My new room mate is on the "wrong planet"...HELP P

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ShannonRae
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02 Nov 2011, 8:50 am

Okay...i posted the "subject" to get attention and possibly and prayerfully some help!!
I recently allowed a companion I knew from work to move in with me to help with finances....always "knowing" he was "different".
(And i DO know "different" because I have Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder) :0)
I always quickly thought in my heart he is autistic in some way...shape or form. I told a friend at work....i can have a 30 minute conversation with him and turn around 30 seconds later and not be able to repeat a WORD he said!! ! BUT...it seems as though my "logical" side cannot understand him....but SOMEHOW i DO understand him....almost like my "spirit" or my heart kinda understands what he's sayin'.
I want to go back to college and major in Psychology so i've recently done some research on autism and signs and symptoms and so forth....and I really believe in my heart he has Asperger's, if not some form of "high functioning" autism.
He has many many of the signs and symptoms....he IS a VERY intelligent man (i can truly tell this no matter what he "babbles" about)...he really really loooves talking about God and Jesus and building a commune and having people "work" for him....he told me yesterday he wanted to put his "people" in a "pie and eat them".....i just nodded in "understanding".
The night before (which is why i labeled my subject as such) he was in the shower....SCREAMING and hitting the walls....(i told a friend he "pulled a Norman Bates" on me!!) He was fussing at himself...in a different voice....and then he fussed back...in HIS voice! Then he started hitting the walls of the shower.....and then he would calm down....THEN he started screaming MY name over and over and over and over again.....repeating it and screaming afterwards...."it's a LIE!! it's a LIE!!". (funny thing is...i (being "mental" as well) was in a deep deep depression....and even though i felt scared for my LIFE as he was doing this....i UNDERSTOOD!! ! The next morning i woke up as if i were alive again!! He also came out of the shower...completely "calm" and patted my shoulder and told me goodnight.
Soooooooooo...i guess my question is.....HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS MAN??? ~lol~
I care for him...i truly do....as a Christian and a child of God, i want to "help" him....understand him.....and because i've allowed him to move in and he has nowhere else to go.....it looks like i'm "stuck" with him....~loL~
I also hafta mention....when ANYONE "questions" how he is acting....he gets this "crazed" look in his eyes....which makes me afraid to approach this subject with him because i really don't think he's ever been "diagnosed" or seen a doctor or therapist or anyone for that matter about this! Unfortunately, i think his family just "tossed him to the side".
Can someone.....anyone, please give me some advice???

P.S....the reason i came to "WrongPlanet" was because only a few days ago, i was telling my friend that he "doesn't belong here"....he seems to "be on the wrong planet"! ! ~loL~



thedaywalker
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02 Nov 2011, 12:21 pm

well i would try and give you advice but i don't know what results you want.



ShannonRae
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02 Nov 2011, 7:20 pm

thedaywalker wrote:
well i would try and give you advice but i don't know what results you want.


~loL~ Well...i'm sure you can tell from my post that i'm very confused right now. The "Norman Bates" switch kinda scared the hell out of me....the first thing i would ask would be...am i safe?? I've never met an autistic person....never been around one....much less lived with one!
I don't know what "results" i want...i just need to understand him...i need to know if there's anything more i can do to help him.
If he hasn't been diagnosed and "refuses" to see or understand that he is autistic...should i bring it up? Should i question him about it? Should i question him about his "ways" and the things he says and does? That crazed look he gets in his eyes kinda scares me as well.
The way he sits and STARES at me for oftentimes about ten or fifteen minutes freaks me out too....should i address this?
I'm simply at a loss as to how to live "comfortably" with him.



shilohmm
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03 Nov 2011, 10:37 am

ShannonRae wrote:
.the first thing i would ask would be...am i safe?? I've never met an autistic person....never been around one....much less lived with one!


Autism doesn't make a person dangerous, but people with autism can have other issues that could make them dangerous. A trained psychiatrist couldn't tell you if the guy is dangerous over the Internet, and none of us can, either.

Personally, I would avoid questioning him with anything like, "Why do you do that?" or "Do you think you might be autistic?" Instead, I would use "I statements" like "It makes me uncomfortable when people stare in my direction a long time" or otherwise make the issue about your comfort rather than about him doing "the right thing." If he's touchy about being challenged, approach his boundaries with caution, but I would step it up to, "I am uncomfortable when you stare in my direction a long time" if necessary. That's still an "I statement" to me, because you're making it about your issues rather than saying he's doing something objectively wrong. His response to that will tell you a lot about how safe he is, I'm guessing. If he gets really angry with you and continues staring, bad sign. If he continues staring, not such a clear bad sign but not a great sign, either.

Most autistic people are perfectly willing to do things that make it easier to get along with others, but they face two challenges. First, they don't know what makes other people feel comfortable. And second, some things are unusually difficult for them -- speaking takes more effort, or the usual social graces are not natural so they generally forget them, or whatever. If you've seen the movie "Temple Grandin," there's a scene where someone gives her some antiperspirant and tells her flatly, "Use this. You stink." And she says, "Thank you," rather than getting upset, because for once someone's telling her straight out what they need her to do instead of sending her "you're out of line" signals without explaining how to fix the situation. Not all autistic people can handle receiving that kind of bluntness, but many of them do appreciate things being very clearly laid out, so they know the other person's preferences and boundaries.

So I would be as upfront as you can about what you expect of your room mate and what the relationship is and things -- and by "upfront" I mean state it flat out in words. "This is what I think room mates should do in this situation. What do you think?" kind of stuff. If he thinks something about the situation or your relationship is a lie, then getting things out in the open could help. And it would, again, give you some information on whether he's willing to consider your preferences or if he's got another agenda going. He's self-aware enough to confine his meltdowns to "private space," which could mean he is trying to be polite or could mean he's trying to hide something. Polite=good, hiding things maybe not so good, depending on why he's hiding them.

I have known people with Aspergers who have some kind of multiple personality thing going, where they'd talk to each other that way, but I'm pretty sure that's more about the fact that they had been traumatized as kids than about the Apsergers. A lot of women with Aspergers have been sexually abused; a lot of guys with Aspergers subject to severe and/or sustained bullying, both of which can traumatize you and lead to dissociation (which in its extreme form is a multiple personality disorder, but can also just be two parts of a personality talking to each other without that complete split). That could in part explain the "Norman Bates" moment.



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03 Nov 2011, 3:20 pm

Image
To WrongPlanet!! !Image


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ShannonRae
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03 Nov 2011, 10:29 pm

shilohmm wrote:
ShannonRae wrote:
.the first thing i would ask would be...am i safe?? I've never met an autistic person....never been around one....much less lived with one!


Autism doesn't make a person dangerous, but people with autism can have other issues that could make them dangerous. A trained psychiatrist couldn't tell you if the guy is dangerous over the Internet, and none of us can, either.

Personally, I would avoid questioning him with anything like, "Why do you do that?" or "Do you think you might be autistic?" Instead, I would use "I statements" like "It makes me uncomfortable when people stare in my direction a long time" or otherwise make the issue about your comfort rather than about him doing "the right thing." If he's touchy about being challenged, approach his boundaries with caution, but I would step it up to, "I am uncomfortable when you stare in my direction a long time" if necessary. That's still an "I statement" to me, because you're making it about your issues rather than saying he's doing something objectively wrong. His response to that will tell you a lot about how safe he is, I'm guessing. If he gets really angry with you and continues staring, bad sign. If he continues staring, not such a clear bad sign but not a great sign, either.

Most autistic people are perfectly willing to do things that make it easier to get along with others, but they face two challenges. First, they don't know what makes other people feel comfortable. And second, some things are unusually difficult for them -- speaking takes more effort, or the usual social graces are not natural so they generally forget them, or whatever. If you've seen the movie "Temple Grandin," there's a scene where someone gives her some antiperspirant and tells her flatly, "Use this. You stink." And she says, "Thank you," rather than getting upset, because for once someone's telling her straight out what they need her to do instead of sending her "you're out of line" signals without explaining how to fix the situation. Not all autistic people can handle receiving that kind of bluntness, but many of them do appreciate things being very clearly laid out, so they know the other person's preferences and boundaries.

So I would be as upfront as you can about what you expect of your room mate and what the relationship is and things -- and by "upfront" I mean state it flat out in words. "This is what I think room mates should do in this situation. What do you think?" kind of stuff. If he thinks something about the situation or your relationship is a lie, then getting things out in the open could help. And it would, again, give you some information on whether he's willing to consider your preferences or if he's got another agenda going. He's self-aware enough to confine his meltdowns to "private space," which could mean he is trying to be polite or could mean he's trying to hide something. Polite=good, hiding things maybe not so good, depending on why he's hiding them.

I have known people with Aspergers who have some kind of multiple personality thing going, where they'd talk to each other that way, but I'm pretty sure that's more about the fact that they had been traumatized as kids than about the Apsergers. A lot of women with Aspergers have been sexually abused; a lot of guys with Aspergers subject to severe and/or sustained bullying, both of which can traumatize you and lead to dissociation (which in its extreme form is a multiple personality disorder, but can also just be two parts of a personality talking to each other without that complete split). That could in part explain the "Norman Bates" moment.



~soft smiles~ you have no idea how much i appreciate this!! thank you so much! you've truly helped a good deal....:0) I never thought of using what you call the "I statements"....it makes sense....because when my foolish ass just blurts out...."why do you?? why are you?? etc." that's when he get this crazed look in his eyes and makes me very very uncomfortable! I'll definately give it a try....~soft smiles~ And thank you again....SO much!!



ShannonRae
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03 Nov 2011, 10:31 pm

~laughs and waves~
Thank you!!



shrox
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03 Nov 2011, 10:44 pm

Many of us can start fires with our minds though...



MakaylaTheAspie
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03 Nov 2011, 11:12 pm

shrox wrote:
Many of us can start fires with our minds though...


Oh, I thought that was just something I did. :P


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ShannonRae
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04 Nov 2011, 8:57 am

shrox wrote:
Many of us can start fires with our minds though...


~roflmao~ DON'T freak me out even more!! ;0)