sapientdevice wrote:
Thank you for the warm welcome. Its nice to meet you all!
I'd like to say more but really I don't like to talk about my life because its so clear to everyone that knows me that the most helpful and immediate solution to my problems is to "just get a job."
I don't feel like that would really help me out in the long term because without money and time to decompress and go to school I will be trapped and failing miserably in customer service Hell forever so that I can serve my husband and attempt to stop his resentment.
Many many customer service failures and meltdowns. I love my husband but my relationship is completely screwed up and my husband says he doesn't love me. I am currently unable to provide for myself. I often feel a great deal of hopelessness. I have highly Ambitious, and expensive dreams as far as education goes. I can never ever have enough information there is always more to consider. A lot of exotic ideas float around within my head and usually the detailed information and resources I need to pursue them are far beyond my reach.... yet I hunger. That is pretty much me at this point in time.
I'm tired of people assuming that I am simply lazy because I don't have a job. I have taken a lot of pride when I have worked and I've always tried to do my best. I just can't deal with people without someone present to help me with them. Customers can be deceptive and persistent people and others are just -- I don't even know what some of them are, but they are definitely hard to relate to and deal with!
People like money and security. I like money and security. Why would I chose laziness over money and security? It just doesn't make sense to me. I want to contribute to society because I think it's important.
When it comes to empathy I can only draw upon the experiences I have had and try to rationalize how another person must be feeling and how I would or have felt.
I had a relatively isolated childhood so there are so many small everyday experiences that I have not had. I just don't how to relate to people. I don't like to be insincere or to put on any performing seal acts either. When I feel like I have to do it I feel like such a creepy weirdo! I just don't get a lot of things that people find so exciting or celebratory! I really don't. I rationalize situations and often I just don't understand why someone would be so dramatic. I like things to be real. My birthday is just another day like any other for me. Everyday is a helluva lot of people's birthdays. A surprise party sounds nice though and I would love one at this point just because I would love to have people in my life that thought I was worth the trouble.
I think Louise's outlook on empathy is interesting. It can be so hard to know whats going on in someone's head and for me its so hard to understand why they do many of the things they do at all. You cant really know that you are feeling the same way as them but I guess an empathetic feeling is feeling like you understand what it might be. I agree with the final statement because for me I can only react based on what's happened to me. When I feel like I can't relate if I try to imitate their reaction I feel very odd and wrong.
I no longer trust people that smile too much or seem overly excited and accommodating too quickly. Often it seems like these people can become manipulative and purposefully deceitful. I used to think that they were just honoring protocol but really I think they are just trying to project what they want people to see so that they can get what they want later.
I'm considering seeking a diagnosis so that maybe my husband will understand that even though my life isn't physically demanding things are hard for me and it isn't that I don't want to work or that I am lazy. There are a lot of things I want to do but I don't have the faculties and resources. If I was lazy then I would be in heaven but I am not happy. I guess I try to make the most of my situation so I will be content when I can. Maybe he sees this and thinks that everything is just peachy and that I am getting a free ride. I have a lot of stress and fear over this situations in our lives and they affect me a great deal. Everything that happens to him is something that I worry about as well. I feel a lot of resentment from him most of the time. If I thought I could I would go out into the world and become the most successful person ever to save us both from our troubles. I would love more than anything to be that person and to be able to do that.
I even tried once but I found out that to become that mega successful person you have to have the proper resources and be in the right place at the right time or you have to step on a lot of other people these days. I find the latter option unconscionable, reprehensible, and it puts me in a what feels like a nearly unrecoverable depression to know that so many people view this as a weakness or a character flaw. I'd like to see them give up all of their nice things because they can't stand the thought of intentionally harming others.
I sound like a negative person most of the time but I don't think someone that hangs on and keeps trying to be happy with what they can manage and have can really be a horribly monstrously negative person. The only reason I bring up unpleasant things most of the time is because I hope that people can help turn things around or maybe if I bring up things that are harmful then someone might remember it later or relate. Eventually maybe some good can come of it. The first way to solve a problem is to learn to identify the problem and to stop denying the problem. I almost never take a vacation from thinking about things unless I get high off acting like a buffoon for the fun of it and even then I am still open to any topic. Things just come up for me when they do and come out when I want input because I like to try to understand situations and solve problems. Constantly getting shutdown for negativity really hurts because I'm not trying to make anyone miserable at all. I guess I am just wildly inappropriate to most people.
I think you can realize your ambitions by being audacious. You have a responsibility to find a way to make your life as you want. If you feel like you are at a disadvantage, if you lack resources or information to reach your goals, you must be daring enough to make up for what you lack in some way. Perish the thought of embarassment if you ever feel it, because what is more important is that you have a responsibility to fulfill your desires for your life. I hope I can relate something useful:
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...customer service Hell...
I worked in customer service briefly. At first, it was very difficult because I wasn't used to talking to people, but I realized that I had an advantage by being emotionally uninvolved with everyone's concerns. I have had it remarked several times that I seem to be unphased, even too relaxed by things. Being emotional doesn't help solve problems. Unfortunately, there is also the 'drama' of fellow employees, and many people in such jobs have petty agendas. I was always the last to know about feuds or lilliputian quandries amongst employees, but eventually I became entangled in others' emotionalism. I suppose being aloof made me a target for projecting upon. That is why I worked to get away from customer service. I don't know all of your difficulties, but if you can achieve a small job it gives people the perception that you are working to achieve something. More important than perception is that you are veritably independent, Find something you can do undrudgingly. I work as a lifeguard now. It is relatively quiet in my particular facility (except the summer perhaps), and safety issues are fairly serious and straightforward. There is not muchroom for equivocation. My job isn't going to support me long-term, but it is apropos to my goals for the future.
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I'm considering seeking a diagnosis so that maybe my husband will understand that even though my life isn't physically demanding things are hard for me and it isn't that I don't want to work or that I am lazy.
I have vacillated a great deal about this issue and about the need for counseling. When I first came to WP I was very distraught and confused. I suppose I felt something like I was becoming more autistic. I have read a large number of descriptions and narratives from people on the spectrum and many are like what I experienced. I also was not supporting myself at the time. I learned about people who are on SSDI, and it was suggested to me. There are a lot of things I still do not understand about my own brain from a psychological perspective. I don't know if I am bipolar, have ADD, or for certain if I have Asperger's syndrome. However, I know my ambitions. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what, I have to work things out for myself. I don't think living on SSDI is appropriate for me. It is up to you whether or not identifying yourself with a diagnosis will help you in the future. It may help people understand or sympathize, but you still must to work. Maybe one day you can advise someone on the spectrum by drawing on your experience. Personally, I can't afford the diagnostic exams to be diagnosed officially. It is another liability at the moment, one I won't allow. Either way, I think life is simply learning what contexts allow one to stabilize in the midst of challenges and eschewing anything that contravails this. I suppose you have a burden to relate to people as they have a burden of understanding, but a useful attitude might be that if people can't understand, it isn't your problem.
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I sound like a negative person most of the time but I don't think someone that hangs on and keeps trying to be happy with what they can manage and have can really be a horribly monstrously negative person. The only reason I bring up unpleasant things most of the time is because I hope that people can help turn things around or maybe if I bring up things that are harmful then someone might remember it later or relate.
It is unfortunate, but in my experience as well, being honest about your reality simply turns people away most times unless that person is exceptional, such as a professional counselor or other exceptionally receptive people. Some people have more cause to be bitter, but having had such experiences does not mean that one should feel abject or faulted for being honest or sincerely expressing their reality. It seems a lot of people cannot stand to have negative things shared with them unless it is on television or sensationalized in stereo. My solution is simply to keep my struggles to myself. I have observed that this sometimes makes people more curious. This gives me the opportunity to decide if I can relate to a person, how much I want to share with them, and to keep people away when all they provide is confusion. I learn about people first because I find that most people can't be trusted with what are apparently the delicate, embarrassing details of my life. It also helps to decide what is appropriate to say and how much.
I am certain my advice is very imperfect or incomplete, but I hope something is useful.
19 Mar 2011, 2:54 am
