Hi All. Been doing some reading and lots of thinking and have started to wonder if i may have Aspergers.
I am terrible at reading people and hopeless with social situations. I managed to get a degree as a mature student some years back, but it was horrendous. Not the studying, but being in such complex social situations. I was/am unable to maintain eye contact and communicating was horrendous. I spent my childhood in care and therefore in a few different family settings. The feelings i have experienced in my childhood, and now my adulthood (i'm 42) i always put down to my upbringing. I am now starting to wonder if it is/was more than that.
I have never been good at making/maintaining friends. I feel like i don't understand the rules. I don't work for similar reasons. I don't know how to relate in that capacity. The internet has allowed me to communicate with people and it seems a 100 times easier, but lately i am feeling a fraud because i do not have the same skills in 'real life'. That's another reason i am questioning this. Although i do sometimes feel i don't understand online too and have to step back because i feel i'm missing something, or just don't get it. I sometimes take things too personally, or go the other way and offend without meaning to. I have issues with boundaries and am not sure what is acceptable behaviour to an extent. What is reasonable to expect in friendships, or not. And i don't mean that in a physical way.
As a child i felt like i was a robot and had to learn how to act with people. I acted robotic in my responses and read books (even at a young age) to try to teach myself how to understand adults, in an attempt to make sense. That need has continued and i have a fascination with psychology/spirituality/anything basically that leads to an understanding of how/why people interact the way they do. Because to me it is a 'foreign language'.
I know that something is different about me. I'd expect it with my upbringing. But i wonder now whether it could be aspergers. There are things i am probably not even aware of that i do. I know i have always had a tendency to count shapes/patterns. I also have a tendency if i am sending a message, i need to read it and re-read it numerous times. Go over it and over it, not for typos, i have no idea why, i just do until i can force myself to just send it!! I do that with some other things too.
I live in my head as an adult, and did as a child too. It's not how i would choose to be, but i don't seem to have any control over it. I often feel detached from myself, like i'm observing and not actually actively involved. Aspergers would have been very easy to have been missed as a child. I know i don't/can't relate the same as other people can. It's like everyone else got a rulebook, except for me. Anyway, i thought i'd put some of these things past you because i do feel i need to explore this (i do that with things too!!). Thanks in advance. Red. x
04 Jul 2011, 3:01 pm
