it's been a long journey getting here, and theres so much to explain just so people can understand my situation. Because I need any help I can get.
To start I am 18 years old. I've been Diagnosed with an EXTREME case of ADHD since I was young, although with medication (currently Vyvanse) and my own self training, I've learned to control the hyperness for the most part, and some of the impulse control. It's pretty obvious to those close to me I'm bipolar, or similar (I often have mild to moderate manic states and mild to moderate depression). I also greatly suspect I've Aspergers.
I'm Male to Female Transgender Bigender. Though I am for the most part comfortable with my Male body, and even enjoy it at times, I would've greatly preferred to have been born female. As I understand (of course I could be completely wrong) it's not entirely uncommon for Aspies to have transgender-related issues. This realisation of Transgender has been in the past 2 years, the possible aspergers in the past one.
I'm Bisexual. I'm a Geek. I'm a Unitarian Universalist.
My parents had me at 19 and 20. My mother was suffering from a condition where she was born with a much smaller amount of eggs than the average female, and had learned she would soon not be able to give birth. My parents were also what could be said as Alternative. my Dad was raised on a farm but then worked at Comic Book stores and Renaissance Festivals, wore Punk Rock Fashion, and hung out with Native Americans, performing at Pow Wows and offering flesh for my safe birth. My mother was more a clubber. She was interested in the goth scene, Tattoo Shops, anything weird and freaky. They divorced when I was 3. My dad moved away when I was 7 I believe, living on the road traveling. He visited me every christmas, except one. He always paid his child care. My mum raised me, Occasionally having boyfriends. I grew up to be a very geeky kid, despite my mother not being one, and my dad supporting it but I don't remember him being very actively engaged in it.
In school I was one of the most picked on and troublesome kids. My teachers all knew I was a gifted kid, I was in all the advanced classes (except math) and though I usually had terrible grades in homework, my tests were often in 80s-90s. Kids seemed to hate me. Through most of my life I only ever had one person I could call my friend. and they usually didn't last very long. I was obnoxious, I was aggresive, I was in the principals office at least once a month, most of the time more. But I survived. better I grew strong. I didn't feel outwardly lonely and depressed, I felt self-confident and driven to my own goals, whatever they were. I most likely suffered socially in this part of my life. my social behaviours would not be as negative today if I had interacted better with kids and gotten the help I needed.
I was kicked out of my last month of 8th grade for threatening a kids life. though it was more a heat of the moment thing and not even a real threat. more like I was playing around and totally did not realise it was a bad thing untill afterwards. this is an early example I think of behaviours that I practiced that I don't understand are socially unacceptable. an early sign of Aspergers (maybe). I went to live with my dad and step mum and half sister then. and was homeschooled throughout highschool.
Both my dad and my step dad have Anger issues. they have extremely hard time controlling them and I've got extreme obstinance issues. I try to be good and somehow it seems like even when I try to do what is right I'm doing what I shouldn't. My mother and step mother both also have anxiety issues and issues dealing with stress. all this results in what one could potentially call accidental abuse. now when I say this they never caused me to bleed, they never broke bones or teeth, they just both back hand and grab and throw and etc. alot. and they both use harsh words and phrases. but again, the biggest reason it could be considered abuse is merely because I am a bit overly sensitive. I never have truly commited suicide however, and I've only prepared to run away once. I know they love me and care for me, they just are not the best at actualising it with my special conditions.
I've never had steady Therapy. I've had a few sessions in my life, but never discussing aspergers, or transgender. I now live in a remote area of western maryland, going to a local college here. I am very active in my Church, Unitarian Universalism. which is sort of an Atheist Church or at least a church where you believe what you want alongside Humanist and Earthcentered ideas. This and the community around it has greatly helped me. the youth gatherings I attended were amazing. I finally can say I have a great number of friends. and I've begun dating for the past year or so. all of my relationships have been long distance however, I've only actually "gone on dates" with my last/current, and all of my relationships ended quickly except for my sort of current. me and Carson (her "code name" until I may use her real one) have been dating 11 months. however the relationship though very mature and logical, has hit very rocky times several times recently. Technically we are broken up currently, and as she was debating with herself if she wanted to get back together she made a list of pros and cons about me. She apparently misses me greatly, and sees much potential in us, except for the con's, which really get to her. from what I can tell, they all relate to Aspergers and ADHD I think.
What I need is a means to prevail beyond these. to control my behaviour or learn to live around it. and resources for her to learn to accept it. I need a community to help me better myself, not for her sake but for mine. It's just that keeping her a very big incentive.
P.S. I feel like theres more I should say that relates to all this, but I don't know, and it's late.
24 Jan 2011, 11:20 pm
