Hello to all and my story

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Hi everyone, My name is Scott, I'm 24, and I live in Wisconsin along the western shore of Lake Michigan.

Today it's been exactly 31 days since I first discovered that I was an Aspie. With my discovery I've put to an end almost 14 years of questions that I've had since I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD in august of 1990.

Questions like...

-If I have ADD, then why are others who I know have it so readily accepted by others.

-Why is that when ever I would try to engage in conversation, I would often end up making a fool of myself by either, saying something that made me look dumb, or saying something that would anger someone when that's the last thing I ever intened

-Howcome others with ADD could excell at sports when I couldn't even throw overhand until I was 11.

I asked these questions and many others to the shrink I was seeing, he just shrugged them off as nothing serious. He was satisfied with my diagnoses, but I wasn't. I always felt that a piece was missing and I hoped that someday that piece would find it's way to me. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I could be autistic, the images of autisim that I had were the sterotypical ones you would see on TV shows like Dateline or 20/20.

But for me that image was shattered on June 1st of this year.

I was at the local fleet farm waiting in the auto center while I was having four bald tires replaced on my truck. During the 1hr or so it took, I preoccupied myself by reading the local newspaper, when I got to the youth section, one of the headlines on the page was "Local Teens Host Talk About Asperger's Syndrome" on the page was a picture with the subheading "Four Local teens ####, ####, ####, ####, Hosted a talk on their trials and tribulations with Apserger's Syndrome Friday night....... Asperger's Sydrome, a form of autisim............." The subheading didn't go into specifics as to what AS was, but the word autisim caught my attention, I made a mental note to check this out when I got home, and when I started reading up on information and doing some critical thinking into my past, reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

"So THIS is what's wrong with me...." I thought to myself, I was rather skeptical about it at first since I had explored many other possibilites, but as I read more I now realize thay I fit quite nicely into the mold of someone who has AS. I now realize that for a long time I showed many of the warning signs of AS, but no one had picked up on it, I stopped seeing psycologists in 1993, AS wasn't recognized offically until a year later.

Now that I've come to grips with what's going on in my head, I need to start to plan on how I will deal with "Part II" of my life, since in september I plan to move out so I can finish up my college degree.

And believe me, I'll need all the luck I can get.

I'm in mid-Wisconsin and I had the same questions you had all my life, which is a lot longer than yours! Happy to see another Wisconsinite here. Although I have no coordination at all and never played sports, i do love to watch the Packers

and Thank you for posting - I am hoping you can hear me out. It has been suggested that I have my 14 y/o son evaluated for Aspergers- I have no problem w/ an evaluation- the worst that could happen is we have a comprehensive assessment of his skills/strengths, weaknesses, learning styles etc..
To me, he has always been... just the way he is. He is pretty quiet around people he doesn't know until he warms up, then he will talk w/ them but it is usually 'chosen' people- I have a large family. He has known them all his life although not closely, fairly regularly and he picks and chooses there as well- the polite hello in response ( he rarely if ever initiates) When I introduce him to people, he only looks at them when they are not looking- either before or after the hello and intro- he looks around, not in a way that seems odd to me ( I do that too and am 'super friendly- it is a 'safety' thing for me- second skin and know who/what is around- HAD to be that way- love my parents but grew up in chaos and uncertainty of when it was safe to sleep, move breathe... and I am becoming very aware I have many AS traits- I am more 'in your face ' w/ things though, my son is the opposite) Ok, enough digressing there-
Anyway- I think the question I am tryiing to formulate is this....
My son is comfortable with me- when he tells me 'he'll handle it" I leave him alone ( although I do ask- I have tried to respect that w/ him and try to trust that whatever I have taught him prior to whatever is going on will help guide whatever decision he has to make-I'd do that whether he has AS or not- it's his life and I do know that what works for me doesn't work for everyone, I can only give my best, which always isn't great) ANYWAY... the things others tell me they see, I don't. He is SO different with me- I get the things like personal space- walking in the store or other public places, he sticks so closely I have to constantly tell him to give me walking space- I mean that literally- that has somewhat improved- esp. in places where he might see someone from school but in thinking back- up until recently, if we were in the cereal aisle and I told him to go pick out a cereal, he would NOT do it unless I walked the entire aisle w/ him-I'd encourage him to, telling him I would be right there and watch and he'd say "I'm just not comfortable with that" That is his response, to me, w/ a whole lot of things which, as he has gotten older hasresulted in me saying things to him like "Honey, I am your mother, I will always be your mother but I can not go everywhere you go and you need to learn to do this yourself." and years of variations on that theme. He has definitely gotten better- to the point at 13, he would go to the magazine aisle and read 'til I shopped and recently, I can send him to get something in a totally different aisle. I was shocked the first time he did that.
He has never been 'one of the popular' kids. and decided they acted like jerks and didn't want to be one of them anyway - which is OK, even great - a lot of them do have a mean streak - part age and stage, some wikll grow out of it, others never will- and I have always given him pointers etc IE- if they gossip or are mean to others, they are telling you they are gossipy mean people-
he has always had trouble making friends and over the last couple of years has 'embraced' his geekiness - w/ a lot of heartache in there as well. I've told him over the years, he didn't need to be 'popular' and to choose his friends and that they will also change over time and he has shot back that he doesn't care about being poular- just wants a friend or tow ( which he now has although it doesn't involve after school face to face socializing- gaming - no phones - he doesn't like talking on the phone- even w/ me) OK, still digressing- what I see is different than what others see- esp. when I am not around. Apparently, my family ( my bros. & sisters) have had the discussion that he is wakward, doesn't socialize, even with them and when he does, it is stilted. He has this kind of dance routine that he does when he is uncomfortable- kind of a 'fly in your face and flamboyant' thing that SEEMS like a joke- an awkward way to shake off discomfort and a way to get under homophobes skin ( he is very ant 'ism' and has always argued the 'other' side in race, religion, economics, politics etc ( and has always been called a little professor) his interests have always been 1-2 things w/ intense focus at a time- those things I've seen- I have , at different times, seen what my sisters are now telling me is 'how he has always been' and blown it off as 'Just J" or one of those awkward puberty/pre-puberty moments. I see it when I shut up and watch- like at family gatherings- even when his sibs are present w/ thuier spouses and thier kids- 1:1, w/ the right people he is realxed and into whatever is there- add more and he withdrawseye contact is nil, doesn't speak unless spoken to etc. With me and here he talks non-stop when in the room ,like he doesn't get the pre-cursers to conversing- even when I have said to him "I am trying to catch this show- can it wait' Or reading or even sleeping AND, I have told him over and over to pay attention to what I am doing or others are doing before speaking " he can for the next hour or so but it always goes back. My BF, who has lived here for 2 years, has often said " I'm telling you, I've been around enough other kids to know, they don't act like that- I hear you tell him things and he just doesn't seem to get it " ( on the social things- how to mow the lawn etc he gets- but doesn't seem to get where to put dishes where to look for things- I moved the towels and that took awhile "Mom, where I need a towel" "They are in teh closet next to the BR" "OH yeah" "MOM, I NEED a T-oh, yeah" "Mom, I need- oh yeah "Mom, I- oh yeah" "MOm- never mind, I love you" - but that took a couple of weeks and there are many examples of this kind of thing. The BF says ( and he is right) says that he only gets it for that moment- like he can't read what is going on in the room-. As his mom, I do see he is getting angrier at the kids at school and very defensive- This year, he has a 'plan'- it is the same ione he had last year and I saw him deflate as the year went on. Joking w/ him has always been touchy and when he tries, it becomes 'routine', not quite to the point it is a parrot but I can't tell you the number of times I have had to tell him that a joke is onlly funny once unless it is a 'private' or semi-private joke and then it is in a different context- he can't really seem to get that so I have told him to make jokes along whatever line only once and drop it, otherwise he leaves himself open. I have also taught all of my kids that jokes that have a victim are abuse - he definitely has trouble sorting that one for himself and is highly insulted at 'chiding' but doesn't seem to understand when to stop his chiding ( of me as well as others which has evolved into him explaining himself before or after whatever his statement is- which then makes it awkward, less so but still awkward- ) I am only able to give him stuff I have learned over the years after 'blowing' things w/ others and have been told by my office mate that I spend too much time in my head figuring stuff like that out ( we are both in the social work business w/ severly, chronically mentally ill people and to my credit, I have 'gotten' stuff w/ my clients that others haven't- following trains of thought others simply couldn't- I can go WAY out there and when people tell me things, I've always seen it a bit differently- and that said, I've always had a bit of trouble in many of those readings - say something to me and I am immiediately trying to figure out "did you mean this or this or this or something else" and then do an 'exploratory' which diverts the converstaion and I've learned that is frustrating to others so am continuously adjusting that and trying not to start a conversation in the middle- and I have tried to give those keys to my kids in an effort to give them better social skills than I had/have) My older kids have said "Oh, d good Idea- I get that) my youngest doesn't- and his focus is so much more intense on his interests than w/ any of my other kids. So, I am giving you a real mixed bag here, I know that and I apologize- so many light bulbs have gone off in the past week- mine i can sort through and adjust- I;'m in my fifties, my son is 14 and my concerns are with and for him.
I've asked for an evaluation- he almost failed everything but english and history last year and this is a very bright, smart kid, relates very well to those older and younger but not most kids his age- which I've always said "well, the next in line in age is 7 years older" etc, has told me he is 'targeted' 'the other kids jsuy don't like me' and over the past year "I'm different Mom and don't tell me it;s puberty, It's NOT" Now, I've heard all of that from my older kids and based on that had said (more than once) "You'll grwo out of that,- your body, your chemistry etc are changing and it DOES feel wierd and different- you'll get used to it when it all settels down and you have had some time to get used to the changes" I DO know what that feels like, and have told him that at different times throughout his life, he will experience similair things, so get used to change as well. I know part of my ineptness, which in turn has also worked as a strength, was the way I grew up. Never knew when home was safe, school wasn't safe either- for different reasons- was a repeat runaway by the time I was 10, could panhandle w/ the best of them and am VERY lucky I wasn't put to work for some pimp or picked up by a pedophile- the world was safer than home or school and I learned to be bold in short interactions ( still have trouble w/ ongoing ones for fear of hurting someone, although that too is getting better- I just don't trust someone after I catch deliberate meanness or malicousness- do it once, you are done and sometimes, out of neccssity of my work and where I work, I attempt to build a bridge but NEVER EVER trust you or your agenda again) I sit on a committtee where some pretty mean things have been done to me and when I caught on, basically said (F*** you, I'm not leaving and I'm not leaving b/c I need to know that at least something has been said" and I am usually the one to say what ios tip-toed around or, often, not seen by others ( and THEN tip-toed around but at least [b][u]I[/i][i]I know it's been said and can 'get' from there that yup, it's been said and you aren't going to do anything but at least it's been voiced- so I know you know" and I continue to sit, stubbornly sit, often at great discomfort to me but I'm not leaving and it ( whatever) doesn't have to be discussed again, move on). My son has that same sense of right/wrong about injustices and has the idea athere are grey areas in our discussions about grey areas but doesn't really get that concept- I figured it was developemental and he'd grow into 'getting it' when he has had more life experience. His dialogues w.people??? Hmm, tough call- in so many ways, his understandings of certain subject matters ( history, politics, games ) is way above most peoples understandings- he has had soem wonderful teachers, luckily, and a couple of times, they have had thier facts skewed- he is finally to a point that he doesn;'t point it out - neither privately nor publicly as both have cost him grades and/or detentions and long drawn out discussions w/ me on when to let things like that go- is the price worth it kinds of things and that has taken years to get across - that it is OK to know he is right and allow someone else to be wrong - let them learn it for themselves- "But it's WRONG mom" ( and he IS usually right) "OK, but will it really matter, to you, in a year from now?" Will it show up on a state test", and if so, unfortunatley, it's one qusetion that they were taught wrong but do you really want to leave yourself open to all the stuff that has gone along w/ them being wrong and you being right over ONE question- you know the answer, answer it your way" "But thats not fair to the other kids- even the ones I don't like" "I know honey, but that is a lesson they have to learn too- that even the teacher can be wrong and it doesn't make them a bad person, just wrong sometimes") On and on and w/ many situations- I can SEE and hear that he has had some real difficulties, have tried to help him as best as I can and again, trying not to digress- what others see and what I see are sometimes convergent BUT HE IS SO TOTALLY DIFFERENT w./ me- I vowed and I mean VOWED, when I was a kid that my kids would never grow up the way I did and they haven't- home IS safe- ( at least here and now that his dad is remarried to a nice woman who pays attention to him, there seems pretty safe too, although I have had to intervene and open a few discussions- thats to be expected- they teased him relenetlessly until the past year and I went more than once and said look, he has told me the following has repeatedly occurred, this is what he has tried to do to stop it- including telling you point blank and now, I am telling you, it is having a real negative impact so stop or he just won't be over here" He hated her when she first came and having been in the step mom position myself, I kept telling him to give her a chance and that she would make mistakes- he now likes her better than his dad ( his dad still doesn't get things- college instructor in social work who really DOESN'T get things and is quite exploitive but my son does l;ove him and chases after his approval- which, BTW, never came for any of the other kids- and they are great kids -way too long to get into any more than that) my son now has a good relationship w/ her, fair to middlin w/ his dad and I trust they will work it out from here- those things wioll be what they will be ( he used to ask- why does my dad lie Mom? and the man dioes, all teh time- he is the great hero and saviour and lord help you if you question that- been there done that- my responses to him always went along the lines of "I don't know, honey, but you can know that and still love him' There have been some real negative impacts w/ that- his dad sets him up to meet his own agenda- saw that w/ the other kids too and would call him on those things- he'd only stop in front of me- his dad, I mean) All that said, I really am trying to keep this brief and to the point- as an AS yourself, when you feel 'safe' comfortable whatever- do the things that other people see ( my son has these little dances or sometimes 'trendy' noises he makes - kinda like "Stuie" on family guy w/ the "Mom, mom, mum, mum, mummy..." thing that he does- I am 'used' to those things, he doesn not do them often to me but I've heard from orthers ( like at family parties he will get on his tiptoes, put his hands up in front of his face like a he's imitating a rabbit and tiptoes across the room- stuff like that that at 12, 13, 14 is a bit off the mark for a boy his age to be doing- when I have seen those things, I have said to him find something else, that will make you a target and sometimems he does- and sometimes, I guess a lot more often that I realized, according to my BF, he takes those things to his room. The BF has said "You tell him things and it seems like he just doesn't get it- you have to tell him each time-IE- watching TV- he talks incessently during programs- and it doesn't seem like he can contain it even when it is pointed out - he HAS to say whatever he has to say. Sleeping, same thing- he'll wake me up to tell me something, me reading, same thing and my BF says it is worse w/ others., worse when I am not around ( and at best, he SOMETIMES gets it when I stop him when I see it starting and other times, he still doesn't get it- I've seen the hurt on his face when others have , esp. his dad, when he is point blank yelled at "Can't you see...." The BF saysd that in fairness to m my son, he (BF) doesn't thnink he CAN see it. Ther was an incident between my son and BF regarding an ongoing behavior w/ my son. My son doesn't do it ion front of me, I told him to stop, it really annoyed me and I couldn't hear anything he was trying to tell me when he did that... so, he stopped doing it in front of me. That all came to a head- won't get into that- U I can see where it MAY be just an annoying thing to do to BF, can see where if my son tells his dad my BF hates this or that, his dad would say "Boy, what graet fun and you are standing up for yourself- good job keep it up" ( and his dad truly does that- has set numerous people up to split and divide- his current wife thinks the older kids have nothing to do with him b/c of her and the age difference- I know thati s not true b/c I 1) know the man 2) know he does not WANT the older kids to talk w/ her so she doesn't find out what really went on ( and there is some serious shit- he hid it well and has all the accoutraments but none of the insight- he steals stories from others to make himself look good and doesn't have a clue when people catch on- call him on it and you suffer great emotional./verbal abuse - was physical for the kids uuntil I came- the day after we got married- he grabbed my step daughters hair and slammed her into a window frame- SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK - up to that point, didn't think he had any of that in him- I told him I'd better NEVER F*** see that again" and I didn't see it again, only years after teh divorce did I get the full stories... so lots of long winded stories there too and I am tryingg to get to the point and tthe question- as an AS yourself, were you able to 'control' when comfortable and not when you weren't? I DO get what my BF is saying - when my son is uncomfortable he does revert to some of that- have to tell him to shke hands, look at new people in the face and say hello etc ( that's been life long) Some of the social stuff he can carry to the 'next time' lot's of it he can't ( and I do know it's not won't,) Does any of this sound familiar??????????