. But a toolbox is four walls and a bottom and sometimes a top that people then CAN put specific commonly useful tools in; humans define this object by how it is standardly useful to them. A box is technically also, no matter if it has enough tools in it or not, something that you can put other unexpected things in, or a makeshift stepladder or podium, or to take a more universal perspective, something that contains on its outside (rather than on its comparatively tiny inside) the whole world.
To give a practical example: Lack of executive functioning also means the ability to hyperfocus on special interests and become better versed in them than 99.9% of the population. You said she doesn't seem to care about learning - maybe it's just notetaking and worksheets and homework assignments and multiple choice tests she doesn't care about/isn't suited to doing, and there are some topics that really interest her. You might not know that though because she might not feel the need to talk about what she likes. Just because she doesn't say she liked a movie or liked whatever she ate for dinner, or smile and get excited in exactly the way you and others might, doesn't mean she's not happy and interested in these things. I mean, obviously you know that because you call her determined and passionate.
As to her not seeming to help or support anyone: maybe she is, or would like to, but her ways of supporting are not recognized as support. For instance: in person (not so much in writing), I am just not capable of giving a genuine-seeming "sympathetic" smile on cue when another person lets on that they feel bad, even though I probably do feel sympathy for them. I also don't feel comfortable patting them on the shoulder or hugging them because I'm afraid they might interpret it as intrusive. I also feel like any of the common things that people say to express sympathy come off as cold from me because I don't intuitively use that kind of language, so I might end up, when I'm put on the spot, saying something that comes off as cold and logical even though I do often believe I understand the person's pain and want to make the person feel better. Alternately: maybe the things that highly socially fluent people see as things people should help other people with, are in fact just social conventions that actually, practically, people do not need help with and that your daughter sees as strange and even insulting things to offer help to another person with. Holding a door open, for example, is something most people are capable of doing, so from a logical standpoint it's pretty contrived that it's expected by and for many physically able people. That even goes for things like painting a room; she might just be treating you and others the way she'd like to be treated, and not offering help with something she'd feel she was being treated as an incompetent weakling if the same help were offered to her for.
Your daughter sounds like she's good at visually mimicking other girls her age (at least for things that don't change by the millisecond, i.e. fashion choices rather than facial expressions/body language). And online in writing she probably has more time and definitely less overstimulating eye contact, noise, etc. to think through the best way of communicating things she wants to say to her friends. And it's possible she is unhappy that she struggles socially in person too, but at least for now she's successful in an online format.
Hopefully this didn't offend you. I know you don't think poorly of your daughter at all and that you're worried for her and I just thought the point that she is definitely smart in her own way is important to make because she might actually really appreciate it if you let her know you can see her talents (which of course you did recognize her in your post as having when you talked about her personality).
09 Jan 2011, 4:06 pm
