Awaiting Assessment

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Hello, everyone. My apologies for the very lengthy post to follow. If it's more than you want to slog through, I'll understand. I'm the long-winded sort, I guess. Sometimes I manage to be concise, but I thought this might be a good post for letting things out, given what I want to say. I hope that's all right.

Next week, I'll be having the first of three or four appointments to determine if I have Asperger's. I searched all summer to find a place that would both take Medicaid and assess an adult without making me decide to accept whatever they defined as "treatment" in advance of getting assessed. This turned out to be a taller order than I'd anticipated, especially given that I wanted to see a psychologist or social worker instead of a psychiatrist. The difference is that psychiatrists are all about medicating people, but psychologists aren't allowed to prescribe drugs. I've had quite the argument over the years with various doctors wanting me to take medications for fibromyalgia, even though the doctor who originally tried that with me finally gave up on that idea because each one we tried was worse in its side-effects than the last, while giving me no relief at all. Drugs are not the answer to everything, as that first doctor knew, but it's only been recently that I've felt more confident that I've found a doctor like that again. So may of them think you "don't want to get better" if you don't agree with what they think ought to work. So, while I'm glad if someone feels medication has been helpful for whatever they're dealing with, I don't want to feel like I'm having to resist a drug pusher just to find out if I'm on the autism scale.

Anyway, I've been very nervous about this whole thing as the time has finally drawn close. I've had many concerns: that I'll turn out not to have Asperger's and to just be a strange person who hasn't tried hard enough to do the things I find difficult; that I'll get diagnosed and then be too afraid to tell the people around me, so that the subject is awkward for me anytime anyone brings it up to talk about others who have it or the issue in general; that I'll tell people I've been friends with and trusted and they'll respond by 1) not wanting to know that about me, 2) letting me know they hope I won't try to use it as an "excuse" for getting away with anything I know better than to do or to claim that it makes everything I do okay, or 3) saying they always knew I was "a little bit special" (something I already got called right to my face some time ago) and now they know why.

The truth is that I probably have nothing to fear from people who are really my friends. There's a somewhat new guy who's very open about his Asperger's in my social circle, and he seems to have been accepted immediately. It's just that now I'm remembering some of the more ugly experiences from my childhood through my early twenties that I haven't thought of in a long time. Besides, all these people have known me for years without knowing this, because I didn't know it myself, and so it might represent a substantial change to them. Already, one friend I talked to about it earlier this summer disbelieved me because she'd worked with an autistic client in a residential facility before, and I don't have symptoms obvious enough to her. She even warned me to be careful not to use the wrong terminology in discussing autism, telling me autistics don't like the term "high functioning". So, then I was worried I'd offended a whole community of people I hadn't gotten to know yet and that I might not even belong with. This is turning out to be very different from coming out as gay!

Even amongst misfits, I've always felt like I'm still a misfit. But when I came to Wrong Planet, I found I didn't feel that way. I can't describe how I felt the first time I watched Autism TV and saw everybody wave at the end of the episode. I know that wave!! ! I've done that wave!! ! Do you know what I mean? This is very emotional for me. I'm 43, and I've waited a long time for this. While others might think it strange that I'd actually want to have something "wrong with me", that's not how this feels to me at all. I started off just wanting answers - an explanation for things that weren't explained by anything else. But now I realize there can be more. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high or to develop unreasonable expectations for what this will be like, but I've begun to think more than ever that it will be hard for me if I'm not diagnosed with Asperger's.

My girlfriend of the past 11 years says I'll still be the same person to her, whether I'm diagnosed or not. She cares about me, though, so I think she worries how I'll feel if I'm open about it and get a bad reaction. I can't "un-tell" people once I've done it, and word might spread quickly in my crowd. Also, she's shy, and I don't know if she's worried what people might say to her or near her once they know. There may be nothing to worry about at all, but I understand her anxiety, sharing in it myself.

So, that's my current situation in one really large nut shell. Must've been cultivated with "Miracle Grow". LOL! In any case, whatever happens, I'm still glad I've found Wrong Planet. I think it's been very good for me. Some of the stuff I've seen and read here has given me courage, other stuff has been of comfort to me. I've e-mailed a link to this site to my sister, whose insight and knowledge led me to undertake this journey in the first place. I know I have her full support, and I couldn't have asked for better!

I'll let you all know how things turn out...

To WrongPlanet!! !

Thanks!