Have I finally found the answer I've been seeking?

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Hi there. I don't even know where to begin. I have been reading the discussion forum on this site for a couple of weeks now and (this is so non-masculine) I kinda want to cry.......which I haven't done since I was about 10. I no longer feel alone. I always felt so different and thought I was the only one with this set of unique problems/ways of thinking/whatever you want to call it......things which I couldn't express because words didn't seem to translate properly what was going on in my head. I have tried to talk to doctors about this stuff, but lacking the ability to phrase it properly put a damper on getting a satisfactory answer. As far back as I can remember everyone else seemed to operate and interact based on feelings and emotions...I had no clue how to do that. As a matter of fact I remember thinking for years that "I feel bad for you" or even "I love you" were just figures of speech. Feelings were/are the most foreign things in the world to me. The question "How are you doing?" always stumped me...What does he mean by that?....What is the appropriate answer to that question?....Why are you talking to me, why can't you leave me alone? I had no idea how I was doing because I don't operate on that level and this chit-chat and small talk seems seriously ret*d. now go away. I tried to fit in. I wanted to be accepted and have friends. I tried to act like everyone else, but it never seemed natural. I have learned from reading this site that what I was doing is called copying. So I spent years feeling like an outcast and an alien even tho I was well liked and popular in my peer group, despite the fact that I was often the butt of jokes or called dummy, etc. I was often referred to as the "dumbest smart person I know." Despite my high IQ I had no common sense, had a hard time with simple life things (opening the mail, cleaning, paying bills on time) and I often made bad decisions. Decisions which were, by human standards, overly complicated or incorrect but made complete sense to me. So I played along, laughing at myself with everyone else; perhaps accepting my lot in life even tho I knew deep inside there had to be an explanation for all this "differentness" (I like to make up words). But despite trying to laugh it off, deep inside that stuff hurt. As time went on I became more and more reclusive, my preference for introversion and isolation taking a deeper and deeper hold on me. And the longer it goes on the more I'm realizing it sucks. It really f'ing sucks. I haven't even had a girlfriend in two years. Girls think I am too aloof, when really I am just trapped in my head. Besides, girls just take up your time and money.......resources better utilized for research. (I don't have one special interest, I have 1,000 new interests per day and they all require a LOT of research )

So my constant thoughts of "What's wrong with me? Why does everyone else seem to have a manual for life and I seem so clueless? Why do the basic fundamentals of life seem so hard or overwhelming or even pointless to me?" somehow led me to reading about AS and reading this site. Light bulbs started going off over my head and I knew I had found the answer I had been seeking for so long - 20+ years probably. I've taken all the online tests I found posted on this site and they all point to me being AS or somewhere on the spectrum. The next indicated step is to bring it up with my shrink. I don't really know what a clinical diagnosis (if it even goes that route) will do at this point except give me a better understanding of myself so I can get a better handle on some things. I don't really know what else to say, it's just nice to vomit all that out. My name is Chris and that's my story, and it's nice not to feel alone anymore.

You'll find Wrong Planet is a nice online community. Well I do of course It's nice to meet you Chris

I kind of know what you are feeling. I just discovered about Asperger's a couple of weeks ago and realized that there was a name for what I've felt all these years. It was a great sense of relief to discover that I wasn't some sort of defective lone wolf that hates to run in packs, but another sort of animal altogether. I took several different tests and all of them indicated that I have AS. At this point in my life, I have rather successfully coped, but I find myself facinated by the topic and I have been trying to read everything I can. My wife says I've become fixated on it and I suppose that is true, but it is such an aha moment to discover that the way I feel is shared by many others. Maybe it is just me but I feel that Asperger's is a difference in brain functioning rather than a disorder. BTW, my name is Steve. People have just called me skywalker since the"70's because I was always kind of "out there."

Salutations, Chris. I hope you enjoy WrongPlanet as much as we do.

Hi Chris, Welcome to the site.

Welcome, Chris! I no longer feel alone in this either after joining this site!

I resemble that story... Especially the part about interests and research. Anyway, welcome! I'm new here too.

So I finally had my bi-monthly Dr. appt. I presented him with my report (Of course I made a report That's partly an Aspie thing I suppose, but also because I can't keep track of everything I want to say in my head, which has been the problem for so many years.) His response is that without professional testing (which he considers pointless at my age - 40) but taking into consideration the things he knows about me plus the info I presented him in the report, he would agree with AS. Also, right after my Dr. appt I spoke with a lifelong friend whose profession is mental health and addiction counseling and without batting an eyelash his response was "that totally makes sense, you have all the symptoms." So I suppose I have an unofficial professional diagnosis lol.

At this point I waver between sad and relieved. My life keeps flashing before my eyes. So many situations where I was confused, or behaved oddly, or wondered why I wasn't sad about something everyone else was, etc are coming clear to me. I can finally let go of all these things that were wasting space in my brain and sucking up all my energy. I haven't laughed like I used to laugh in years, until this week. I feel such a freedom and relief from knowing this about myself.

The only negative I can come up with for all this is that I kind of have this feeling of "what now"? I was so consumed with trying to figure out what was wrong with me for so many years that having the answer leaves a hole. Kind of like my life's purpose was taken away, if that makes any sense. I suppose I could just enjoy the hole, it's nice to have an empty hole instead of one filled with garbage lol. I can use that brainpower in different/positive areas. Or I could sleep for a few days....lol. Thinking about all this the past few weeks has left me exhausted.

So I am curious to know if any of you had the same "what now" feeling and/or what you did with your new found knowledge about yourself?? Therapy?? Reading?? Any comments or suggestions would be awesome. Thanks for taking the time to read this

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