I found out about this discussion group from another autism website. My story starts from earliest memory. I was not a bad looking kid, and should have had no reason to be considered abnormal (other than that my parents had diverse backgrounds). Well, from the get go, there was something off. I was seen as hyperactive, distracted, unable to pay attention, unable to follow directions, depressive, couldn't fit in, couldn't handle interactions with large groups of people, etc. I was marginalized out of any real societal existence. I spent my childhood alone, depressed, feeling helpless, and having zero self-esteem. I could never form any deep bounds of friendship with anyone. I was seen as a problem by teachers and adults in society. I was isolated and put down.
So, by the time I got to my teen years, I was a no one. No one considered me significant. I couldn't interact. I usually would talk to one person, and bore them to tears. In short, I couldn't have the full social interaction, like some kids I knew. They were naturals. They could interact very well with others, and people gravitated towards them. I repulsed people, drove them away with my depressive and lonely state.
Many times, I have considered myself a victim of being a victim. Had I been able to form positive social relations with people, I would not have been so lonely, odd, and depressed. The reaction became a sign that I was to be even more marginalized.
It wasn't long before I discovered I was way behind everyone else in terms of social interaction. I tried really hard to please people and do well in something. My condition prevented me from ever excelling enough to get people interested in me as a human being. By adulthood, it had gotten much worse. At least, as a youth, I had a very few core friends. Well, as an adult, my core friends moved completely on. I have struggled really hard just to have somewhat friendly people towards me. I have never had more than a few casual dates, and no relationship, marriage, etc. I pretty much have given up on the possibility of that ever happening. I don't want to shut the door. There is a very, very small chance, but it will take extremely hard work with no promise of any results.
Two years ago, a specialist diagnosed me with autism. I resisted it. I didn't want to be labelled. However, deep inside I knew that I had always had trouble paying attention to others, fully listening to others, emphasizing with them, building rapport and bonds, following instructions without getting frustrated. All roads seem to lead to autism. I get very frustrated at work by noise, distraction, and procedures that are not crystal clear. I get confused easily and rattled by anything that doesn't have a tangible explanation. So, that's a 101 about myself.
26 Jun 2011, 12:26 pm
