Anyone else worn out from mimicking normalcy? New Member...

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Hello,

I just joined this site after years of pondering reaching out. I am 51 years old so Asperger's wasn't a term I grew up with. It wasn't until I read Temple Grandon's book that I began to suspect I might either have Asperger's or share many of the traits. I often wonder if my Mother's Huntington's might have so influence on some of my traits.. visual thinking, impaired impulse control, etc. I have recently been having trouble spelling which is odd for me, anyway,

I am interested to hear if anyone else shares my history...

Early on I felt very different from other people. I was too direct and I didn't understand how others didn't see the world as I did. I didn't hang around with kids much. I was bullied mercilessly until I grew up bigger than the bullies. Often I found myself saying, what others viewed as, the wrong thing. The way things made sense to me seemed upsetting to other people.

So, over time I learned to mimic normalcy to fit in. I am quite good at imitations and that seems to cover emotions as well. I have built a good life but when I am alone it all feels a bit like I am onstage.

Now in my middle age I am exhausted from faking my reactions and would just like to say what is on my mind without worrying how others will perceive it.

Is there anyone else who has experienced what I have? I would like to know and discuss it.

Thanks

Try searching the net for Aspergian Mask. There is a 9:16 video, and at 4:00 into it, the therapist will describe to you exactly what it is, and how you might go about how you feel.

I just found it last week, and it brought me to tears knowing i didn't have to fake it my whole life; I AM allowed to be ME! Society can sit back and accept it.

Hope this helps you as much as it did me.

I know what you mean about mimicking normalcy... I do it too. I'm 34, and I was bullied mostly in middle school, which is where I really started to do this. I don't think I got really good at it until end of high school

Interesting subject because its been on my mind over the last month or two, and I am attempting to remove some of my own "masks" lately, to see what happens. It isn't easy... All the insecurities and anxieties come up.

I found the Tony Attwood's video... It is very good as usual... Makes a lot of sense
Here is the video the previous replies talked about

Hello I just found this site, and have only in the last several months allowed myself to entertain the notion that I am diagnosable. This is the first post I've read, actually. But I have to say... I read your post and wept for recognition, rocking myself rather vigorously (in an office chair). LOL.

I've coped with the mimicry all these years by creating alone space when I can. I am hypersensitive to other people's energy. Early in life I realized that i couldn't even think certain thoughts around certain people. It feels like static when I'm around people too much and I can't feel myself much less feel my own senses, or think my own thoughts. For my whole young life I couldn't digest around people unless the environment was absolutely loving and harmonious. And forget about going to the bathroom!! !!

I've found uses for this trait (I'm a bodyworker), and done alot of work dealing with boundaries... I've been afraid of pathologizing my personality. Digestion is very basic, but it is far from my biggest issue. Anyway, that's enough for now.

I finally ran out of 'faking energy' aged 56 - ?mercifully? the church retired me as a priest. Now I am allowed to be me, which is a lot less tiring!

When you say mimicking normalcy, do you mean not doing what comes naturally to you or doing what doesn't come naturally to you?

LOL I just realized I didn't agree or anything with your original post. Heh, I would ask for forgiveness, but I'm in the right place...

I definitely feel in many of the same ways about my history. I definitely knew I was different, I knew I couldn't explain how, the bullying was constant, as though I had a 'target: cant defend self' sign on me. It is still a shock to say something completely benign and have someone be overtly offended.

I think I started faking it (what I've always naturally called it) after moving to America from Australia when I was 11. Total culture shock; I didn't know anything about american TV shows, and I had an accent (not long after crocodile dundee was popular) so it was "SAY SOMETHING!" in my face all recess. I could never think what to say other than "something", which never satisfied it. I'd agree with xowe, in my case, I got really good at it at 18 when I was booted out of the house; sink or swim at that point.

And so after nearly 20 years, my brother can't believe anything could possibly be wrong with me since I've been faking it all this time.

I'd be glad to chat more about it.

Re: Aimless' post

For me, when I say faking it, I am putting up a cover or mask that is socially acceptable so others can't see the real me behind it. So, the second one, faking that which does not come naturally.

I see there could be two interpretations. In converse to the original poster (I think) I feel more like I am onstage when I am faking it. It maybe after so long of faking it that this feeling reverses (total conjecture).

Oh yes. Long ago I started exploring the concept of masks and roles because it seemed to me that no one was ever truly themselves. Relationships seemed an elaborate dance of masks and charade, with no one ever saying what they really meant or letting another in to see the true self. I was never all that good at masks and roles and apparently have a disconcerting ability to see beyond the masks. So yes, I've faked being normal when I clearly wasn't, whatever normal is. The effort is exhausting and depressing. I am just now willing to talk to people outside of my family.

Thanks for the link to the video AbqAsP. It was spot on.

The exhaustion is what gets to me the most.. when I was in Europe 6 years ago I had to spend two full days in bed just to 'reboot' if you will. The depression can, mostly, feel centering believe it or not. A time to reflect and do some introspection. I feel best afterward just walking through a crowd (not too crowded though) where people are enjoying themselves and soaking up their emotions.

And to answer the earlier question... faking normalcy is practicing the behaviour others expect to see which isn't natural to me.

Now I just want to change my career as I have lost the desire to put on the 'business mask'. It would be so fulfilling to do something that actually matters.

As a new member I cannot tell you how good it feels to hear that other people have been feeling and going through what I have. I felt alone with this for so long.

Glad it helped. Thanks also go to xowe for actually posting the link to the video I described.

I'm doing this right now too:

Now I just want to change my career as I have lost the desire to put on the 'business mask'. It would be so fulfilling to do something that actually matters.

I was a manager for a corporation. heh... I will be choosing a different career path, as it was only the mask that allowed me to get that far.

To aimless:
I hear you there. There are things that I could not truly fake, as you say like sexual banter, at which point the mask coping mechanism is more about diverting attention from the deficit or hiding it in some other way from a typical person other than by exhibiting expected behaviour. When wearing a mask I would still give less eye contact, but no one noticed because I know when they laugh, theyre not looking, I could direct them to look at something while talking, as a manager I could "keep my eye on things" happening while discussing, make a joke about yourself and its expected someone might turn away in slight embarrassment. This type of thing I would do to compensate for that which could not be faked. I think this is why its described by Attwood as requiring a lot of intelligence to execute is because it takes ALOT to interweave it so thoroughly that it appears seamless. I (and he, I think) am not indicating a level of intelligence of the people using it or the people that don't, just that it takes a massive intellectual effort, and I agree with his words "at great cost".

I'm willing to try to help support anyone that's here to help moving forward in life without a mask, because that's why I am here (I'd like your support for the same reason).

So far I've been figuring out which little coping mechanisms that I can use in the future that worked so well in the past, just not used to hide me. Like humor.

This is a great and much needed topic and the comments so far have brought it to the forefront of my attention just how incredibly weary I am of the whole gig. Always, from as far back as can I remember, I have put up a good front to be and do and say what is expected of me. Right now, at this moment, probably, no, not probably, most certainly because of reading this thread my defenses are down and I hesitate to write at all because it is me being real and that is scary. I am just so tired of feeling like a monkey being dragged around on a chain by the organ grinder. The worst part though, the part that makes me so tired, frustrated, angry, sad, is that I have managed so "seemingly" well all these years to act "normal" that my family treats my Asperger's dx as if it is a joke or a delusion. They don't understand that I have labored endlessly to be a daughter, wife, sister, mother, friend, employee, co-worker, etc., and they do not understand the wear and tear all of this acting has had on my nervous system. I sometimes feel as though I have been buried alive. I don't want to use Asperger's as a crutch, that's the last thing I want to do; I just want a little bit of credit and recognition for my life-long and day to day struggle to be what they want me to be, without losing myself in the process. They are the ones who should look me in the eyes, and just one time say, "We believe you and we understand."

BTW, I am 69 years old.

So you all are probably the only ones that can appreciate this, regardless of how many therapists I show it to lol. Seems to be the thread for it.

Society/family and mirror or reflection on the right, me and my mirror (being painted on) on the left. They won't even hold the ladder for me - more important to validate the impact my problem has on them. It looks like I could catch up, but I won't. Even if I could finish, you'll always be able to tell it's not original, from the overflow on the floor.

Drew this a few months before I knew about Asperger's, trying to communicate with SOMEone...

I think for many of us, it's a survival mechanism. In order not to be bullied, or singled out as strange, we need to mimic others (NTs) in order to blend in. I know from experience that I can be very convincing, but it comes at a price: as you mentioned, it's exhausting to keep the mask up. I often come home from work just drained, and sit there for hours, unable to do much else. It's great when you can be in the right place to just be yourself. Unfortunately, we often have to deal with the NT world, and need to wear a mask in order to be accepted.

It's so funny that you use the term "mask..." looking back at my journals from high school, I used the same term...far before I even suspected that I might be an Aspie.... I posted a rant in the 'welcome' forum, talking about how burned out I am...and tired of having to hide who I truly am from everyone except my boyfriend