feeling hopeless, need others opinons if i have AS/HFA!

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First of all Hi,
My names Carla, I'm 19yr female.

this could be a long post but im not sure as yet.

okay ill start with my familys history.
my brother has been diagnosed with autism. i now believehe has aspergers. my grandfather on my mothers side wasnt diagnosed but when i have looked back it i believe he must be on the spectrum too, as he had no way of showing his emotions, had no friends, was sensitive to food, couldnt talk to anyone really. my grandmother on my mothers side, all i know about her was that she supposedly had BPD and left my grandfather to go to a mental hospital because she couldnt cope with life. i never knew my dad and his family, but i know that my grandmother had supposed schizophrenia and my dad had supposed schizophrenia, he was very violent, and beat my mother up for 4 years and almost killed her 3 times, she had to beg to stay alive and talk her way out of death. he dealt with drugs in every way possible was very antisocial( breaks entering, robbery, weapons, abuse). she got out when he went to jail, i was only 1 yrs old and my brother 3. my aunty (dads sister) had no friends really, never had a partner basically, no children, and all she did was work. only met her once. my mother was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, i dont believe that is so, because me and my mother are so similar.

In the last 2 years i have come to realize that i believe i do have not specifically aspergers but possibly high functioning autism. my brother had autism but i never actually really knew what it was about. my mum said she did, but she never readed anything about it, she basically treated him like he was normal (now he is the most rudest obnoxious disrespectful person i know) and said do what you want and dont care what anyone thinks about you. i was working with a lady who is a carer of 2 step daughters with high functioning and a son with aspergers, as i gradually grew comfortable with her i let my self out more, i was very immature always excited would take everything literally and got hurt when ever she raised her voice or got criticized easily, and she would always tell me about the silly things her step kids do ( they are my age) and i would always respong with " yea but i do it, and you know im sure alot of people do" and then explain why i agreed, and she eventually told me that she believes i should look up about it and that i had it and that i was exactly like her 2 step daughters basically. and to be honest, she made me feel so comfortable i have never met another person that made me feel so comfortable to be myself, all i get is your immature and childish or why dont you ever talk or look me in the eye, or why cant you sit still whats wrong with you.
and thats when i looked it up. the more i read the more memorys(picture/video) came back, and i could relate to it all, it explained why my life had felt so s**t, and that i was always a victim, i have read nearley every article on the internet to related disorders to each specific symptoms, and it just doesnt stop of to relating to it. as im undiagnosed though, the thoughts circle in my head, what if theres nothing wrong with me and its all in my head.
i have also done online tests about 5 times, and each time rating high. the last time on the rdos test i scored 168 Aspie score, 36 NT score.

i am going to list out as much as i can from the criteria.

i have sensory problems, i have very low sense of smell, amazing sense of hearing, things that effect me are, crowds, loud music, car brakes, telephones,anything next to my ears, and such. but i can also hear things others cannot. sensitive to temperature, always cold and wearing a jumper ( live in the tropics) dont sweat too much, it all seems to only go to my hands and feet. eyesight is great always seem to notice mistakes and things different(most of the time anyhow) that others cannot. dont like light tough, its makes me very itchy gives me goose bumps and send shivers up my spine, its horrible, i like firmer touch though. i have sensitive taste, everything needs to be in slices when cooking, or anythin all together for that matter, i do not like chunky food, i like thin food, and i umm tend to eat the same thin constantly for like 6 months then not like it for along time, then something else is my favourite and the same thing happens and so on, i hate it but cant control it( my mother couldnt stand it!)i cant drink liquid properly, i take a mouthful, drink half of it, then half of whats left of that, and so on til the mouthful is down. brightness can very much hurt my eyes and flashing strobe lights make me feel like im gona foam up(never actually had a ceiser though.
my imagination was very poor as a child, i had no bloody idea what the hell other children wer doing with cardboards boxes supposedly "going to the moon" or why thin cardboard pieces were your "sword". my idea of playing, was to sit there for hours naming all my toys( i had a LARGE collection :/ ), i had an obsession esspecially with macdonalds toys ( buttflys and flamingos soft toys and animals that were in the happy meals at one stage.) and the only way i would play with them ( the same way every single time) was basically, they were me and the people at my school and i would act it out, as i wanted, like my life *was* great, but really not. and i love hotwheels, not actually driving them but, making the tracks, in dirt outside, it was great, id sit there for hours doing it. when in primary school and playing out side of school with neighbours, i didnt like playing to much with them other then going for walks or watching movies ( of course they had to be ones i liked) disney movies and such ( still love disney now, only disney and comedy i like really, and addiction to family guy, watch 10 episodes of family guy a day, been doing it for like 5 years now. and american dad.

when i was really young my mother said all she could really remember was that i use to sit there and just put belts on my toys until they were full covered and tie them up and stuff. and i was a head banger ( banged my head into my pillow for an hour to get to sleep) til i was 11-12 years of age, i get to sleep now by rocking my feet or legs.

my eye contact is funny, i wont look at people if im anxious, at all ( people i dont really know, out in public, the cashier in a store and such) but in a group of people ( 3-8 ppl) with someone telling a story i will sit there and just stare into there eyes and i have found more so noww how uncomfortable im making ppl feel. and it makes me feel bad myself. i for some reason loved arranging my books in alphabetical order, and ordering things in colour and sizes and all sorts of such types. and im a perfectionist, i have to fold paper exactly in half, and the pens have to be straight and nothing must be move or change ( eg, the way the sticky tape faces and its place on the bench at work) but i hate cleaning because, when i clean, i get so focussed that there has to be no dust and completely perfect otherwise seeing it not frustrates me and the urges to clean it off become stronger. i have my routines, going to and from work, my wake up routine, get up at 7.45 have a smoke and such and look at fb til 8 then get dressed till 8.10, then roll cigarettes for the day til 8.15-8.20 make myself a coffee and have a smoke and brush my hair all at once till 8.30 then brush my teeth and leave at 8.35. if my routine is disturbed i have a meltdown. i have routines for brushing my teeth showering, doing the dishes, cooking meals and other funny things.

the only reason why i dont believe i might have aspergers but rather high functioning autism is because i have alot of problems with language and communication and am not very smart, and cant understand words for each sentence. i have always had difficultys with learning and in grd 9 (Aus) my teacher suggested to the school i get a teacher aid because i couldnt seem to understand things the way any of the teachers explained things in class, i needed things to be explained in a couple of different ways for me to be able to understand.

mkay, over the years i have had ALOT of different habits and repetitive movements, i constantly, have to move for some reason, though its soothing for me, i bounce my legs or leg, shake my feet, sway the chair, rub my hands together, i use to make little "baby crocodile sounds" that everyone commented on but i could never hear, i use to have blinking habits breathing habits where i close my eyes and then tense them and try and take in breathes, i dont know its strange, and hard to explain, but yes. oi have wrist cracking habits (everytime i bend my wrists i can make them crack) playing with my fingernails by peeling the nail on the side and clicking it constantly, croaking sounds, opening my eyes really wide to unstick my eyelashes constantly, my boyfriend atm, who has severe add (yea prob not the best match but weve stuck it to, very much reliant and dependent and loving of each other, well he says ( ived told him to stop cuz he kept laughing and going on about it) that when im talking with people mainly people i know well, my whole entire face goes into a crazy twitch, my eyes go looking everywhere, like the ceiling the floor the door, whilst rolling like every millisecond while im blinking constanlty and my mouth goes to the side and makes funny shapes and my noses flares up and deflares, and he says i look ridiculous.i seem to have to constantly lean on something. ive done it my whole life. i meow like a cat alot ( out of home for a yr and a half and already have 3 cats, i love animals!) and i make little tunes and funny sounds all the time.

in primary school, i had alot of difficulty making friends, i finally made friends with another loner girl who was asian, and then we befriended and younger girl like us that was asian, we hung out near where the special ed kids did in lunch, and sometimes i would even join in playin with them cuz i had so much fun but to not look wierd is why i mainly didnt. then i became very close friend with another asian girl, who is still friends with me now, we are basically like twins wer that similar ( i think she has something too), but even then i was still the outcast, i couldnt ever be left by myself, i was basically scared, i would mimic other peoples way s of communicating and thats how i got by, and also my mimicing animals expressions and the tvs( actually using imitations in real life). whe n i got to high school, i had a very hard time, i ruined my remaining years of school in the first week without realizing that was going to be caused. a boy was cheating of me, and not realizing he was cool, and tryoing to make a connection, i dobbed on him and got bullied by a large group for the remaining years til i dropped out, joey my twin like friend was my only friend there, and everywhere she went i went, and everywhere i wanted to go i needed her there, otherwise it was too big and overwhelming for me.
i have a very hard time when it comes to sharing and taking turns, always have, im very impatient, i dont like this about me, then again i dont like alot of things about me. but then then again every human being has things they dont like about themselves i guess haha : )
i cannot ever seem to talk well or communicate well should i say. i always this problem my wholelife: talk to people then result, they dont really talk to me, and want to know me, its like everyone hates me for no reason.
my speech is from learnt of other people or the tv, or advice (which is my specialty subject, yet i cant take my own bloody advice).
im very literal, i take everything literally, i take everything to heart, any critisms upsets me and offends me, im easily insulted. i have a very hard time understanding jokes, but am great at sarcasm.
i have very bad anxiety, cant go outside the house by myself basically. very bad depression prob not gona make it past 25 years of age if i dont get the help i need. pretty sure i have bipolar as i can be exstaticly happy one minute and then completley angry throwing things at walls breaking the doors, screaming yelling and making the house look like a bomb and hurting myself like smashing my head into the ground. i use to do this sort of stuff and also tearing my hair out and trying to suffocate my self with the blanket, but only in solitude out of site in my room. and pretty sure i have ocd because of my circling bad black thoughts.
i dont knowhow to start a conversation or finish one, let alone i dont even know how to keep one going.
when im excited i tend to jump up and down squieling while clapping my hands (usually shiny objects or things like that that grab my attention).
ummmm i have to admit that i have a hard time accept peoples opinions or views and such, i mean i understand everyone has one but, it just doesnt compute in my brain as my is different and it makes no sense why another thinks what they think, but i know they have different reasons for it.
i have a very immmensly hard time expressing my emotions, and talking about them, i tend to go mute and curl up and cover my face and just think for ages, orrr i have a spaz attack and ruin the house.
i do not go out at all, i can go shopping because it distracts me but i dont like restaurants and going out in town or pubs or going out with like the family and friends, i hate christmas and celebrations, because it because crowded, just what i dont like, and it gets me very anxious and overwhelmed.
i have trouble understanding double meaning.
i have a hard time organizing thats for sure.
im very clumbsy, i constantly run into things, and i have actually rubbed off the new paint on the wall, from coming up the stairs and walking into the corner of the wall, cuz its hard for me to judge, i cant judge speed distance and such very well(difficulty driving, have learners).
i have difficulty with surprises and gifts, and i do not know how to respond when receiving a gift. and i need to plan or be told about future things like going out to dinner and such or i wont go.

when i dropped out of school, and my mother was living with her boyfriend for a year and my brother was in his room every night through that year, i became myself properly, because i had no one to learn off or imitate. and my work mate encouraged my uniqueness.

i always got called shy when i was younger( because i was verrrry shy )
i have a special talent in my singing, never had lessons but have a very good voice, and my primary musical/choir teacher thought i had the best voice in the class, and he new if he pushed me he could get it out properly,,, butt it never happened, i never sing in front of anyone.
pretty sure im dislexic, get words muddled up, have a great memory for codes, i can remember 10,000 codes from my store within a year, without even trying.

im pretty sure i have fybromyalgia but i need to talk to the doctor, it started with 10 months diarhhea, gladly thats now gone, sorta, then i found out about it through my intensive interest of looking up stuff on the internet that sparks my need to know part in the brain and found i relate to the symptoms.
i hate being misunderstood, it frustrates me which comes out as rage.
i am very quit mute.


hmmmm i think i might have rambled on alot.....SORRY! but i hope anyone out there, please, if you could give me your opinion, i have always felt different, and wanted the pain to stop, so if you can give me your own opinion it would be great so i could get some help.

It sounds like you've had a rough life, which was never conducive to you getting help that you need. From the things I read (and read and read) it does sound quite likely that you're somewhere on the spectrum. As far as a distinction between AS and HFA, I don't really think there is one. More like visible light as opposed to infrared.

I wanted to make a note that smell is linked to taste... I have had a poor sense of smell, but that was due to my low-intensity allergic asthma. One more thing to look into.

I'm not exactly sure what you should do, but you seem to be good at research.

Are you in school? Have a job?

Thanks for commenting Apera, very much appreciate taking the time to read my awfully long post, im sorry!

as far as i have read, i cant really make out a difference big enough to make a definate distinction between the pair.
the only other difference i saw was that HFA individuals were more mute where as Aspies talk about there interests alot,
and i am very mute and withdrawn as to why i put myself towards HFA, but im with you, there certainly doesnt appear to be a difference : )

i dont have asthma so dont know about that. but i quite like bland foods and sour foods, could possibly effect it?

im seeing a psychologist at the moment, i thought it could lead to some sort of diagnosis to help me, but it doesnt appear so,
just techniques to stop my anger n calm me down,, which doesnt seem to be working. if i do have AS or HFA i will feel so very gifted. i would just like the help that comes with the diagnosis, such as making friends and not looking rude or ignorent and how to do basic communication with people,

....and of course the anger, which i truly hate as it ends in me crying and shutting down.

i have a great job btw thank you, just in my field, i get to make fake flower arrangements for fun and order stock and crafty stuff in there sizes and such without being looked over, im basically the only worker its great : )

do mind if i ask when you were diagnosed? and how much it helped you? if it did at all?

this website seems to be great, ive looked at it soooo much, as well as other sites, i put all my thanks to the guys who create sites like these, they are so very effective!

any how, i just need some honest opinions so i can get the help i need : ) so all comments made will be so very appreciated.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I do things you mention, like shake my feet or legs to go to sleep. I was also verrrry shy as a child!

Maybe you can use WP as part of your research, and that will help you feel comfortable with the things you do and deal with in your life. It is always nice to know there are others and you are not alone.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Thank you for the welcome richie, and thank you glasstoria for posting.

i stopped the hang banging a little bit before going into high school. because when i did it i didnt know it was not normal, and never had any friends over my house growing up so it didnt effect me. until i had to stay with my cousin, and she complain to my mother and aunty. i over heard them say its unique and different, but all she said was wierd and freaky and strange and rara. so i stopped, so that i didnt do it, incase if i had to sleep over anothers or they stayed over mine, then i wouldnt look out of place and unusual.

but i must admit, that the feet swaying, shaking and rubbing is soooo soothing, it helps so much!

i hadnt realised how big the post was previous to actually posting it, so thanks heaps for your time to read the whole thing : ) .

if anyone diagnosed here has an opinion whether i do or not have AS/HFA please let me know, all help greatly apprciated!!

and if you can relate to my quirks definately feel free to comment!
it will make me feel alot better about them thats for sure, just knowing im not the only one doing them haha