I tested 41 on an online asperger test. I'm female, 40, self-diagnosed.
I think through the years I would have tested higher, the reason being that I have “trained” myself on how to do things- like responding, having a conversation, how to give a hug, who to give hugs to, how far to go on social things, etc...
I'm superb at studying people, which also explains my life obsession with art. I have always been good at copying down what I see, I think because I was obsessed with how others were normal and what that looked like. I would draw people over and over, then things, obsessed with the details. I am now getting a degree in art (as well as two minors in other things- to get a job afterward). I was told all my life art is not the way to go career-wise, and I listened. I knew that, but I can't do anything else, well. I mainly did drawings throughout growing up. When drawing, I didn't know how to stray from doing something exactly how it was, how I saw it. Anyway, when I painted or colored something, it was exactly how I saw it, and later, I wanted to change things, make them more artistic, but didn't know how until I started taking art classes in college. Now I can enhance colors, play with them, how to make them more interesting to look at. I have always loved and still love anything to do with art- painting, drawing, sculpting, art history from every country...
I had many fears growing up
One that stands out was my fear/hatred of certain loud noises/machines; the blender, the garbage disposal and the vacuum, mainly, because those were in the house. When these things were on, I couldn't be in the same room, and definitely not use them. Slowly, over time, I learned to be ok with them. Now I like some loud things- I love screaming angst in songs. I think I relate to it.
More loud things I hated were thunder, and fireworks. I had to stay in the car when my family went to watch fireworks. I one time locked my whole family outside when there was a thunderstorm and they went outside to watch. I locked all the doors (at least most of them) and hid under a bed. I still hate/fear big thunderstorms and windstorms. I live where the weather is very mild, but when I hear thunder, I have to unplug everything and hide in a specific room in my house I have “rationally”(?) figured out is safest.
I had an irrational fear of heights. When I was about four my family went on a hike. I was a mess. I could see myself jumping off of the mountain, and I could see where we were, height wise on the opposite mountain. But when my dad put me on his shoulders- and he is tall- I was ok. Completely irrational.
I was terrified of being called weird. I was called that a lot when I was a child. I hated that word. I chose to live in a city as an adult because not everyone would know me and I could be “weird”.
Generally, I don't think I have set routines, but I might. I have one thing when I was younger that makes me wonder. When I was in the fourth grade we moved. I had to go to a new school. That's hard on any kid. But in particular, I remember having to get on a bus to go to the new school. I did ok at first and went on it for a couple weeks. Then, for some reason, the bus had to do a different route one day. perhaps the bus driver changed routes or something. At any rate it took her a lot longer to take me home, going a completely different way than she normally did. I think I was a crying mess. She tried comforting me, telling me something, I don't remember what, but from that day on, I refused to take a bus to school and back home. Instead I walked the long route or rode my bike (when it worked).
Social skills, suck. When I was a kid and would get frustrated with trying to communicate, I'd freak out. I would bite, pinch, hit and my mom remembers that I would just get angry for no apparent reason.
I have always had friends, I think, but never popular, only very, very close friends.
One man pointed out that I was still different. I was sitting alone at the place I worked at the time, having my lunch, when one of the department managers came up to me and was trying to be nice. He kneeled down beside me and said something like “I know how hard it is to be lonely all the time. When no one sits next to you at the lunch table...” this floored me. I didn't realize other people were sitting together on purpose. I noticed from then on.
I am a deeply loyal person. When I love it is huge. I've only had two “real” boyfriends. One was my ex-husband. I think at times, my love is overwhelming, so my ex-husband would pull away a lot. But now, he wants that love, my honesty etc... for, I guess, that doesn't happen with all women or probably men, for that matter. I have oddities, but I am constant in my love, if I'm not betrayed. I can stop the love, too. I think that's where it's hard for having friends. I don't do it on purpose. It's kind of an all or nothing thing.
I guess for another obsession, to further my trying to diagnose myself, I was terrified of people dying- mainly my mom as a kid. Now it's my children- and any person I truly love. I felt I had to say “Goodnight, love you, see you in the morning.” every night to my mom, to make certain she wasn't going to die. This was regardless if we had a horrible fight or not. This went on for years. I still have some routines I do when I say goodbye to people.
I also had this odd need to suck on rocks until I was perhaps age four or five? I loved the smell of the gravel in our driveway when it had been a hot day and it just started raining. I loved it so much, I had to put them in my mouth and taste that smell.
I cannot be touched generally. I feel someone when they lightly touch me or if their hip brushes me or whatever. For people I love, I am touchy-feely. I touch my kids all of the time; hugs, pats on the back, etc... I used to touch my mom all of the time, but now there is a separateness, just from age and distance, where I have a hard time if she wants to touch me like she used to- play with my hair, rub my arm, etc... I try, but it feels odd. I want her to be able to touch me like I do my kids, like she used to. I can give a hug, I like greeting people with hugs or saying goodbye. I've had to try to figure out where the line is there. I still don't quite know, so I don't hug very often- or too much, perhaps for some folks. There's a big separateness when it comes to touch. Touch is huge for me. I love good feeling touches- the usual, like touching soft clothes, velvet, fur, wood grain, etc... there is a big jump from not touching something to touching it, if you get my drift.
A man touched me recently, who I think was interested in me, and I, after the touch, was interested in him. He warmly gripped my arm and the back of my neck, odd, I know, but I think it was just to break through my “force field”. It was overwhelming. I couldn't think or act normal for quite awhile. Just trying to “come down” from that. I know I acted weird afterwards, cause I had to find some sense of what to do. I liked it, a lot, but had no way to let him know that it was ok. It's really hard to explain. It was like, first I had to find a way to return after the sensation. The sensation was gigantic. I had to somehow figure out how to get back to normal, first, then I might be able to smile or even look at him. I'm pretty sure it was a flirtatious move, that was a big touch. But maybe just for me. It was done in the middle of a class, too, so even harder to deal with. So, don't touch me unless you mean it! Just kidding.
In general with dating, meeting men, I have a hard time. I have been/met with men since being alone, had a boyfriend for a while. Mainly, I've first met the guys online, then dated. In the “real world” I have a hard time getting to the beyond the looking point. I don't know how to flirt. Or I do but I just can't, If a man starts trying to flirt with me, and I realize it, I freak out and have to leave- no matter how hard I want to flirt with him.
On the test online, I felt like earlier in my life I could check a lot of things I checked “sort of” as “definitely” before. Something that clicked for me in the description of aspergers was the mimicking? I have mimicked others all my life. I thought that was how normal people did things, by watching and imitating others? Figuring out how to act, to what degree, honing the way to react to something exciting, or sad, or anger, etc... and eventually it becomes normal. I can't even explain this really, I guess that's one thing, learning how to explain things, finding words. With art I can get the details, the minutia, with talking, communicating, it is much more difficult and frustrating- not to the degree it was as a child, but it's still hard- especially at a job.
I'm needing help there. It seems to be getting worse, and I'm getting older. I went crazy (internally) with one of my last bosses, and I just don't really know what to do with bosses. I think she was a difficult person for women to work for, but I still feel I have a hard time dealing with office politics. I don't get them. I am honest and straightforward, and I don't get the games, I don't think I can even see them. I can see some “mind” games, but not really, not most of them. So that is why I'm seeking help, I think...
I went to a psychologist recently and told him I thought I might have aspergers or HFA. I have a nephew who was diagnosed with it, and I believe my son- who is a TAG kid- has symptoms as well. My son and I have both been diagnosed with ADD. Not ADHD, we're more internal than that. The psychologist poo pooed me and asked if I wanted state benefits or what. Honestly, I don't know what the benefits are, I just know I have a hard time being social. I wish I could go and do job interviews like normal people do and get a good paying job instead of minimum wage ones all the time, or just be confident in general, not so very shy, hang out and meet people somewhere. At any rate, he said I communicate too well, and some other things, but I think he was thinking of autism in general.
Anyway, I scored a 41, when 32 and above was “has aspergers”, and I was being as honest as I could be, so I think that semi-justifies it. I'm a “slight” aspie.
(Looooong story! It was in my journal before I posted it here. I cleaned it up and lessened it quite a bit, if you can believe that!)
30 Jan 2011, 6:48 am
