I’m fairly new here and I thought it would be good to introduce myself in this forum. The best way to describe me is – I prefer the company of strangers. I think that’s what throws people off about me when they witness my agoraphobia. I’m much more comfortable in a place where no one knows me. I love getting to know people and I’ve always daydreamed of the idea of having lots of close friends and being part of a community. In my mind, people would love me in their community. It almost happens, but I’ve grown accustom to watching the dominos fall in a particular pattern in my social experiences. I see the look of disappointment when people realize I’m a basket case. I show such promise, such potential and then I just fall apart.
I must digress. I don’t have a relationship with my father and I feel like it’s my fault because he wasted so much money on me, sending me to college, supplementing my income. If it makes a difference, and not that it should or shouldn’t, I did not cause my father any financial hardships, nor was his credit ever affected by me. I don’t think that fact weighs into my thought, but I’m a thorough person and I suspect someone out there might wonder. I wish I could pay him back all the money so I wouldn’t have to be reminded that my father put a price tag on my head.
And he should have known, but I don’t fault him for it. But believe me, he’s in a profession that deals with neurological processes and there have always been significant signs. But I’ve always been a fake in his eyes. He would accuse me of being manipulative with my emotions but he was saying this to a 6 year old that was experiencing chronic sleep paralysis and other REM disturbances.
I don’t hate him. I understand that he simply couldn’t understand me. But I’ll probably never get that chance to explain myself because he doesn’t really care to have anything to do with me. Keep in mind that I really didn’t do anything to elicit such a dismissive response from my father. He’s just disappointed in me like everyone else- I show such potential, such unique talent, yet I continue to fall on my face (literally and figuratively), and he seems embarrassed by me.
It hurts physically right now to type these emotions. I’m ok because I understand and I don’t hate my father. I just wish I could connect with one person in my family. They alienated me and they had a family drama going on that I was never a part of because I was just too, well, like me. Weird, I guess.
I feel pressure in my ears and a lump in my throat. I don’t want to cry because I’m prone to migraines and I’ve already hashed out these emotions. After years of silence, I wrote my father the most heartfelt letter, taking responsibility for the lack of communication and extending an olive branch by opening up to him. Two weeks later, I got back an email that was a paragraph. It was like I wasn’t his daughter, but some long lost acquaintance who always made him feel uncomfortable. He basically said he hopes to see me sometime in the future. It’s been 4 months. I guess that’s it. I don’t blame myself but it takes a lot of effort not to. In fact, I fight the urge every day and I still wish I could just pay him back.
So, here I am. I’ve got nothing to lose because I’ve spent my life standing in my time-out corner, ignored, until I get it right. Well, I’m past that now and being ignored gets to me only once in a while. I’ve built up a tolerance, which has limits, of course. But that’s why I’m here. I’m concerned that my way of building up a tolerance is to keep isolating myself more and more. And I’ll regret that.
There’s not a moment in my waking or sleeping life that I’m not constantly reminded or thinking about how odd I am. I like who I am. I just don’t understand….see? I want to say I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me, but I know that I can’t keep doing that. I understand. I understand. I just don’t understand where it’s supposed to stop. There’s no answer, no order, no logic. Therefore, my brain must try to make sense of it because that’s what I do, and I like it. There’s just no off switch, which I don’t understand. There must be a way.
So I prefer the company of strangers because they don’t know me and it’s an opportunity to not feel so weird. It’s a chance to let people be interested in me because what they don’t know is that I don’t stop and I’m fairly preoccupied with certain topics. I can tell when they catch on so I work really hard at staying focused but eventually I burst at the seams.
Alright. I’ll leave it at that. I don’t know if anyone is interested in responding to my diatribe, but that’s cool too. I don’t want to get too worked up over this because I have quite a bit that wants to come bursting out, but I know I need to pace myself.
Cheers!
20 Aug 2011, 1:17 pm
