Hi, I was wondering whether this might offer a satisfactory explanation of what's going on in my life... I need to ask you guys for a favour, to look through the following text blocks and maybe offer your opinion on whether I might have Asperger's or not. I realise it is relatively selfish to expect help so early on before getting to know you guys, but I'd like to find out first whether this forum is even the place where I can find someone with experiences in common with me before I spend more time here...
Basic introduction
I'm 22 now, from Singapore (not that friendly a place as it used to be).
My greatest ability is what I'd probably call "technical plagiarism" - I can copy the knowledge or abilities of most people I come across, decompose those knowledge and skills into their constituent concepts and principles, and combine multiple principles together with to develop new skills and theories. The limits to this ability are that for physical abilities beyond a certain level I cannot execute them even if I know how they're done due to some pretty defective brain-body coordination, and I cannot execute any social ability that requires empathy. Within its limitations I've learnt many things from cooking to computer programming to music composition to weapon handling to everything within a normal academic syllabus - except usually 2-3 years ahead of my age. And many things about people that I know about but can't put into practice.
My greatest weaknesses are bad brain-body coordination (again...) and little or no emotional abilities whatsoever. I suppose you could say there are people I love, that I can occasionally get angry (but it takes a lot to piss me off), and I can get nervous (especially when doing social stuff), but I don't generally associate any emotions with the beliefs I hold, with any achievements I have (like, after getting good results on an exam and seeing people around me both cry or jump for joy respectively, I just take the certificate and walk off without feeling a thing), or with any words I use in normal situations (my mother occasionally says some things I say are hurtful or offensive when I say them on the phone or at home, but I don't really get what she means). Generally though, if I were to plot a graph of my mood against time, it'll generally be a straight line graph most of the time.
Interests
My interests used to be chemistry (and by extension cooking), eating, computer gaming and music. Now computer gaming is no longer an interest, leaving only the other three. While my natural aptitude for theoretical chemistry seems to be very high (can score 90+% for every exam without studying for it), I'm not good at practical tests at all, occasionally spilling the chemicals by accident.
I read mainly non-fiction and Wikipedia stuff, and very little fiction, Terry Goodkind's novels being some of the only exceptions. Nowadays my reading is dropping significantly since I already know most things there are to know about the natural world and various other fields, and whatever is left is beyond my capability to understand.
My language abilities in English are extremely high, but I have problems with Mandarin. I'm learning Japanese now, with little difficulty. According to my mother, I learnt my first language at around the same time as other children, but in childhood I was unusually quiet, even though literate.
My senses started out at extreme sensitivity, but over time most of them have dulled to some extent. My hearing isn't very good volume-wise now, but my pitch sensitivity is still above par. My eyesight is no longer perfect and I have to wear corrective lenses, but I notice some details unusually quickly - chief amongst which are spelling errors. My nose was initially so sensitive it triggered its own medical condition - allergic rhinitis - and the resultant damage to the nose over years of that both reduced my sense of smell to normal levels and also 'cured' the condition for the most part. My skin is still sensitive, and will develop rashes in the presence of dust and haze (especially when Indonesia does their almost-annual forest combustion). My sense of taste is the only one that didn't dull, and it's one of the reasons why I eat so much.
When I was younger I used to have epileptic fits, though it hasn't happened even once for the past 14 years.
I have some kind of weird digestive disorder as well, I seem to have diarrhoea every time I'm sufficiently stressed. A doctor remarked that it might be Irritable Bowel Syndrome once, but there was never an official diagnosis on it.
And sleep wise, I have significant trouble sleeping unless I'm either very tired or sick, and wake up relatively easily. Most annoyingly, once I wake up, I am completely unable to sleep - even if tired - for the next five hours or so, regardless of what I try.
And I'm perfectionistic to the extent that some of my acquaintances describe me as obsessive-compulsive, though I prefer to refer to it as being "careful" or "methodical".
Social history
My early childhood in primary (elementary?) school was spent being bullied around, even up to secondary (high?) school level. Relative to other children I did my homework when I had free time while they played instead, and remaining leisure time was spent mainly on the computer or reading science books from the nearby library, as opposed to being spent with any other kids. Socially I was unable to integrate well, and my first 'friend' was made in secondary 2 (8th grade?), though I only have two close friends at present, both of whom I met 2 years ago during military training.
Academically, I am highly proficient, and topped the cohort on multiple occasions, never dropping below the 90th percentile or so in the past 8 years or so of academic education. Some people tell me they wish they could have my results, and I tell them I wish I could have their normality and their friends.
Socially, I cannot tell the difference between a tease and an insult unless there is an obvious change in tone inflection, and I cannot replicate a tease effectively - I've tried before even with a copied tone inflection pattern, but without fail the test subject victim to my experimentation perceives it as an insult. I can understand and appreciate jokes by most comedians, but when replicating the identical joke material in appropriate situations listeners tell me the jokes are lame - only to laugh at the SAME jokes when someone else tells them at a later date.
My acquaintances tell me I am insensitive, and I am personally aware that I have little to no motivation ability whatsoever, after attempting several times to motivate subordinates during a brief stint of military training to no effect. Also commonly remarked is that my sentence construction is highly complicated, thus making things difficult to understand, even if I intentionally simplify my vocabulary to be more intelligible. Others comment that I seem robotic, and do not seem to possess emotions. I have apparently offended many people with my words on multiple occasions without either intending it or even being aware of it until later (when they complain).
For this cause I generally stay out of leadership positions if possible, though if a situation is falling apart, I will step in and fix the situation if nobody else does so first. Generally when I take the lead on something, the problem to be solved is always solved, but the people involved always end up unhappy with me.
Also, some people observe that I have a tic of putting my hands together when thinking, the number of fingers not crossed approximately correlated to the difficulty of the topic about which I am thinking about. One of my friends (he was my understudy) in the military at the time panicked when we were given an assignment to carry out and I did the tic with none of my fingers crossed, even though I didn't say anything; it was the first time it happened because usually i cross 3. And yes, it was one of the most challenging orders we were ever given.
I've approached girls on more than a few occasions - specifically those who have shown some sign of interest before, but up to now, I have yet to have even the first date yet, a complete anomaly even by my family's standards (which are quite sad relative to all the people outside my family that I know, especially those in the US, who seem to get dates as early as 11-13 years old). Without even a date, my romantic life can be said to be completely nonexistent, and after spending enough time, energy and money in failed attempts at finding a girlfriend I've more or less given up. At least for this country; perhaps things may not be as bad in another. After all, one of the people I worked with in the military was hauled off to the police station before for sexual harassment when he attempted to approach (that's right, just approach - he never even touched her) a stranger he found attractive, and I'm not particularly enthusiastic to suffer the same fate any time soon.
Family characteristics
Family wise, my entire nuclear family with the exception of my mother and my father's side extended family all seem to have deficiencies in empathy or the like; my mother comments that my father's side relatives are highly insensitive and offensive in their choice of language and that while she is able to tolerate us because she loves us, our nuclear family itself is also commonly inconsiderate of her feelings. My brother has a clinically diagnosed anxiety condition, and is emotionally highly volatile (especially in the anger area) and an uncle seems to be permanently institutionalised for a mental condition (not sure what it specifically is) None of us have actually gone for a AS/ASD test before though. All of the children in the family are single; the eldest sister was married for a short span of time before divorcing, the former husband's feedback including a remark that he doesn't feel loved by her at all. The second sister is physically highly attractive and therefore has multiple people interested in her, but she has never had a stable relationship lasting more than a year before and while her friends number in the hundreds or thousands, few if any of them are actually that close - it's more of an acquaintance thing. Other than the second sister, the other three of us have fewer friends than fingers on one hand.
Some of the members in my family are unable to stop talking or thinking about a topic once they start, and if I offer my input they occasionally cut in to express a continuation of their previous train of thought as if I never spoke at all.
Senses wise, my brother has inhumanly good hearing; if my mother whispers to me in one room behind closed doors at a level below which I can hear, he can occasionally hear it from another room. Also, in a phone conversation with my only other friend, he also more or less overheard the entire thing from the other side of the house and criticised our subject content after the call was over (even though honestly, it's really none of his business). My sister cannot stand the sound of an aluminium foil-plastic container like a bag of chips being torn open, and I formerly couldn't stand the sound of ice skates on ice (though I can no longer hear it now).
Final words
I apologise for reconstructing the Great Wall of China above, but I thought it would be even more unreasonable to expect any opinions on how likely I am to have Asperger's unless I give enough details. As said before, please let me know your impression, and perhaps a qualitative comment as well if you see fit. If this world was perfect, I would go to a psychiatrist and seek an official diagnosis, but our medical histories here are pretty well-documented and if I were to be diagnosed with a mental condition, my chance of getting any employment will drop to nil. Over here in Singapore, Asperger's is generally regarded not as a variance of normalcy nor a trait, but as a disability, and the social stigma on mental illness in particular in this society is very high - not to mention we don't have any laws protecting against discrimination here like almost all other developed countries do (a very sore point for a lot of educated citizens here). Nor much respect for privacy.
So I can't exactly say I'm spoiled for choice as to safe options for finding out more about myself. I hope you can help.
19 Aug 2011, 4:43 am
