Im torn between hiding under my bed and never comming out and facing anyone again and wanting to be 'out there' living and showing the world who I am. I HATE pep talks and people trying to say the same old advice and cliches, I don't know what normal is and I think by now I am 30 I actually don't give a rats anymore what it is anyway.
So I am not diagnosed officially with Aspergers but I relate to most things I hear others with it talk about, I have problems with auditory processing I have trouble putting my thoughts into words, I have to work hard at that. I have a high IQ but I am terrible at math and I get 'brain freezes' I have never got on with most other females I hate small talk, I just don't relate to most people I meet at all. I get very uncomfortable talking about emotions or anything about relationships and mushy stuff, I don't care about most of the things people say to me, I spend most of my time faking interest and smiles so not to offend or look too different.
I also have bi polar disorder which makes things even more interesting and I get 'ticks' nervous twitches I have trained myself to internalise them in front of people but it build up and noone ever sees or hears them I hope... so noone even knows I get those. Have had those since I was a toddler. I used to be so bad as a toddler and young child I would have uncontrollable ticking in my throat and it drove me mad I could not speak through them and couldnt relax or sleep.
I didnt have a job for about 7 years and just got one a few weeks ago and I hate it. It is in a cafe and I have to talk to people, and I have trouble concerntrating I have to think conciously about my body language, expressions, and on the new skills my boss is a perfectionist... learning how to make the food her way while taking the money, remembering the order, writing it down as they say it or I forget 5 seconds later and have to ask again... then making sure I give the right change. The cash register dosnt tell me what change I have to use a calculator even for small sums and it is very embarrassing people think I am dumb I just cannot process numbers well and think of that many things at once. Its a big challenge. My boss gets angry with me, she dosnt speak english well and I cant explain to her what is wrong with me. She gets mad that I seem nervous and awkward and I cant explain why.
I havnt had a date in 7 years, I am not ugly but I never aproach men. I never flirt I dont know how, I am told I seem defensive and off putting. I dont mean to? I get upset, I seem cold and I am not. I just dont waste my emotions on petty crap.
What I am good at is working with animals of all types. While I struggle with human relations I get on well with other creatures. I trained my own horse, I have 3 dogs, I breed birds, parrots, chinese silkie chickens, just about to recieve a pair of peafowl (peacock and peahen) that a neighbour dosnt want anymore. I would like to vollunteer with riding for the disabled. I am not a good rider myself but I am good at training ponies on the ground and handling them. Horses get very quiet with me.
I have a lot of interests some people think are really weird. I like to do ghost hunting I am interested in the paranormal and have been since I was old enough to read a book. I believe in and have experienced things others think are nuts but I dont care, its not my problem.
I like alternative music gothic music and clothes, metal, and some rap aswell. Im interested in martial arts and weapons, not to hurt people I just have an interest in it and collect unusual LEGAL weapons, ornamental and military knives. I play darts and throw knives AT TARGET BOARDS I am very carefull and responsible. I am teaching myself how to dance with a fire staff, fire dancing. I have not lit one yet just using practice staffs. Going to enrol in a martial arts Gym to learn it better.
I live on 2 acres on the edge of the bush on NSW south coast. I like the outdoors, exploring, building things myself, garden sculptures and art, I like growing plants and making stuff. I like doing 3D jigsaws, I also love slot cars. How many 30 year old women like slot cars and I still kind find a bloke? LOL Ive never been much of a 'girl' I guess and not sure I ever really grew up. If I could have my dream job it would be working in a zoo with Hyenas, wolves and big cats.
If you read all that thankyou very much.
Sarah.
20 Nov 2011, 2:53 am
