Hello...Another newb whose husband might have Asperger's

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My husband and I have been together for 10 years. Before we had children (two kids, 3 and 1) I'd thought he was a bit quirky. I believed he had some sort of social anxiety (it took us three and a half years of dating to marry, not because he didn't want to marry but because he was absolutely terrified of the wedding itself, and his family would have been very upset if we had eloped...I might be the only bride in the world who ordered the groomsmen to bring him to the ceremony a little tipsy).

Anyway, we were able to work through things fairly easily before kids. Though there has always been some resentment on my part that he is incapable of spending time with my family. They're generally easy to get along with, they adore him (he's brilliant and witty), but my Dad had social anxiety (though he was treated for it) so they've always given my husband a pass. I do resent the fact that when his family is around I am expected to integrate and spend time with them but when it comes to mine, I'm entirely on my own. Both of our families live far away.

But once the kids came along things became really, really difficult. I remember the night my daughter was born, I was recovering from a c-section, hadn't slept in 48 hours, and she was crying. Her crying made him SO ANGRY. He has always and still hates when the kids cry. It wasn't very long, maybe three or four days after our first was born, that I decided to take over all night wake-ups. The few times he did he would stomp around and throw things (never, ever hurt the baby, but it freaked me out to have that much anger even near them). Anyway, I can count on one hand the number of times he woke up with both kids and that was when I was so exhausted I literally didn't even hear their cries.

I had found an article on Asperger's a few years ago, after explaining to my family, yet again, that my husband would not be attending a wedding with me, and it really struck me. I mentioned it to him, but it never went any further.

We were in marriage counseling last night. Things are dire. I have felt so hurt and alone and at times like I'm walking on eggshells to try to avoid doing things that will trigger his anger. He's never EVER done anything physical, I'm just a fairly passive person in general, so the anger tends to scare me. A half hour into the session, the psychologist mentioned Asperger's. Both my husband and I jumped on that, and the psychologist seemed to backpedal a bit and say, "Well, I'm not sure that's the case..." Honestly, I'm worried he was taken aback particularly with my seeming investment in an AS diagnosis. It is NOT that I wanted to say, "See! See! It's HIM! I knew it!" I know marriage is a two-way street. It's just that, frankly, an AS diagnosis would explain SO MUCH and help me to navigate through our relationship without thinking my husband is just insensitive. If he has Asperger's, that information could quite literally save our marriage. I KNOW he loves me. It's just so tough to be with him sometimes. But if there is a reason for it, and a way move forward, well, that's a WAY better scenario. As I said, he's absolutely brilliant. He knows everything about everything about cars (specifically off-roading jeeps, he built quite an impressive one out of a stock jeep) and is a self-taught computer programmer. His sense of humor is like no one else I've ever known. I adore him (but I was starting to forget that until counseling last night).

Sheesh. Sorry for rambling. I stumbled upon this forum and am getting the feeling it will be tremendously helpful whether we ever get an official diagnosis or not. Thanks for reading, if you've even made it this far!

Welcome to WP.

I can understand how difficult it is to live in an angry environment, it is very unsettling.
I hope you and your husband find the answers you are seeking soon.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

My wife figured out I had Asperger's--it was quite a relief to her to know that I was "different"--in a good way. Typically, I function best when I have a few hours after work to work on something alone--like gardening--every single day, week after week. Aspies like regular routines. A couple years ago I decided to pull out all the dandelions in our yard--not something the average person would do--I got them all! We may have the only yard in the state with clover but no dandelions.

It can be rather expensive to get a diagnosis as an adult--we were quoted $1500 by a specialist last year. But, I've since discovered that many folks who work with autism can recognize the telltale signs of someone with autism. I'm a rather obvious case--a typical person might build one or two really neat looking model airplanes--I'll build a couple dozen. But, there are certainly advantages to having a spouse with Asperger's--I've fixed just about all the appliances in our home, at very low cost.

Good luck, though frankly I'm not optimistic. I fear that he will just use the diagnosis as an excuse for his behavior, instead of using it as a pathway to helping to work things out between you.

I believe that AS can explain a lot, but it doesn't excuse it. I am responsible for what I do in my marriage (21 years, it can work). I know I am not easy to live with, but I try really hard, even when it is things that I really hate. I believe that, without my wife, I would almost never leave the house, and spend my every waking moment on my obsession (usually some video game). She has saved me from that, yet I often resent her for it. But without her, they'd probably cart me away eventually.

Work on it. Try to get him to see the value in working on it. Marriage is never easy, but you've two kids to think of, so it is worth trying to make it work.

Thank you SO much for your responses. I was pretty concerned about offending anyone or appearing drama-queenish (read a few past threads, yikes!). That wasn't my intention at all.

The thing is, and the reason I'm optimistic, I've been bugging for marriage counseling for years, and finally just made. the. appointment. I told him it would mean a lot to me if he came. And I know he hated EVERY minute of it but he was 100% invested. Apparently he'd rehearsed his answers all day. He even corrected me when I softened the blow of discussing his anger in front of the counselor. He said I was being too nice to him. I was shocked. And he explained that he was there because he really, really cares about me. In short, he was the guy I fell in love with in there.

And after, he has been really curious about Asperger's. I told him to look into it on the internet. HE wants to find an answer, which had never been the case before.

Another thing? Our daughter is his veritable twin. She needs a routine. They even crawled and walked at the same time (13 mos, and 18 mos respectively - I think delayed motor skills is typical with AS? She also, like him, is delayed in her speech.

It is a little disheartening to know that a diagnosis for him would likely be very expensive, but I'm sure the school system would be required to test her.

BTDT- Too funny! My husband can fix anything and everything. My car, the refrigerator, computers. In ten years we haven't paid a repair-person a single penny! The down side? I drive a fifteen year old car. No new cars here!

In my opinion, I definitely will talk to him, but the disruption kids introduced to our lives might have nearly shattered his world. Our relationship was different before, but manageable, and we made fun of it regularly. After the kids the stress levels went through the roof. Even moreso than I'd expect for kids to do to a marriage, if that makes sense.

Anyway, thank you again! I really, really appreciate your responses.

To WrongPlanet!! !

We typically have one track minds--we are very good at devoting our attention to the task at hand, but trying to multi-task can result in a train wreck.

How about this?

Monday through Friday
Work/his projects

Saturday
Finish up loose ends on his projects

Sunday
Social activities with kids--like going to a museum or ball game.

Repeat this every week. Don't let him do any projects on Sunday or start new ones on Saturday.

Same here. My last truck lasted from '89 to '04 and the last car from '92 to '05 No need to keep up with the latest fashion I say. (I usually buy them used --low miles, good price.)

Back to your opening post and I can relate to that intense social anxiety and such. I did force myself into those situations from day one so it didn't get the better of me. Viscerally, I knew I couldn't give in even an inch-- it's a sink or swim thingy. This took many years to wear it down to almost nothing though.

Looks like you have a good start with it all here.

This is a really good suggestion. And it is a bit typical of what happens around here. In the past I've gotten frustrated because he gets more time to himself. He comes home from work when I have the kids all day and then retreats to the computer room. Honestly, I'm FINE with that, but then when I come home from work he gets to retreat to the computer room again. Now that there is likely a reason for him needing to do this, it makes sense. Really, I tend to be a go-go-go person anyway. It was less that I felt I needed down time and more that it seemed so unfair he got a lot of it and I got one happy hour a week. I have a bit of a different view now.

One thing that is difficult, we work opposite schedules to save money on daycare. I think that is probably exacerbating his stress because on any given day he is either at work or with the kids on his weekends. Same for me, but for me it isn't such a big deal. This would be easily remedied by putting the kids in daycare at least one day, but that costs money. Money is actually the BIGGEST issue that sent us to counseling. We have it. I'm 90% sure we have a fair amount of it. He is amazing at saving money and planning purchases. We recently bought a hot tub and he has no problem purchasing expensive equipment for his vehicles, but an $18 eyebrow wax for me? Forget about it. Nevermind that I cut my own hair to save money and have been wearing hand-me-down clothes for years and years.

I'm not sure if this is typical behavior, but can anyone point me in the direction of some threads relating to money and relationships? He has said even he doesn't understand his need for complete control over the finances. It recently let up a little because I was ready to leave. We compromised on an allowance for groceries and bills. But it still missed the point. I want to be a part of money decisions. Heck, I'd like to know how much we have and where it is. Even explaining that the kids and I would be screwed, at least for a bit, if anything, god forbid, happened to him. I'm sure I'd have access to the money but I wouldn't have a clue where to even find it.

Lastly (Good grief I'm windy today! Sorry! I just feel like all of these light bulbs are going off!) I completely forgot to mention that he actually did almost the SAME thing with dandelions! Not exactly, but our house was on the market and whenever we got a call for a showing, I would run around cleaning toilets, sinks and making beds, then getting the kids ready, while he'd run around the yard pulling every visible dandelion head. It's hilarious to me now, but frustrating at the time! Unlike you, though, the removal was temporary! I'm jealous of your dandelion free yard!



Not that I drive around crashing into things or anything, but I honestly prefer having used cars! We've never had a fight about a ding I might've caused because they're so old we don't really care! Bonus!

And it is good to know that the social thing can be worked on. Thing is, my family loves him, enough that they accept he's not a real social guy, but it would be really, really nice to hang out and drink beers with them and him. They're pretty funny people and so is he. ~sigh~ Maybe someday. Then again, I'm a pretty independent person (I think why we'd managed so well in the past) and I enjoy doing my own thing. So I'm glad I don't have to worry about him turning into any sort of social butterfly!

Lastly, should have asked this first, is it bad form to be continuing this thread? Is it supposed to be just to say hi? If so, oops! Will mozy my rear-end to some other part of the forum!

Thread hijacking is considered poor form--but this is your thread.

I keep my wife informed on how much we have and where it is--as you say--she needs to know if something happens to me. But, if the worst were to happen, the first place to look would be the Federal Tax returns.

Welcome to WP!

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