So apparently I have Asperger's...

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Today I was informed that they're diagnosing me with mild Asperger's.

I had been studiously avoiding reading up on it for months after my father was recently diagnosed as having it and he recommended that I look into it. I think it's because, at this point, I didn't want anything else to be wrong with me.

For the past two years, I've been struggling with what's developed into (diagnosed) full Bipolar II, courtesy of an extremely challenging (and at times life-threatening) experience in submarines in the USN pushing me over the edge into long periods of major depression punctuated by the occasional hypomanic or mixed affective episode. (The former can be kinda fun, the latter are most definitely NOT fun)

It took an intense period with suicidal thoughts to finally drive me to get help after leaving the service, and I've been extremely lucky that the VA here has been very helpful.

I never had a chance (or never took it) while leaving the service to get my medial status reviewed, but through the VA I'm being evaluated now. After a review of my medical and personal history in addition to developing BPD in the military it was pointed out that I also appear to have had Asperger's all my life. So I finally decided to take a look and see just what literature was out there.

...

Good lord. It's really only been in the past few years that I've started to realize that I seem to have the emotional intelligence of a baby carrot, (okay, yes, that's a bit of a hyperbole) but I had always felt that it was because of something that -I- was -doing- wrong.

I can remember with near-perfect aural and visual clarity every social misstep and awkward moment all the way back to when I was approximately four years old (while not able to remember the names of people I've worked and lived with for years) and frequently reflect on them. And every single one of those memories was filled with thoughts of how I screwed up, how I could've done better, how I could've said something else, and how I should've acted or appeared. And armed with the knowledge gained through studious observations of how other people act I had a benchmark to measure myself against... and continue to criticize myself for failing to reach it time and time again.

Over the years I have managed to learn enough that I can chit-chat (mostly) normally with complete strangers. But for me it's always been like an act. It's not that I don't want to talk to strangers; I do, and at times I can find it stimulating. (Admittedly, it took me a few decades to get to that point. It's only today that I found out that there is such a thing as selective mutism) But for me it's like a switch. As soon as the conversation is done, the emotions go away, and I'm back to being my normal blank slate, wearing my own face like it's a mask over the real me.

But that's just chit-chat. If I try to talk about anything of substance, like anything actually relating to me or to someone or something else, I stutter and stumble, and can spend three minutes trying to explain something that--if I had maybe fifteen minutes to think about it--I could summarize in a single sentence.

In short, I always sound like an idiot. And so for most of my life I have been treated like one. It's that which I continue to find astonishing because there's significant evidence to the contrary. Even in the military I was treated like an idiot by my superiors despite the fact that I had not only made it through the most technically challenging programs that were offered, but that I excelled. But, no, because I can't talk without stumbling over my own words I was isolated and shunned.

...

Wow, I'm getting off-track here. I still have quite a bit of bitterness that I'm dealing with.

Anyhow, still trying to cope with news that I found out only a couple of hours ago. Wikipedia mentioned "Wrong Planet," and I have to admit that I'm rather surprised how quickly I leapt at the chance to talk with others that are actually like me.

We'll have to see how things work out. Despite this rather large (and personal) post, I am well familiar with my pattern for social interaction by now: I make some passing attempt at pretending to be human but it eventually (rapidly, usually in the space of an hour) fails, and I go back to my solitary life in my apartment. Blinds and curtains closed.

Hey, welcome! I was selectively mute as a child, now a tiny bit better. Can really relate to your post. Hope you have a nice time here!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you for the replies. I'll try to make an effort here. Fingers crossed and all that.

howdy snapadin, i'm new too but i noticed you're a fellow texan

Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm a Texan (I'm new the the state), but I'm definitely living in Texas. It's good to meet locals though.

welcome to texas, too then

@mar00: PPR area? At first I thought you were referring to some region in Texas, but that search proved fruitless. Same for FAQs and guidelines on Wrong Planet. After more poking around though, I'm wondering if you mean the "Politics, Philosophy, and Religion" discussion area on the forum?

@lovemywes: Thank you! I hope things work out here.

Oh, very sorry for that, its politics philosophy religion Sorry, I somewhy I assumed it's a more general abbreviation.

Welcome fellow Nuke, or so I'm assuming I painfully made it through the program top half. That's great the docs were able to help you out. For me, they diagnosed me with dysthymia, a low grade depression that when reading the symptoms I did not relate with at all. I was diagnosed afterwards with major depression with the VA. Even then it did not fully explain my symptoms. I've long suspected I've had ADD and finally went to get checked for it, and the intern (under the supervision of the dr) said I have a learning disability instead. I talked to the learning disability specialist and she's referring me to another add/as specialist, since she strongly feels I have symptoms of ADD. I also started looking up asperger syndrome and here I am now. And the fact this forum is called "wrong planet" makes me feel like I'm in the right place. And reading over your post, I share a lot of your experiences, especially the part about interacting with people being an "act"

@mar00: No worries! I'm sure it is considered a more general abbreviation here. I'm just glad that I did get it correct. Also, bonus points for showing me "somewhy." I'm going to have to work that into a sentence somewhere now.

@dudeimjason: Guilty as charged; I'm a nuke. But while I was in, yeah, the docs helped me in virtually no way, shape, or form. I'm really sorry to hear that the VA has given you a run-around. From what I hear, I lucked out with the mental health people in this area; I've heard that it can be a real mixed bag. I'm glad that you finally found your way here. And, yeah, until I read about Asperger's and came across this site, I thought I was the only person in the world who feels that way when interacting with other people. It's.. kinda weird to learn that I'm not the only one... Well, weird in a good way.

Well I hope you manage to use it somewise When I was writing it down I got that feeling of making stuff up. Actually I am quite amazed by your searching skills

The Big D and Errol the White-bear Plushie welcomes you to Wrong Planet! Enjoy your stay!

Welkome to WP

Mick

Welcome!