I am a lost soul who after being on this planet for soon 38 years, recently (a year ago) found out about Aspergers syndrome and it was like reading the story of my life.
Some years ago, i think it was around 2004/2005 i started to feel that life could be so much more than how i currently experienced it, and that started a new journey for me, i started to question and search for this "new" experience. Which took me on many paths and changed alot in my life.
In 2008 many things happened and that summer i experienced a new way of being, that totally amazed me. And one thing that stand out is a afternoon in the park with two friends. This afternoon in the Park story sums up this new way of being very much.
The Park
We had talked of and on for almost a year that we should meet and exchange martial art experiences with eachother. With my usual state of mind, i could never be able to get this meeting to happen, as in most things in my life, its all in my head but it never comes out in reality the way i want it to.
So this summer to my suprise i got into action and not even contacted my friend but also decided time and place. Usually doing a thing like this would if it ever happen cause alot of stress and kinda put everything else in my life on halt until i would get this meeting over with, But now i planned a thing like this 3 days before it should happen. And i looked forward to it, it didnt put everything else on hold for 3 days, it on the other hand made thoose 3 days more rich of experiences and made me relax.
The day the meeting would happen i wanted to write down a word list with keywords of the things that i wanted to show him of the martial art i practiced. and normally that list would either be crowded and superdetailed or i would never make a list. This time i just thought about it occasionally theese 3 days and when the meeting was comming up i just sat down and wrote a simple list. No fuss whatsoever.
I put on my training gear, collected my stuff in a bag and walked towards the park without being short of time or stressed. On the way to the park i met a person i briefly know and i stoped and talked with him causally and after some minutes when i felt it was time to move on i ended the conversation without any thoughts about how to end it, or how does he react and so forth, and went to the park.
The park was full of people, mostly students who should start their first year at high school, and i skimmed the park after my friend, i couldnt see him so i picked a nice spot by some trees with a good shade and decided to warm up a little until he arrived. Again this is very not "me" a park full of young people laughing, talking, singing, and here should i start to do some warmup. Usually this would create alot of tension in me and i would get very lost how to behave and how to decide anything.
After some minutes of warmup my friend came on a bicycle, and guess what he wasnt alone!?!?! he had brought with him without me knowing his girlfriend, and this would usually create chaos in my world, something i hadnt planned and now change to a new plan here in the park with others...no no no.....but i just felt curious who she was and thought that it will be nice,
We started to discuss and exchange ideas and experiences, it was a free flow of creativity and when i had emptied what i intended to show them we decided to sit down on the grass and they had brought some beers we could share. This part would be the hardest one for me. I had now finished what i intended to show them and usually for me that would mean the end of our encounter and i would find a way to get back home. but now we should sit down and just talk? About what?
But this time was different, we talked about so many inspiring things and i felt engaged, not in my head and what i should say and when i should say something and if i should say something and if they are having a good time and if they felt i was wierd or quiet or, or ,or.....
And during our talk two girls came by near us and should take a pee in a bush not far from us...one of the girls glanced at me walking by and then when they finsihed their stuff in the bush they stoped by us and we joked some with them and the girl that glanced at me said she had enjoyed some of the "moves" i had done earlier doing my martial art. and i invited here to learn some and i said i am in this park training every other day and she was welcome. She walked away with a smile towards me.
Usually when a girl or anyone looks at me i dont connect to that person. i never know how to respond or how to behave, but when she first glanced at me i felt she was looking into me, because she was interested in me. which was confirmed when she said she liked my "moves" and i naturally responded with my invitation to her. This normally is science fiction for me, i have never understood if a girl is interested in me regardless what she do or say unless she specifically says, i am interested in you. And me inviting her to come and train with me? i have no idea if hse likes martial arts, if she trains the same things as me......
after the girls left we continued our talk in the park and after a while i realised i was getting hungry and simply said that i was getting hungry and it was time for me to get home and get some food. Without the usual thoughts, should i get home now, how should i end the conversation, do they want to go home now.......and do on. We gathered our stuff and gave eachother a big hug (hugging people who arent family!?!?!) and thanked for a very enjoyable time together and that we should do this again sometime and off i went home. without any thoughts of when is sometime?, is it next week or next month, or....
I left the park full of energy and with a smile in my face.
Some days after this experience i felt i was loosing the new found state of being that had slowly manifested the first half year of 2008 and i started to panic......not long after this beautiful experience in the park i was back in my old ways again and this realisation made me completely crash in september that year.....
And here i am 2011 disconnected and dysfunctional, desperatley trying to find the way out again, sometimes wishing i never had that taste of life.
Love
/zport[b]
Last edited by zport on 04 Apr 2011, 12:54 pm, edited 5 times in total.
04 Apr 2011, 12:37 pm
