This is turning out to be more daunting than I anticipated....
My name is Marc. I have not been diagnosed as having Asperger's but I believe it is a much more accurate title than my other two, schizo-affective and generalized anxiety disorder. I think trying to describe too earnestly what I experience sometimes as a result of sensory overload and auditory sensitivity led the doctor to think I was schizo. After years of trying different medicines with no improvement, I took myself off them and stopped seeing a doctor.
I was born in the US but when I was in first grade I moved with my family to Saudi Arabia. Up until enrolling in college I spent most of my school years in Saudi with the exception of a year in Pensacola and two years at a boarding school in Austria. Looking back it is easy to see how my behavior might have been a clue to something, but with so many of my peers being from different cultural backgrounds there was hardly a baseline to relate personal awkwardness to. There was also many times where a language barrier might have covered my lack of social skills. Although I was bullied at times in my childhood, I suspect it was no worse than most children probably have to deal with and likely less damaging than what children who exhibit the traits of Asperger's deal with elsewhere. I was more worried about being jumped and beaten up just for being American since that happened quite often, so maybe I was able to downplay regular bullying in my mind. As I got older I was able to understand the cultural history and motivation behind why I would be attacked, as a result I could shrug it off, if it was any other American my age walking down the same street instead of me they would have gotten attacked instead. If I were being bullied because I was different and singled out from my peers, it would have felt more personal and difficult to understand.
When I graduated high school and got ready to attend university I was excited, while I got along well enough with my classmates growing up, my schools were always relatively small. I thought maybe being around that many more people would mean there would have to be an increased chance of finding people who I felt more akin to. I was totally naive and quickly experienced culture shock and cruelty. In the past I could usually relate the cruelty I saw around me to cultural rivalries and concrete social systems. Once I was in university I saw more clearly that, even with all the freedom and supposed tolerance, people would create their own divisions to justify their cruelty. The symbols seemed petty, less logical and harder to read and after losing enough social games I didn't even know I was in, I moved even more inward than the shy person I already was.
Eventually I changed schools, got out of the dorm room living arrangements and started to figure out my own routine. I started on a photography degree at a community college and breezed through most of the classes until I got to studio portraiture. This class led me to bad anxiety and a desire to quit school. I made a few attempts at the class but eventually had to stop with only two classes left before my degree. When I went to tell the head of the department what was going on and why I was having such a hard time continuing he asked me if I had ever talked to anyone about Asperger's. He told me his son had dealt with it, and from his observations, as well those by my other instructors, it might be something I should try to consult a doctor about. That was a few years ago and I have yet to see a doctor about it, mostly because when I was diagnosed as being schizo-affective it became nearly impossible to qualify for health insurance. That is a large part of why I would like to find out if being diagnosed as having Asperger's would allow me to get schizo-affective reevaluated and taken off my medical record.
Sorry for the drawn out introduction and please be kind.
22 Apr 2011, 6:19 am
