I woke up out of my trance. After 23 years of being raised as a normal child, I realized that I am not normal. Nobody told me that I am autistic and I didn't care either since I spent alot of my childhood in my room playing that damn playstation. Now that I have been sent by my parents to study medicine, during those 4 years of being abroad, I stopped that unproductive hobby (video games) and tried to build a life of myself.
I tried to build a personality but it was impossible to maintain it. I would weird people out if I tried to act normal and those people that bought into it soon realized I am not what I seemed like. So I decided to just relax and be myself and f**k them all. I have since been called a sociopath, a psycho, antisocial, a jerk, an as*hole weird, freak, ret*d, gay and the rest. The girls I hooked up with either run away from me or fell in love with me but I didn't stay around because I felt they didn't understand me. I spent the last year freaking out and trying to discover who I am. I read tons of stuff on psychology. Nothing really clicked. I seemed to have every condition out there. I got paranoid. I found autism but didn't pay much attention to it since the picture of dustin hoffman's character came in mind and said no, i am not that. Little did I know there are weaker forms of autism out there.
So I convinced myself I was a sociopath and made peace with that, and tried to find out what I am going to do as a sociopath. I noticed creativity in me and I was and still am very unhappy with what I am studying. I told my parents I want to quit (i don't do so well in uni) and they started crying saying what will happen to our child?? They made me continue by emotional force. Anyway one night i searched on google "famous sociopaths" to see if I can be somebody and found a list. In that list in one of the names, it mentioned that that particular person had autism. Being curious I started to look into autism in more detail and naturally came across Asperger's syndrome.
I am telling you people, something amazing happened. Suddently, everything made sense. All the puzzle pieces were put together. Yes, I am an aspie. That's whats wrong with me. That's why I am always in my own world. That's why people think I am strange. That's why I sometimes move like a puppet and iam being told I am uncoordinated. That's why my family treats my different. I got the goosebumps when I was viewing a youtube video of an aspie girl talking about her condition. She mentioned two things that I relate to. After viewing that video I was convinced 100%. She said she hates touching fleece and she also said that when she is alone she likes to pace back and forth in her room for miles to think and just be in her own world... i thought i was the only wacko who did that LOL.
Anyway i've had so many epiphanies lately, it's insane. I remembered stuff. Stuff that happened, things people said to me, things people did to me, things I did to people etc. It finally makes sense now.
I am sure my father is an aspie too and one of my two sisters. When I go back home I will try to help them and connect with them because our relationships have not been that good (imagine the relationship of two aspies not knowing about their condition)
I need help with my mind. It feels like.... you know, when you compare it to Microsoft Windows, it feels like while other people's minds have folders with music, documents etc, it feels like all my files are just splattered on the desktop and my windows are unable to create folders. I need to get things organized, badly. To some degree at least. It is insanely difficult, iam sure you all know. I got tired of being an outcast. I also got tired of trying to fit, trying to be normal. I must find my place out there without hiding the condition that I have.
I found this forum on google. Hopefully it will help me and I will help if I can, too. Good to know there are similar people out there. It is nice to find you all!
butch
18 Jan 2011, 9:40 am
