Greetings from Planet Me :)

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Hello! This is my first time here. I apologize if my post title sounded arrogant; its just how I usually think of myself (as being from my own planet). I have gotten to the point in my own head that I have decided to start looking for answers - if any exist - as to why I am the way I am. I am not like other people. I do not know if I have Asperger's, but everything that I have read to date is screaming that I do. I stumbled upon this site while trying to come up with the correct key words to search for on google. The name of the website alone drew me in.

I'm 28 years old, and I have (fairly) recently decided to start looking around, on the off chance that I'm not alone in my head. I don't want to get into a big, lengthy bio, so I'll try to sum it up simply. I was homeschooled, an only child (until I met my dad when I was 16 and discovered that I had siblings), and largely self taught. My mom did a great job, but we traveled all over the world and she was busy. Plus, I was successful at teaching myself, and made her job that much easier. I LOVE learning, and I love being ALONE. I'd live in a (vacant) library if I could get away with it. I'm sorry if that sounds rude. I do not like to be touched unless it is absolutely in an unemotional (read: professional) way - and even then, I deal with it but don't particularly enjoy it. The exception to this is one person - my boyfriend. And it has taken him - literally - 7 years to get to where he has with me. He wants to get married, but I don't want to saddle him with me for the rest of the poor guy's life. I find it EXTREMELY uncomfortable to look people in the eye for more than a few seconds, even family members. Being stared at sends me into an agitated state that increases until it causes me to remove myself from the line of sight - to whatever length that may take - of the starer. I do not know what to say to people (especially emotionally excited people), and while I may force myself to act "normal" in social situations (if I am somehow unable to avoid them), things like shaking hands baffle and discomfit me. I'm sorry if I am rambling.

People and their customs, actions, and behaviors are almost downright embarrassing for me to observe. This goes for every race and culture. I'm sorry, I know I'm sounding like such an arrogant jerk - I'm just throwing this out there in case there might be someone who gets it. Clapping, for example, not only baffles me on a social level, but it hurts my ears and head. If I am around a group of people that decide that they have a reason to clap, I do not join in. I will get as far away as I can without drawing attention, and will observe them and wonder - what made human beings draw a correalation between flopping/slamming their hands together so as to produce a loud and agitating noise; and approval, appreciation, support or encouragement? I am so frustrated because I do NOT UNDERSTAND why that is a good idea. Is this supposed to produce an emotional result? Cause the recipient of the clapping and/or the clappers to feel a sense of approval and bonding? All they are doing is making painful noise while flopping around. Why? I am so frustrated Do they even think about what they are doing or why? This is one example of what goes on in my head.

I have a very high aptitude for scholastic understanding, but I do not do well in a classroom. This could be because I was homeschooled. I do not learn the way other people learn - most notably in math. A few years ago I decided I was going to get over myself and go to college. That was a big mistake. I tested straight into honors in English, but painfully low in math. I had to start in a basic math class, which I ended up dropping out of because I was failing. I was not failing because I did not understand the material - I was failing because I do the equations my own way, in my head (and on paper if needed), but I have my own way of doing it. This was not what the teacher was teaching, and he did not understand how I was getting the answers correct without using the accepted formulae, and practically accused me of cheating. I have a ridiculously high moral standard I hold myself to, and the mere hint of suspicion devastated me. I turned in my first test, and when I got it back, it was marked with a big red F. I asked him why, and he said that I got all the answers right, but did them wrong, so he would only give me half credit. 50% = fail. So I failed with every answer right. I love math, and I love physics and astronomy especially, but I cannot advance because the school system does not understand or accept the way I do things. I have had IQ tests administered (3, to be precise, because I was testing very high and they wanted to rule out a fluke, I guess), and I scored a perfect 100% - repeatedly (haha) - in the area of pattern recognition. I'm not trying to brag. I am a self taught astrophysicist, but only in my own home and head. I have written many papers, that no one has ever seen. But when I look into some of the topics I've written about, I find that I am right, over and over. It is frustrating that I have no one to talk to, there is no one who understands me and with whom I can communicate compatibly. My mother tries, and she is supportive, but when I go into the theoretical physics behind the rotation of differing galaxies, or the spatial awareness that cripples humanity into the observable universe (don't get me started), I always get the same thing - glazed eyes, an occasional blink, followed by (from my mother) "you're a genius", or (from basically everyone else), some variation of "WTF?" I have learned that when my end of the conversation "devolves" into "normal people overload" and they reach critical mass in their listening/understanding capabilities, the best thing for me to do is say - usually after a short pause in which crickets chirp - "well, I'm just saying." This seems to have the effect of releasing the listener from any perceived social obligation to respond, and allows them (and ME) - to escape without any further awkward interaction. One more thing that may or may not be noteworthy - I pick up languages like no one can believe. I have actually been suspected by several different people in several different situations, of being a spy (how ridiculous is that). I am also a perfectionist and a neat freak.

Does this sound even remotely like anything anyone on here has seen in relation to Asperger's? If not, that’s fine. I'll just keep keeping to myself. I was just curious. I'm sorry for going on so long and seemingly selfishly or arrogantly. If no one has gotten this far in reading, I am not offended or surprised. If someone has....thank you.

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. I find that I usually do, one way or another, and I promise that I do not mean to. I'm just very literal, very analytical. I mean no harm. I have found it advantageous to exercise pre-emptive apology in most situations, as I'm usually guilty of some social gaff.

Again, thank you for reading my ramblings, and I look forward to any responses. I'm going to stop typing and look around the board now, and I apologize if the topics that I have covered have already been covered elsewhere and I have posted in the wrong area. I will not be offended if the post if removed.

A warm welcome from Wrong Planet.net.

Welcome to WrongPlanet

I read through all your post
At least to me, you haven't sounded offensive at all. Unfortunately, I can't relate to a lot of what you wrote, but that's just me.
Hope you enjoy your time here

Thank you both for taking the time to read, and the welcome

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

You do sound like someone who belongs around here. Welcome.