Searching All My Life! May Be Getting Close

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Hi, Definitely new--never been on a forum such as this. Have even stayed away from blogs and all that on the computer, so REALLY new. All you folks out there, I really need all the help I can get--my life has always been messed up, time's getting a little short(!), out of control, and TooMuch.

Being the odds-one-out since childhood and since sibs needed the attention more than me per Mom, pretty much without support--physical/emotional--too. Been searching for the reasons for all my "inabilities" for DECADES! Degrees in psych with health education, then way later in basic programming (languages extinct now I'm sure!) But no successful jobs...no friends...diagnoses from depression to BPD to BiPolar II; more recently found about Sensory Defensiveness Disorder (that explained a lot of problems) and ADD/ADHD (struggling with motivation and focus and all that...), now Really Wondering if Asperger's part of it all!?

On disability. Caretaking 90-year old Mom who when she can't understand my tension from too much, and my reactions, then always asks me "why do you hate me so!" NEVER really an accepted part of the family--but always enmeshed in parents' problems, frustrated always, having to take on more and more, but not hate... Always have been looking for a place, with people where I feel good with myself, and can be myself--and who that is...

Enough for now. Not much humor in me right now, so go softly? All replies appreciated!
P.S. Survival all this time with the help of my dogs--now two rough-coated collies! and nature, and learning...

Hello and welcome.

Aspergers would explain a lot of your problems.

Welcome and good luck one your search for understanding yourself.

Hello, TooMuch - and welcome greetings to the Wrong Planet neighborhood.

Thanks for the replies!! was wondering if I'd be the wrong person in the wrong place again!
Now maybe I can release some of the anticipated crying in my chest and go on to more learning...

Welcome to WP!

Try this 'test' - http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php , you may find it beneficial or completely disastrous, depending on what you are anticipating.

Thank you, Helixstein! Just took the aspie-quiz (instead of finding place to get mother's hearing aids checked!), and interesting results--although no time right now to go through it page by page. Comment though, that I had a lot of "yes, but" and "no but" feelings as I answered the questions!

aspie score 122 of 200; NT 88 of 200; said I seem to have traits of both. Took another on-line test a little while ago called the autistic spectrum quotient, and scored a 32 of 50--very high; said most people with AS score about 35. So, I don't know. Perhaps dysfunctional family entrapment a big part--don't know, but suspect not to this degree--most people manage to break away and have their own (however dysfunctional! and I could never understand why I couldn't/didn't...

Trying to find a professional who knows what they're doing to help me figure it out.

Did all you folks have the same difficulties? or different when family is involved? or different if it's dx'd earlier? or others that didn't figure it out until later--a baby boomer like me???

P.S. what does "emu egg" mean?

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hi again. I looked at the "questions about you" topic and thought I'd mention a little bit of it. Being pretty computer stupid (but I did get a degree programming in extinct languages like basic, cobol, how about rpg II?) I wasn't sure how to get a blank form! no matter,

TooMuch usually called Cathy--and a baby boomer. Raised in New England, now in Georgia after a comedy of errors (decisions)...take a long time to try to make good decisions and usually mess it up somehow!

Have been on disability since '96 after lousy jobs doing clerical/admin work when I could. Closest I ever got was being hired to write a users manual for a new system---a few weeks found the place closed..the new owner took the money and ran!

Interests? My puppie dogs, almost 8-years old; rough coated collies; brothers; spoiled and incredibly sensitive if I'm (flat out honest), angry. But, love to be out in the woods or fields enjoying everything...on the computer doing research to find out about everything--psychology and health--and reading fantasy fiction, sci fi, action, and I (unfortunately) enjoy reading disaster/armageddon novels where most/a lot of the typical society gets in deep...

Family? I share a house with my 90-year old mom; my brother lives up in Massachusetts. I've heard one of his grandchildren has just been dx'd with AS. Don't know any more that that.

Clothes/work/plans? Clothes are jeans, tees, hoodies. Good clothes are non-stained jeans, tees, and...
Living here with few acquaintances and no friends have muliple jobs! Caretaking, shopping and all that stuff, and got interested in building stuff and fixing stuff--latest was when I broke an outside water faucet on New Year's Eve...we couldn't afford an emergency plumbing co. visit, so turned off the main water valve, waited for the stores to open on that Sunday, the salespeople down there are pretty friendly, got the parts,they told me what I needed to do, and after a few wrong moves, we had water again. (But if I'm afraid I'll mess up and get criticized, will procrastinate and not touch it with a 10-foot pole!

Plans for the fitire? Figure how I got this way in my lifetime, feel decent with the person inside here (even if no one else around me acknowledges that!), and have a few peaceful, independent years doing things I like.

Lots more to look up in these forums, but other responsibilities I can't totally ignore!