My name is Andrew (I would have said Hi, but I hate that word, and Hello sounds a bit too formal), and I'm 18 years old.
I don't know if I have AS - it's kind of a self-diagnosis. Not even a self-diagnosis - it's more of a suggestion.
I can't be too sure though - I remember when I was 4, I went to play school (pre-school) and I got on OK with people, but when I started primary school, I froze.
I have one friend, although we're not really close or anything, and I don't like being on my own with her, since it's a struggle to keep up a conversation. I can have conversations with my sister - just talking shite mainly. I feel comfortable enough with my mummy too, although for some reason, I can't stand her - everything she does annoys me. I feel a bad saying that, but it's true - maybe I'm a devil child.
I always thought that I was just shy, but that I was sociable - and I don't mind being around a big group of people, especially when I'm drunk, but if I'm sober, I have nothing really to say to people. I don't know how to have conversations. I used to be a wee bit OCD-ish about things, like checking that a door is locked over and over again, or lining up things perfectly. And socks those those seam-thingys really annoyed me. I hate socks with holes in them - they drive me mad.
I tried some AS tests online (I know they're not exactly reliable) with mixed results. I don't really know how to answer the questions. None of the answers are obvious to me. Another thing I do - or used to do for a while - was rub my hands together a lot. Somebody pointed it out, which embarrassed me, so I stopped. My hands felt all dirty and I used to rub them together to get the dirt off. I don't know if they really were dirty, or maybe I was imagining it.
Another thing is songs playing over and over in my head. If I hear a song I like, I sometimes listen to it over and over again - partly to get it out of my system, like chewing the flavour out of chewing gum or something like that.
As for routine, I don't think that's too important to me. Except at school, when there's something unusual happening, like a trip or a workshop or something, it really stresses me out. I don't like things that make the time go any slower.
I love maths and physics (and chemistry), and in my spare time, I like deriving things, or trying out new things - e.g. trying to derive new relationships. That mightn't sound too weird, but I do the same thing over and over again a lot. Just for fun. I wouldn't want anyone finding out about that.
Another strange thing about me is that, when I was 12 or 13, I used to edit websites like Wikipedia or TV dot com. Maybe it's just out of severe boredom. I don't get out much - even though I do like going out. I would have never gone to any of those discos or anything though. But when I am planning on going out somewhere, (which isn't often), I get stressed about money, how I'm going to get there etc. E.g. a few weeks ago, it was out school's formal - I didn't go, but at first, I thought I would. I was thinking about how I'm going to pay for it, how I'm going to get there (everybody organises buses and all, but I don't really have any friends at school, so there was no one to ask about how they were getting), where I'm going to rent a suit, and that I would probably be the only person not taking anyone. I'd also look really stupid in a suit.
Another thing is that I think I might be asexual (although I do have a weird sexual preference thingy, but it's not really conventionally sexual). I like the idea of romance, and maybe the idea of me getting touched is arousing (sorry if that's TMI). It'd be a very one-sided thing for me (conversations that I have are also one-sided, I don't know how to reply to what the other person said). If I was sexual, I wouldn't want my family knowing about girlfriends (or boyfriends) or whatever. I'd always feel like they're laughing at me, but I don't know if I have a good reason to suspect that.
Also, at school, when writing essays, I find it hard to be concise. I do maths, chemistry, physics, and history, so essays do come into history a lot. Although in tests, I panic and write quickly - I think I've done crap, but I end up doing well, so I can be concise when I'm under pressure. I was good at English, English literature, religion etc. if that makes any difference. That might mean that I'm not oblivious to body language and picking up on things. And I don't think I am. It's just with me, it's hard. When talking to someone, I find it hard to pretend to care about what they're saying - I don't know what facial expressions to use, I can't pretend to laugh. As well as that, I'm very reserved, and I get really scared when I have to do something out of my comfort zone - I hated drama at school, but I also hated to be seen as being uncomfortable or nervous, so I try to look like I'm having fun.
Another thing is that I can't really explain things well - people usually tune out when I'm trying to explain something, and pretend they understand.
I think I might not understand my feelings very well either. I might be in a bad mood but not properly understand why. Maybe that's not true - I'm not sure how to realise these things. It's just that when I think about why I feel the way I do, nothing really resonates. I also feel uncomfortable in my skin. I feel yucky and ugly a lot. I'm not usually that happy - I think I'm a bit of an attention seeker too, but I try not to be. E.g., when I'm drunk, I might say something about being depressed, but I'm not really depressed - I'm just being really dramatic.
I am a picky eater as well. I don't eat much vegetables. The past couple of years, I've started eating broccoli though, and I love raw carrots, but hate them cooked. It's the texture that makes me gag. I love fruit though. And when I was younger, I hate water, but I've taught myself to like it now. I'd get scared if I had to eat a type of food that I really didn't like, although I'm too polite not to eat it if it was put in front of me at someone else's house.
I think that's all I have to say, for now anyway. Sorry about that long rant.
I copied that from another Aspergers forum I joined yesterday, but it was a bit of a ghost town, so I might get more of a response here.
Last edited by Staniel on 03 Nov 2011, 10:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
03 Nov 2011, 10:18 am
