So I always knew I was different, I always thought I was odd. I knew there was something off, but I never could get it right. They diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, they put me in a low stress situation. They told me I needed healing. They told me I just needed to learn some social skills. They told me I had anger issues and needed to forgive. I watched and observed how successful people were successful, and copied it. I became successful too, and suddenly, I was a top dog on campus. Then I was in all sorts of scenarios that were brand new to me, that I had done no research on, and had no idea how to behave. I got normal friends to translate for me when I didn't understand, and that got me by for a while. Then I got sick of living a lie, the lie that I was just another people person and well liked guy. I wasn't being honest to myself, or anyone else. I tried church too, where I did a 12 step program. I was never sure what I was in for, but I did all twelve steps. Somewhere along the way, I had a church fall out, and felt God didn't care. I wrote a note about how 'people like me' didn't belong in the world, and took a bunch of pills. As I was going for more, a cat came in to the room and meowed, and I stopped and 911'd it. They sent me away to a psyc ward. I dropped out of school and work, and life itself. They told me it was a major depressive episode. Months later, I returned to school, and saw a presentation on Autism. I saw so much of me in it, and made an appointment with a specialist. Within 30 minutes of talking to me, she said she was 99 percent sure I had Aspergers, and was amazed at how I had coped for 25 years and done so 'well.' She was also shocked all the docs I had seen hadn't picked up on the Aspies symptoms prior. Since then, I have felt the best I have in years. I no longer blame myself when I fail, when I get something wrong, or when I feel bad. My locus of control has changed, and I feel like I can be me, without needing 'healing' as there was never anything wrong with me. I am just wired a bit differently. I now know why I possess some insane abilities in memory, detail, and objectivity, and know why I have harder times when it comes to reading people correctly, or understanding why more people aren't like me. I can forgive myself and let it go. I am pissed it took 25 years to diagnose, I suspect school would have been much easier if I'd have known how to react or why I didn't react in certain ways better. I still don't understand women, though women find me to be such a good friend, like a big brother. Too bad that means I'm in the friends zone. I can make nearly anyone like me one-on-one, or in a presentation setting. It's in the smaller group with multiple interactions that I struggle. That's about it. This is my first post on here, so I thought I'd just post my story. I really am on the wrong planet. Thanks for letting me share.
19 Jun 2011, 9:07 pm
