So this past week wasn't the first time I thought I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum. The truth is, though, that like a lot of people I always thought of autism as the extreme examples to be found in books and on TV. Being a woman doesn't help either, it was only when I thought to read about women and aspergers that it all came into place.
To be honest, I don't know where I belong on the spectrum. I don't think I have that many issues compared to others, what clicked for me was all the literature about social skills - sitting out, being withdrawn, missing openings in conversations, not knowing how much of a 'hello' I should give people at work, and, of course, all the hurt from when I was a child.
Sometimes my mum would say, "Don't you have any little friends you want to bring home," to me, and it always came out as an accusation rather than genuine concern or curiosity. I don't think I ever gave her an answer. I didn't know how to say that I wanted to have friends but that nobody wanted to be friends with me. I never knew why, either. I always thought it was because I hadn't had the time to learn how to make friends because she kept me busy with other things.
As an adult, I've found that joining societies and groups of people with similar interests works for a while, but only for a while. Relationships are difficult to maintain and I can never hide my impatience or anger when things go wrong. I did get a husband somehow and I suppose he stops me from being completely isolated. There have been times in the past though when he's gone away for a holiday and I won't see anyone except the people at work for the whole time. I'm not a person people call when they're going out. Our friends call him, usually, and then he gets exasperated with me because I ask him about what's going on. He tells me to call them myself. I don't know if he ever realises that I don't want to because I know it's him they want, really.
I do enjoy being by myself. Any weekend that has too many social engagements, one can often be too many, is a weekend that I think of as work. It doesn't relax me. Being at home and sitting in silence is what relaxes me. I like camping because I also like being outside when the weather isn't too hot. It's peaceful outside. I've always thought that one day I would get myself deliberately lost in a forest so that I would never have to come out again to face the world.
I haven't told my husband yet that I think I have aspergers. I'm not sure if I want to. He's usually kind and listens well to most of my problems, which usually involve work (I'm an EFL teacher in Asia and it's not unusual for me to feel like I'm failing at my job), but like I said, sometimes he gets exasperated, and there are times when he'll mock me in front of other people for not being able to do something that he and they all find perfectly simple to do.
Anyway, I'm glad I found a place where I can finally get some of this off my chest. I think I'll be hanging around for a while.
06 Apr 2011, 11:41 am
