I believe that I most likely have Asperger's.

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This might come off as melodramatic.
I also haven't done much lurking, so my tone might be a little off-kilter.

I intended this to be longer, but my focus is failing me.

I recently discovered the details of AS. What it is, the symptoms, etc.
I honestly believe that it is highly likely that I have it, and cannot seem to stop thinking about the concept.

( To clarify, because apparently it is necessary, I have never before claimed or truly questioned whether or not I have random disease I've read about. I have never WANTED to do such a thing.
I am not looking for an "excuse," because, quite frankly, I don't believe having a disease excuses one's actions at all, unless it is extreme.
If I have AS, my case is not "extreme."
Yes, I intend to be medically evaluated about this, as soon as I can afford it. )

I started reading about Asperger's after a conversation with a friend about ASPD. (I'm not equating the two.)
I ended up on a medical forum dedicated to it, and found myself skimming through the other forums.
I found one on Asperger's, which I had a minimal understanding of at the time, and browsed it.
After skimming a few threads about coping, I decided to look up the disease in detail.

As soon as I found a comprehensive list of symptoms, I began to have a panicking feeling, mostly due to feeling like I was reading a description of things that I had always believed were personal quirks of mine.
Coincidentally, my father had pointed quite a few of them out the night prior, during a semi-intoxicated rant.

I thought about it.
I looked more, trying to find something that would, I suppose, exclude me from the idea.
I didn't find anything definitive, and kept looking.
I began to find more and more things that I had previously believed were simply personal quirks of mine.

I spent the next day in a very odd state, suddenly comparing many things that I have done on a day-to-day basis to a vague concept of "am I only doing this because I have a disorder?"

It bothered me severely, and I decided to discuss it with a few close friends, with mixed reactions.
It wasn't helpful.

I took a stupid online quiz, which stated "You are very likely an aspie."

Quite frankly, I'm not sure what to make of the whole thing.

I found this forum last night, and made note of it.
After a terrible, stressful day, here I am.

I made a decision while making my profile here as to what I would say, and decided that I would post a list of quirks that I had always made a mental note of, but had always believed that they were simply personal things. Many of them I didn't notice until they were pointed out, which I will make note of.
Many of them I know to be apparent Asperger's symptoms. Many of them I do not.
I also know that it is a relatively recently-discovered disorder.


The list is very long, because I'm naming everything that I find worth mentioning.
Everything I've ever noticed about myself that is unusual.
I hope at least someone takes the time to read it.

Throwing myself on the table, here it is, in order of what comes to mind:


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IMPORTANT: I have imaginary conversations with people. Sometimes with people I know and have met, sometimes with random strangers whose personalities I have invented, and sometimes with random authors and musicians I have never met.
I will pace around a room having these imaginary conversation, going in-depth about conversations that I would LIKE to have with these people.
I feel this goes hand-in-hand with my tendency to create fantasies about having supernatural gifts, being in unexplainable situations, and revisiting my distant past with my current knowledge and understanding.
This often goes on for hours.
I have been walked in on only twice while doing this, and outright told both people exactly what I was doing immediately.
They looked at me like I was mentally ill.
One was a family member, and asked if I wanted to go into therapy again.

I have an apparently unusual preoccupation with washing my face. I often feel disgusting, like there are things crawling across my face.
I wash my hands often, unless I am drinking.

I apparently hold my pencil oddly, like a left-handed person. I'm right handed.

I used to have terrible handwriting, and made a point when I was 17 to change it. I designed every letter by rote, and repetitively drew it out until it was embedded in muscle memory. I'm still told that my handwriting is odd, although it's apparently also pretty.

I apparently have a very effeminate demeanor, which has often led to assumptions about my sexuality.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not homosexual, or at least that I am attracted to women.
I cross my legs directly, I have a feminine pose, and I have dramatic hand gestures.

I often punctuate myself with my hands while speaking, particularly when intoxicated or speaking of something I am passionate about.

I have a preoccupation with history. I love it. I have established many reasons for my fascination, and have often described it as "the study of Mankind's refusal to learn from its mistakes."
There are many parts of history I find extremely boring, and comparatively know little on the subject.
I also have gone through many fascinations with specific cultures. Their ideals, their languages, their aesthetic qualities, etc.
In order: Britain, Celts, Revolutionary France, Nazi Germany (of course, Soviet Russia, Babylon (and Mesopotamia as a whole), and, most recently, The Nords.
I have often, during these phases, exaggerated my heritage to meet some of these obsessions.
Since living with my father for the past few months, it has been clarified that I am Scottish, Irish, Portuguese, English, and Norwegian, with an apparent noteworthy smattering of Dutch.
Whether this has helped along my fascinations or is a coincidence, I do not know.

I have a tendency to play with my facial hair. I constantly catch myself stroking/playing with it. I also have a preoccupation with plucking hairs in general.
I find it particularly satisfying when I pluck deep-rooted hair, and bits of skin come with it. Bonus points if it bleeds.
This makes it very difficult for me to grow a goatee, which is the only facial hair I find to be particularly suiting of me.

I've been a chronic nose-picker since I was very young. Yeah, I was "that kid."
I sometimes don't notice I'm doing it, and have been called out on it often.

I was a bed-wetter until the age of 13.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. I have been on every possible medication that I've even heard of to treat it, and eventually ceased taking all medication at the age of 16. I have since forgone any medication except for the occasional sleep-aid, ibuprofen, and aspirin.

I have been diagnosed with severe depression twice. I have contemplated suicide numerous times, and attempted once, albeit stupidly.
I have been Baker-Acted three times for this. I ceased anti-depressants when I was 16 as well.

I am terrified of needles. It's not the pain, it's the concept.
I am similarly terrified of razorblades, although I've forced myself to get over the idea of shaving.
I am also terrified of wasps, which is probably worth mentioning.

I was a pyromaniac from the ages of 14 until 17.

I have had a tendency to sing to myself when I am walking for longer than a few seconds.

I've been told I am extremely paranoid. I don't like people walking behind me.
In restaurants, I sit at a seat where I can see the rest of the room, but not near windows.
I am terrified of flying on airplanes.
I often carry knives with me, and tend to reach into my pockets and hold them whenever someone walks by me.

I do not partake of pornography.
I won't discuss this in detail, because I'm not sure if I can here.

I have been described as "emotionally walled-in." I do not show excitement, except in jest or mocking.
I used to show excitement, until an experience 3 years ago related to a romantic relationship.
It resulted in frequent panic attacks for 2 years, and an apparent absolute change in attitude.

I rarely get angry. I become "irritated," but I do not get downright "furious" except in very extreme situations.
Exceptions: I frequently lose things, which tends to genuinely frustrate me like crazy.
I also have little patience for technology. When it doesn't work, I feel that it is useless, and want to break it.
I'm aware how ridiculous this is.

I tend to tell distressed friends that their problems have often come of their own responsibility, and I do not believe that one can ignore that, no matter how dire the situation.

I don't grasp why people let themselves become upset by things such as "being yelled at." One can easily ignore anything that doesn't present a logical argument.

I do not believe in "soul mates," ghosts, "Ancient Aliens," or magic.
This is apparently unusual for someone who has long hair and wears black often.

I believe in God, in what is apparently a very scientific and Agnostic manner. It's not far from what Einstein had to say on the matter.

I grow the fingernails on my right hand very long, and cut them to points.
I discovered this when reading Dracula, and thought it was brilliant.

I have extreme difficulty operating stoves, using scissors, lifting bulky objects, reorganizing things, and shuffling cards.
It seems to be a psychological lack of immediate understanding how to approach the situation, not a physical one.
I have little problem typing, playing guitar, turning doorknobs, or lighting cigarettes, unless I'm walking at the time.
I've been described as "physically inept."

I tend to stub my toe. On everything. Ever.
I feel like I think myself to be smaller than I am, and don't accommodate for it properly.

I also tend to see myself as much shorter than I actually am.
I'm 6'.
I often see people who are 5' 7" and describe them as "tall."

I am 125 lbs. My BMI is 16.5.
I should probably be dead.
I have a very small appetite, but even when I stuff my face for days on end, I don't gain a pound.
I have no idea how this could be related, but ya never know.

I have a predisposition towards alcoholism, which I tend to toe to line with.
I'll go through dry periods, then binge, then even out, etc.

I hate marijuana. Hate hate hate hate.
I have no legal issues with it, I understand its properties very well.
I find the sensation to be distressing and horrible,
and I find most regular users to be insufferable.

I tend to rub my hands together, which causes the dirt and random junk on my hands to form into long, black strands.
I eat these strands.
Yes, I'm aware it's disgusting.
I'm opening up, here.

I compulsively wear seven rings when I leave the house.
No more or less.
I have forgotten to put them on a few times, and felt like I was losing my mind.

I am extremely attracted to pale skin on women, although my primary concern is with CREATIVE intelligence.

I have been single for 3 years by choice.
It's a very long story, but suffice to say that I will consider dating again when I meet someone that i find sufficiently interesting.

Very relevant right now, I have a seemingly-unregulateable sleeping schedule.
I went through a period of insomnia a couple years ago, and in the past year and a half, have found myself paying for it.
I tend to either stay awake for a day or knock myself out with alcohol in an attempt to regulate it,
but it really only seems to work for a couple days, at best.

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I intended to add much more, but I realized how late it was, and I'm going to try to sleep.

I also realize that it's very very long.
I probably wouldn't read it all, myself.

I hope someone has some worthwhile input.

Your lack of brevity alone makes me suspect Aspergers.

im self diagnosed
its likely you are aspie, because i am certain that I am and you sound just like i did when i discovered i might have it- which was not too long ago.
At least you don't sound delusional. You sound like you've been reading and thinking about it it for hours..as I did when i discovered it.
i too became obsessed after i realized. i even called out of work that day because of the anxiety.

Along with other things you mentioned, I also write like a left-hander but am right handed.
I use my middle finger along with my pointer and have terrible writing. I never met another who wrote like this.

i also feel like elaborating on what you said and telling you i am irritated by anger.
i feel this way because i cant typically express anger in a natural and acceptable way
so anger itself becomes irritating

when you told people that you think you're aspie did you feel like whatever they said was full of s**t?
it may sound narcissistic but that's how i felt.

and do you feel smitten by white lies

Last edited by oddtism on 05 Aug 2011, 5:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome.

Sounds like Schizoid, which precludes AS. There are some AS traits (e.g. love of history). There are some OCD traits (e.g. face washing, wearing 7 rings). The lengthy conversations with people who are not there is not typically seen in AS. The lack of patience with technology is not typically seen in AS.

From Wiki: "Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness and sometimes (sexual) apathy, with a simultaneous rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world."

I read the whole thing. Very well-written, open (assuming you're being honest with yourself about yourself), descriptive of a somewhat odd yet intriguing person who doesn't want to be creepy but maybe comes off that way. Can't comment about any sort of diagnosis (not sure I believe in that stuff) but you seem aware of your habits and motivations, which is an excellent starting point for the rest of your life. None of your eccentricities as you've described them seem particularly damaging to self or others (well, besides suicide attempt and cigarette smoking, but we all have our things, right?). From your description, you seem to be doing alright. How do you FEEL?

good points
heres a good read http://samvak.tripod.com/journal72.html
AS is complex

"when you told people that you think you're aspie did you feel like whatever they said was full of sh**?"

Yes and no.
One close friend of mine attempted to argue that I can't have it because I have friends, which is ridiculous.
He then said I should probably just see a psychologist and find out for sure, and stop worrying about the subject until then.
I wish I had the luxury of "not thinking about it."
Shutting off my mind for short bits is a superpower I'd quite like to have.

Another began a long discussion about how there's nothing wrong with me, I think the way I do because I'm different,
not "because I have a disease."
That it's not that I have no grasp on how to comfort others,
it's because I feel that to comfort childish behaviour is to reinforce it (which I HAVE stated in the past).
I have many such conclusions that I have come to logically about many different behaviours that I can't relate to.
She eventually stopped talking about it.

Edit: One recently responded on the subject, saying "I believe you'll experience any symptom if you want to have a disease," and
"I think you're looking for an answer that puts events that you're not satisfied with out of your hands."
They were the last person I expected to come out with the "free ride" accusation.

"and do you feel smitten by white lies."

I'm not positive that I know what you mean by this.
I greatly dislike flattery, and being lied to, in any way, is something that I greatly dislike.
Truth, no matter how ugly or inconvenient, is something I find of the utmost importance.


"Welcome."
Thanks.


"Sounds like Schizoid, which precludes AS. There are some AS traits (e.g. love of history). There are some OCD traits (e.g. face washing, wearing 7 rings). The lengthy conversations with people who are not there is not typically seen in AS. The lack of patience with technology is not typically seen in AS. "

I won't exclude the idea that it might be Schizoid, but based on the criteria you gave, I doubt it.
While I have many ineptitudes worth mentioning, particularly with social interaction, I also have plenty of acquaintances with whom I get along with very well,
and a small group of close-knit friends.
They are very important to me, and I greatly enjoy spending time with them.
I'm not very reclusive, although I often recharge in solitude after long periods of social interaction.

I'm not particularly secretive about things at all, I find keeping secrets an unnecessary stress,
and I'm certainly not sexually apathetic, although I do seem to put less interest on the subject than the average person does.

"From your description, you seem to be doing alright. How do you FEEL?"

Last night I seemed to have overthought on the subject, and began to panic again.
As alluded to above, I began to second-guess many of the things that I previously thought were simply parts of me, things that I made of myself, accidentally or intentionally.
I could go on a long, self-pitying rant about how I feel about it, but I feel it'd be a waste of time.
I certainly wouldn't go into a thread simply to read someone's emotional tantrums.

I've always disliked flattery and euphemisms.
I think we're in the same boat here
I am positive i am aspie
but i really want to hear someone else confirm it
so that i can confirm i'm not delusional or in any illusionary state of delusion
this is whar inception must feel like

great now i sound like a schizoid

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

I think I'd trust the DSM-IV-TR a little more than I trust Wikipedia. Also of note is that it has been proposed that SPD be removed from the DSM entirely.

That said, I don't think you should discount his "imaginary conversations" as schizioid because (and perhaps this is selfish of me) I also have them. In fact, I will have the same "conversation" with a person six, seven, eight (etc) times and change small variables, such as the other person's mood, where we are, what led to the conversation, a response to one question, and so on. And I have used imaginary conversations as "test runs" for social interactions since I was about ten, as I find them to be a useful tool in studying how people react when I say things. That, paired with subsequently following up the imaginary conversations with a real one of the same topic and with the same person, allowed me to hone my social skills in a safe environment (my head), with no risk of losing friends or upsetting anyone.

Then again, I have the entire conversation in my head, and if I am reading VoltairyanMystopia's post correctly, he has them out loud? But I don't see how that would make him any more schizoid than I am.

"That said, I don't think you should discount his "imaginary conversations" as schizioid"

I wouldn't either, if only because they're not exclusive, and they are usually with people who actually exist.

It's very much as you described, often a form of practice for a conversation that I'd like to have, to help myself be prepared to actually have it.
I do tend to have them aloud, though, particularly if I'm not paying attention to my surroundings.