Hello. Here is some information about me.

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I've been lurking around for a bit, and as of late I've decided that a lengthy introduction might release some inner tension that I've been feeling. So, this is my introductory post; as a fair warning, most of the lines in this will begin with the letter 'I' and there will be many lines.

I'm not sure that I have Aspergers in particular; I think that I do not, as certain things do not quite seem to fit. I did score 166 Aspie to 40 something NT on the Aspie quiz, and 42 on the AQ test, but I'm not really convinced that Aspergers totally fits. I have, however, been diagnosed at various times with [ADHD-PI] [OCD] [mild Tourettes] [Social Phobia].



Facts about my brain and how it behaves (or how the neural calculations manifest in external behavior):

I have quite a bit of ambient anxiety. As a teenager I suffered from panic attacks due to social phobia, though that has largely subsided. Among the traits that I share with Asperger's persons is that I tend to have a single-minded obsession, which I will catalog and elaborate upon shortly.

I tend to either involuntarily zone out or draw a total blank when people are talking to me about things outside of my current interests, though if it is something I happen to have some knowledge about I can usually construct a coherent response.

I am very poor at expressing myself in person, though I have little trouble doing so in written form (this was not always the case; though I was an early reader I had a paradoxically poor writing ability, something which strangely subsided by the age of 12). I tend to stumble over things and loose my pace when I have an extended thought that I wish to verbalize.

I am also quite physically clumsy and have been often told that I have a lumbering gait (my good friend , of which I have few, has on a number of occasions jokingly refereed to me as having the gait of a Sasquatch; as I tend to slightly hunch and lumber around), and that I tend to have odd facial expressions. I understand that both of these are Asperger's traits, and they do not seem to fall in line with my diagnosed conditions.

I also tend to have intrusive thoughts and ruminations, which comes with the OCD. I tend to blink quite a bit, which comes with my Tourette's. I have photo-sensitivity, noise sensitivity, used to have palilalia (tic involving repeating my own words in a whisper; actually this seems to run in my family) and an aversion to eye contact (though this has subsided over the past few years since I have become a bit more social).


Obsessive interests:

I want to break chronological order here, as it will allow me to segue into something which I haven't seen with too many people:

Philosophy and logic: Duration [17-21 that is; until the present] I would spend hours reading philosophy and I often debated it online; very rarely in person. I also had an obsession with logic, especially mathematical logic, which I took a graduate course sequence in during my junior year. I had a fixation on eliminating a background feeling of uncertainty which in retrospect was likely due to my obsessive compulsive disorder. I had a strong fixation on on logical positivism, specifically the programmes of Carnap and Quine; the concept of reducing all meaningful statements to first order logic was incredibly satisfying though it turns not to be tenable.

I then moved to statistics and science, which form another closed but adaptable worldview that I can feel cognitively sound it.

I have a bit of an odd relationship with my 'theory of the world', as it were. I feel a great and pressing anxiety whenever my theory of the world is cast into doubt, so I have an obsessive tendency to... well, learn more so that I can fix it, as I also have a very strong anxiety about being wrong or confused. I do not compartmentalize well; doing so would be in conflict with my need to have a complete, accurate mechanistic template for the world. I've gathered that this is a somewhat unusual obsessive behavior, and a strange place for my anxiety to come from.

Within this process of 'world building' I relieve quite a bit of ambient anxiety, and it ultimately proves to be quite a powerful motivator for acquiring useful skills. For instance; I've developed a strong ability and interest in maths again. In fact I spend most of my days reading about maths, physics, biology, theoretical computer science, neuroscience and psychology.

I have met other people with similar interests, but they have never shared this mechanism. I don't really know why I have it or what it indicates, if anything.


Natural Sciences, specifically insects and small machines: Duration [Ages 5-8]

Description: I had a catalog of insects that I carried everywhere. I read it quite a bit and memorized it. I also tinkered with things that used small motors. I would assemble things that involved small motors, and take the motors apart etc.

Mathematics: Duration[9-11] Learned algebra during 4th and 5th grade. Cut short when (A) I realized that the advanced course in 6th grade was the same as the math I was learning on my own in 5th (B)I was accidentally moved to the normal level class for 7th grade, and was very nervous about asserting myself to the teachers, especially since I was at that point convinced that I wouldn't be learning anything new anyway. Halfway through I was put back into the advanced class, by then I had become fed up with the process and lost my interest in pursuing mathematics for the time being (though as indicated, this has become a major interest again).


Drawing: Duration [11 to 15] Though I always had some degree of interest in artistic skill (one of my parents is an artist), this did not develop into an obsessive interest until the age of 9, perhaps.

Description: During the duration of my obsession with drawing I would come home, find pictures on the computer of things I wanted to draw, and then draw variations on them until I was able to mimic the style relatively satisfactorily. I would often spend upwards of six hours a day drawing, in a solid block.

Guitar: Duration [15 to 18]

Description: Again, I typically spent 6 hours a day practicing on my own volition. I did not like to be interrupted, and I did not have any strong desire to socialize as it would mean that I wouldn't be able to practice guitar. I did have some desire to play music with other people, though I rarely got to until my sibling took up an interest in music as well.

I also quite enjoy the board game Go (aka Baduk, aka Weiqi), though I have never really been obsessed with it.


In any event, I don't really have many people to talk with about my interests in person so I tend to live online quite a bit; posting in topical fora and mailing lists. I have a few friends, but I do not feel totally in synch with them even though they are highly intelligent and not totally neuro-typical (assuming this label isn't strictly in contradistinction to Asperger's) themselves; I sort of have two worlds, one that I live out when I am studying what I am interested in or participating in mutual projects or discussions online and one where I am in social situations and come across as strange and nervous.

Well, I think this has been useful in helping me to organize my thoughts. Maybe someone else will find it interesting or useful.

To WrongPlanet!! !