Hi everyone!
I'm new here. I just found out that I have Asperger's. Ever since I found out, I have been sort of looking back at my life so far and finding new meaning in the memories. I have also been reading about Asperger's. I have a need to learn more about it. I decided to post here in order to process things and in hopes of getting feedback.
Throughout my life, I have always had social difficulties. I was always the quiet girl in the class. I would often have a close friend or two, but very, very often felt alone. I was always on the outside at school and didn't have friends from elsewhere. I have been teased in school numerous times.
When I was little, I used to be very routine-oriented. My father has told me that I had to get out of the car in certain ways or I would get very upset. I would also get very upset if anyone came into my room and moved anything, even an inch. I had decrotive pillows lined up on my bed in a certain order. It made me upset if they were moved. My arrangement of my dollhouse was similar. My stepmother told me a few years ago that, when my sister rearranged my dollhouse, I wasn't the same for weeks. I can still remember it, and I think I was five. I still like for things to be predictable and I love routines.
At school, I have always been seen as wierd. Now, in grad school, I thought I had escaped that label, but I found out a couple months ago that I have not. I used to pull out my hair as a way of self-soothing. I slept during study halls to take breaks from everything. Now, in my late 20s, I still pet my hair or twirl it when I am stressed. And taking naps still helps me get through my days at school, which I recently redescovered. It was always really obvious that I was different. I stopped talking at school for a year. I refused to answer the teachers' questions or answer people in my class if they talked to me. But I thought I had been doing a better job blending in in grad school. About two months ago, however, I found out that multiple classmates had approached teachers at school and told them that they were concerned about my "emotional wellbeing." I had been unaware that I was doing anything weird. I started thinking that maybe it was because I don't talk to people very much. I talk a lot to my best friend there, but other than that and passing "hi"s in the hallway, I am very asocial. I don't know what else I am doing to be seen as weird. I have always thought I was quirky and different. I have never felt like I was the same as other people. When I was in high school, I thought maybe I had mental retardation and no one was telling me. Now I know that's not the case, but it shows how different I felt and still sometimes feel.
When I try to talk to people who aren't close friends, it is draining. It takes all of my effort even to have a five-minute conversation. I know to ask people about school and their practica, but then it gets quiet. I don't know what to say. At work, when talking to people, the same thing happens. It actually happens in a lot of situations.
Certain stimuli have always bothered me. I can't wear certain fabrics becaause they feel wrong. Loud noises startle and bother me a lot. It is difficult for me to focus on what one person is saying if others are talking nearby. Walking through crowded stores or other places makes me feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I can't stand it and have to leave. I hate crowds and a lot of noise. It also bothers me when things are out of place / messy in my house. I live with my father and sister, and my sister is very messy. It bothers me when she messes up those areas, because then they feel bad to be in. (Lately, I have rarely been home, so I don't care as much.)
If I had the choice, I would wear the same thing every day. Sometimes, when it is the weekend, I do. I love repetatively watching tv shows. As a child, I was obsessed with one show and had every episode on tape (before they sold sessions of tv shows in stores). As an adult, I had another series that I watched over and over. Now, I have another show that I watch repetetively. I watch or listen to episodes of it as I am going to sleep and it soothes me. When I am stressed, I watch it too. Sometimes I will watch the same episode multiple times in the same week. That would not be uncommon for me at all.
My use of language is very exact at times, both verbally and in writing. I also just realized that I have a hard time sensing sarcasm. I was always very gullible, and even now, I sometimes have to ask, "Are you serious or joking?" Also, twice this past week, I responded to comments people had made, only to have them say things like, "I was being sort of sarcastic." When that has happened in the past, I felt like the person wasn't being expressive enough. Now, I am thinking that it might be me.
There is more, but I feel done writing right now. Any feedback anyone has is welcome.
02 Jun 2011, 10:28 am
