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This is my first post and I don't yet have an autism spectrum diagnosis, but for some time I have believed I am a bit autistic. I had an episode of mutism when I was six and my mother feels I turned on her around that age and have been less loving and happy since then. There are other factors involved, she tried to force me to talk with threats and punishments and severe beatings and I came to dislike, distrust and disrespect her. But I do have difficulty showing affection, making eye contact, attending to social situations, and initiating conversation for the sake of socializing. When I first read about the concept of "theory of mind" it was a bit of a newsflash, I had not been putting much thought into the phenomenon of perspective, although technically it was in my vocabulary and I don't see why I didn't know better. I still live with my mother, she thinks of me as a psychopath when she is upset with me but she is my only source of instrumental support. But I am in graduate school and hoping to pursue a PhD in another city if I can secure financial aid for tuition and the cost of living. I have been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia for coming forward about the abuse in adulthood (she denies it) but I am optimistic I will be able to change my diagnosis once I am able to pay for my health care and shop around for a health care professional who will take my voice seriously. So with those hopes and plans I thought I would visit here and see if anyone knows about interventions for adults newly diagnosed with autism as I found when I searched the forums that others here have had experiences like mine.

Hi there and welcome,
it seems you didn't grow up in a healthy environment and many people here went through similar things.
There are a lot of possible differential diagnosis: mutism, autism/asperger syndrome, hospitalism, emotional deprivation, schizophrenia.
I hope for your that you are really misdiagnosed and that you can realise your occupational career. Trying to force someone with mutism to talk is the same as if you put oil in the fire. It only makes things worse and I'm sorry to hear that; it only pulls people more into silence. Many people here went through a lot of misdiagnosis and it happened to me as well.
Maybe if you have some other symptoms, like stereotypes, routines/habits, sensory issues to touch/sounds/smells or something like that, that would put you in the autistic direction as well and comfirm your opinion. Many are very picky with food. Usually we are obsessed with some special interests and we prefer to get very deep in that topic. We are overwhelmed easily with people and conversations and have problems to concentrate and focus on them. Many have problems with the auditive perception, especially if there are background noises as well and we have our own world and retreat in our thoughts. And we struggle with social interactions, well not me anymore - only sometimes if I'm not in the mood for people.
It seems your mother blames you for the things in your childhood but actually it's not your fault. That's the thing you should realise at first. It's hard if you are alone with your conviction and no one really believes you. You sound to me very bitterly and maybe angry about all that but I think I can understand you.
I hope you will find answers here and maybe some friends. For the sake of socializing you are allowed to reply if you wish.
Karin

Hi Karin,

Thanks for the welcome and advice. You are right to think I feel bitter about my situation but I try not to let that shape who I am. I do find it hard to trust others but I realize most are not bad people like my mother. But because she is emotionally and verbally abusive still, it is very hard to stand friendship right now because you can't expect people to enjoy being around you if you are miserable about your situation. And I can't muster the motivation to pretend everything's okay.

I don't have stereotypic movements apart from rocking when I'm alone and upset, which I don't do very much, but I do have obscure special interests I'm deeply involved with and sensory issues with loud sounds. Many movies are too noisy for me and during loud action sequences I have to close my eyes and pretend I'm somewhere else. Is watching the same movies over and over again stereotypic? I collect certain movies and that's part of one of my special interests. To me it seems escapist and it does not feel repetitive.

You seem very nice to me and I understand when you won't be around people and that you can't stand friendships due to that. It's hard to listen to superficial things when your life feels like hell. Having trusting issues is no wonder with your background I think but how to bear that all on your own if you can't share your pain? You seem to me forced into silence to be honest. You escape into your movies and that seems a good way to handle it I think. It's like having an own world and that can keep people sane.
Maybe you can't stand the noises due to your abusive mother. I am through similar things and to me it's also hard to endure if it's loud around me. I hate it if people get louder and I try to calm people down then, it's a scary thing for me and I see that negatively. In general every situation when people tend to freak out scares me.
I'm rocking as well but I do this the whole day I think.
I'm happy that you found your way to WP, if you are autistic or not that doesn't matter. People here are different and that's okay
Things are here quite anonymous so you don't have to worry about trust and such things
So if you wish to write me you can send me a message on WP as well whenever you wish, I don't mind - it's more the opposite.

Thanks for saying that, I am glad I found WP too. Maybe I just have people issues because of the abuse, but I do identify with people with autism and Asperger's so I think it will be good to come here. I also joined an online support group for adult survivors of child abuse recently and it has helped but it's a very different environment, full of trigger warnings and everyone feeling very fragile. Sometimes I prefer seeing myself as "different" rather than identifying first as a survivor/victim, because putting the past first gives my mother more power over my identity than I think she deserves. My issues go beyond my immediate situation, and at least resemble Asperger's enough that I feel comfortable here.

I also don't like it when people around me are upset and I startle easily, somewhat like PTSD. So maybe that explains the sensitivity to loud noises in movies, they tend to be loudest in violent action sequences anyways. I have a beagle who is the same way, she's even afraid of sneezes.

I will send you a message, thanks for the invitation. I just wanted to reply to your post first.

Hi again,
I'm sure it's because of the abuse. What I wish to say is you shouldn't worry about your friendships. People who like you will stay true to you and those who won't are not worth thinking about. I know that can cause sometimes a bad conscience so you shouldn't feel sad. You have to think of yourself in the first place. May sound a bit selfish but it's just self protection and the try to survive.
It's very brave that you joined this online group and it takes a lot of courage to start talking about such things. So actually you should be proud of yourself. It's healthy to open up and talk about the things you suffer from.
You seem to me as a very peaceful person who tries to avoid trouble as much as you can. I think this fragile people there are like a reflection of yourself, therefore you don't feel so comfortable there. You may see yourself as weak sometimes, but actually you are not.
See how many people would choose being violent and aggressive to others as a possibility to get rid of anger and negative feelings. I know people who keep things inside turn the negative feelings against themselves sometimes.
I guess you have sometimes depressive phases as well, so don't feel forced to reply immediately. Do it when you feel like it
It's good that you have some pets who give you a silent company, sometimes animals understand much more than people and they can't reply with a hurtful word or saying.