What up? I am sure beyond a doubt that I have Aspergers. I could go on and on about stuff I have read on this website that fits with me perfectly. I just don't fit in with anyone. Not in elementary school, not now in college. I liked to play by myself with my barbies when i was little and got really mad when people tried to change their clothes. Choosing new glasses frames really stresses me out and my mom never let me keep the same ones even though if she did I would probably still have the same ones as in elementary school. I also used to listen to the same cd over and over every day for weeks when i got a new one. I just got more into fashion and abandoned wearing jeans and tshirts every day, but i still like those better. I smoke a lot of pot too, not to fit in, but to calm down. I have awful anxiety all the time, and cry at the drop of a hat. I was depressed for a while, but I'm doing better now that I have more things in my life keeping me busy. I don't even fit in properly with the pot smokers though. Most of them annoy me because they haven't bothered to research it at all and know nothing about it. I don't do it to get stupid and act silly, i do it more because it makes me feel good and it's something i can do by myself and despite what i believed for a long time, it's less harmful than drinking a bottle of coca cola. I'm also brilliant, but only at school and with things i have researched extensively. When i am interested in something i open about ten new tabs at a time from google and could read about it all day, whatever the interest happens to be. For a while it was the sims. I could tell you absolutely everything about that game. I love that game. But no one else knows exactly where to find everything in the game or could play it for 8 hours a day like i can.Ask me something about american history or where a particular state is and i have no clue.I know pi to almost 50 digits, and i remember phone numbers and other numbers like no other, but i get lost going to walmart. I'm also generally clueless about pop culture and current movies. I have favorite tv shows that i watch all the time. But i just can't make myself care about celebrities and their personal lives. I have always gotten straight As and pretended to fit in though. I tried sports (fail), robotics (fun but still no connections), drama club (fun but still no friends). As an experiment i decided to stop talking to the people who i thought were my friends and see who talks to me first. no one did. I was bullied and teased constantly my whole life. People don't understand me, and what's worse is i hate talking about my feelings and stuff like that. I just can't do it. I have finally realized that life is NOT about fitting in at all. It's not really about standing out or any of that disney channel BS though. It's about becoming financially stable so that eventually you can just say f**k you to the world and live your life the way you want to. And if that includes reading about one topic or just relaxing in a hammock that is just fine. Do what you want.
Wow. this is a long post. I thought all the other i'm new posts were long too, and that i couldn't possibly type that much, but i did. And there's still more i have to say. It's so nice to get this off my chest. I discovered that i have aspergers after reading about it a lot and realizing that holy s**t this is why i don't have friends. I am great at school but awful at maintaining personal relationships. I have also decided that i am not going to tell anyone that i have this. i didn't get officially diagnosed or anything, but i just know. Sorry if this is totally disorganized, this is just the way i think. I don't know if i have ever met someone else with aspergers before. But maybe they were like me and didn't know until now. So i'm hoping i will finally fit in somewhere, even if it's just on an online forum.
28 Jul 2011, 9:40 am
