Hi everyone

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I am 25 years old and am currently awaiting official diagnosis for AS. Two sources suggested I might be having it, as I am showing some traits.

The main symptom I encounter is that feeling of division between myself and the most of others. That feeling is persistent thruought my life. I wasn't fully aware that I am different until the age of nine or ten, at that time I certainly amused myself with thoughts that I might be alien. Year or to later, it stopped being amusing.

I had no problems with learning whatsoever and I believe that is the main reason I wasn't diagnosed (not to mention that, at that time, Asperger's wasn't very well known, specially in my country, which is in Europe).
By the time I was about to enter my high school, I really became an outsider and rationalized it was the others who were to blame, and I hated them very much. I believe that, since my grades were top of the class, that I am superior even though I was socially very clumsy, appeared frightened, and I was very unusual in many thing. Going out, sports, datings, non of that interested me. I was writing an SF book at that time and it was something I was really focused on.

In high school, first week and I already had disgraceful events. At that moment I snaped and completely shut myself out,. In 4 years I literary spoke few sentences and nobody knew anything about me. I got along with teachers really well though. At that time I studied interaction of others, studied their conversation and everything and, applied that knowledge on college. It made my life easier but I became sort of a chameleon. I could play so many personalities that I really lost track of who I really am. It allowed me to fit in easier (especially in1 on 1 conversation) but it didn't solve other problems - it was all superficial. It made people believe I am normal and than, they wanted more and more, hang outs, parties and everything and in that context, I cant function. It also made me paranoid because my real myself got so buried beneath all acting and masks that I was afraid it might be discovered. And alas, no matter how much I fit in, I couldn't get satisfaction from interactions because it was all fake.

I apologize in advance for writing so much... once I start, it's difficult to stop. And that only applies to writing, verbally, I am rather silent.

I hope I might meet someone with similar experiences.

Thank you and bye.

I'm new here myself, but with the exception of self-knowledge at an early age (I couldn't even tell that I was misunderstanding or missing things until my early 20's) you've largely described how I've felt.

In fact, it's really the word 'chameleon' that you use. I've used that same word to describe myself (to myself) countless times, even noting how I assume accents to sound like a local. I don't even know what my own accent is anymore, or if I even have one. When I'm not talking to anyone else it just periodically cycles through everything I've used over the course of my life, all the way from redneck to Engrish. (Yes, I spent a lot of my life in Asia)

As far as high school goes, I remember trying to do a simple reading of Romeo and Juliet in my freshman English class and, as soon as I finished the lines, having to hide in a corner of the room while I hyperventilated. And for dating? It didn't occur to me until this year (-30-) that the female friend in my tiny group of friend might've actually had a crush on me. And that I might've even had a crush on her. I enjoyed board games, RPGs, computer games, and that was pretty much it.

So, yeah, if we bumped into each other face-to-face I couldn't tell you this either. I'd just exchange some idle pleasantries that a perfect stranger might say, and that'd be it. So, yes, I think you'll find, like I am, that there are plenty of people here with similar experiences.

I guess the big thing is: you are not alone.

Welcome!

Well that does sound an awful lot like me. And most of the further text.

I felt different from very early on, perhaps because of selective mutism (which I don't speak much nowadays either). I excelled at most subjects and then I got in the nerd school. Then I only excelled at everything but languages. I was doing my own thing but making sure grades were in order and it was done by cramming the last night and occasional cheating for history. That was quite odd so eventually I just had to arrive to conculsion that everyone else was really dumb. I remember that this feeling of superiority was core to my worldview. If I couldn't understand people I would label them without any hesitation as stupid. Not only that but the same applied to any social constructs or generalised qualities of homo sapiens. For social sciences, politics and history, for everything but science. I also had a lot for perfectionism. What is the leading theme of my life is hatred - I am now misanthropic to the bones. (but at the same time I have a part of personality which is a saint)

I did make a lot of social attempts but failed miserably. At some point I found myself being valued for my incredible cynicism which I suppose translated into a hip sarcastic remarks about teachers. Although I got along just fine with them and luckily so b/c my attendance was poor. I was obsessed with social stuff, namely how other people comprehend stuff and what is the motivation behind their actions. I would go for people watching and do that for hours. And so I made some different personalities up which would allow me to talk to people. However it was all an act, there was no myself to it - just a well done research with some mirror practicing (and I also did a variety of accents for all the languages I was forced to know! ha, this is funny (obviously they all prolly sound way off). People actually wanted to do something with me which was just too much. All in all I got nothing out of it; quite the opposite - every single thing required an enormous manual effort. I paid the price for it and got myself some depression. And I don't even know who I am - various parts of myself contradict badly. I even think that this concept of self is *stupid*.

Apologies if that sounds not very well thought-through or direct. It's an early morning here in Europe Hope you find here what you are looking for, AlastorX. Aand have a nice day!

Yeah, I noticed early on the difference, but only later (in my 20's as well) that the ''problem'' might be in me).



I recognize this in my case as well. I would talk to someone form different part of country and soon, I realized that I had picked up an accent. It surprised me as it was completely unintentional and it also made me worried - what is real me in conversation?



Tell me about it...I remember that in college, we often had to give kind of lectures on seminaries. I avoided it all the first year long, even if that meant lower grade. But on my second year I couldn't avoid it whatsoever. My hands were shaking so much, voice trembled...I just read my paper without giving audience a glance. I believe it has less with asperger's itself and more with comorbid social phobia and subsequent stage fright.



That is indeed a big thing. I just felt like an outcast whole of my life. I wouldn't say it was like a wall, more like I was in a soap bubble, where I could see everyone and anything but i couldn't participate. I never felt like I belonged to any group and, even though I have good friends, it just seems I am sporadic to them because they simply can't do all the things with me like going on social occasions et cetera. They often think I am rude and arrogant and that I purposely try to ''dehumanize'' myself.

Thank you very much.



I recognized myself in lot's of factors describe here - from selective mutism, to feelings of superiority, perfectionism to procrastination. I guess I can thank my school and academic successes to good memory skills. I can learn quite well, but it needs to be done through visualization. I had problems with math mostly because i couldn't organize the numbers on a paper. If a problem was to long, I would get lost, I would write 5 instead of 3, - instead of + and so on. I got rid of misanthropy a bit, but it is a trap I still fall in sometimes. It is funny how, in my mind I was so often hateful, enraged, and had feeling of superiority yet I always left an impression of good kid, simply because my social skills were inferior. Heh, if I had telekinetic abilities at that time...



And that is my point as well. Others also, at one point, became interested in me and wanted to something with me, and I couldn't, and wouldn't, fulfill that demands. I even understood their interest as an intrusive and agressive. On social occasions, I can seem to have good time (sometimes) but in myself, I just feel an urge to flee and the best part is often going home to my favorite things. And, people say ''oh, it was great, let's do it again'' while I see it as completing obligation and providing myself some time to be left alone. On the other hand I can't say I want to be isolated all the time, I need company but I need it in a different way and for different reasons. I guess this is part of the contradictions you talk about. It's like - you don't understand and don't know how to synchronize yourself with rest of the world.



Oh, not problem at all. I don't, usually, think through very much either, nor do my spoken or written words must have direction. Just talking is ok, just writing is ok. I am just very happy to find others with similar advantages and problems.

Thank you and bye for now.

Welkome to WP

Mick

Yeah, this is fun and people don't miss a chance to mock me for it.

It took me a lot of time to shed this misanthropy a bit, and perhaps I wanted to do so because now I see how much hate can blind. And I value truth a lot, no matter what it is - and to do so one really has to lose many of irrational beliefs.

This I find so unbelievable. For me too, and inside I was laughing out how much they were wrong. Inside was jus burning with rage but face was stone cold, even warm with a practiced smile which was the usual thing I would do.


Exactly, it's like my definition of social connection is somewhat different. And I'm afraid that in actuality it just might be impossible. And even more it seems that I have a whole different idea of what stuff means and it's incompatible with what I see happening.

Well I am just glad we have something in common it's quite rare even in WP

Welcome!

Thank you everyone for such a welcome. It is quite surprising to find that almost immediately there were others who recognized themselves in things I wrote about. I am about to get official diagnosis and, though it doesn't make me more happy or sad than I was before, it just makes some things clear and therefore offers some relief.

There were doubts about me having AS because, there is that general viewpoint that Aspies are good natured and always honest and so on...that is how NT's romanticize. And I thought - oh well, how do I fit the picture? I was so angry, so enraged about everyone. I got drunk, I was very mischievous as a kid and so on. I was never odd math wiz who mumbled numbers to himself. Off course, these are all just stereotypes. The truth is - me being angry, and depressed and dreaming of revenge and so on, it all indicated a problems, and I couldn't find a cause.

@Mar00

I just wanted to comment on that warm smile (wile being angry). The superior at my workplace asked me if I am taking something because I always had that smile on my face. It wasn't a real smile, it was just some kind of a mask because somewhere and sometime, I probably guessed that that is an expression it's good to have. And yes, I can smile, I show emotions but it is so independent of context that sometimes it seems absurd. It's absurd that I am shaking hands with practically everyone I meet, even old friends and their family (which causes them to laugh).

The biggest question I had was: aspies can't lie. I know I can, I can pretend and tell make-up stories to protect myself. It's not exactly that I will tell my coworkers, if they asked what I did on friday evening: ''oh, I built models of boats'' or if someone gave me a present I didn't like: ''that sucks.''
But, I never was able to put blame on someone else, and if I lie to make an excuse (often) it must be at least partially connected to truth.

Hello and welcome!

Welcome to Wrongplanet

And I could relate so much to your post, as I am sure you will be able to as you navigate around the site and read about people's stories, issues, and successes.

Looking forward to seeing you around and reading your posts

Yeah this is interesting I used to lie all the time and I have no problem to use it to my advantage (but I wasn't too good at it). I think it stems from social anxiety and me not having ties with reality. If I wan't something to be in a certain way I just tell it and then assume this is true for the purpose of the conversation. However it reveals another seeming self-contradiction. I am or rather can be very honest. I don't know or remember very well but it might just be the case that I got hurt from being so honest and thus my hate took over. When you just wan't to destroy something you use any argument you can. With a smile on your face.

My point is that socializing as such from a certain angles can be rather trivial for a rational person. Once I found a way to look at it and construct something logical out of it (which I think I did through hate) I could fit satisfactorily (not really perhaps but it is superficial). However when the show is over and I seek some genuine connection in my own terms I am way too honest. I don't do *social give and take*, for me is something like a quest for ultimate truth with all cards on a table. And these days I find it difficult to lie, now my new favourite hobby is political correctness and provoking logical fallacies which is a perfect combination of an urge to be honest and my rational sneaky, paranoid, hating mind (again, not good at it).

Well I think that's how it is for me.. And I used to assume this was b/c of my smarts. And maybe it is, as far as I gather people with AS have all sorts of experiences.

To WrongPlanet!! !