Wanting to know if man I like has AS

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Hi, I'm new here. I'm NT and I apologize if this has been covered to death, but I have been at my wits end with this man.

He showed a lot of interest in me in the beginning when we first met, I would see him daily at the cafe we both go to in the morning.

He finally asked me to lunch and I was thrilled. He didn't really flirt at all, except when he suggested I make dinner for him sometime in what I thought was a flirateous way. I just smiled. I didn't want him to think I would just go to his apartment.

I have been told to "play hard to get" and not be "so available" to men by someone who wrote a book on dating.

I'm wondering now if such behavior would work with this guy. He seems shy, but has also said some flirateous things. He's said he wants to take me out again--has mentioned it a couple of times but hasn't done so. It's been weeks and weeks.

I asked around about him and I heard that people think he's socially awkward but very smart.

Once when I tried to flirt with him, he just didn't get it.

He seems almost boyish sometimes but he's over 40.

The way he blurts out things sometimes have seemed weird.

He seems mysterious and closed--I want to get to know him better--just to see if there's something there between us. Oh--he has made some major eye contact with me that melted me. Other times, he just walks by me in the cafe with a distant hello.

I got the feeling something was really different about him but on the other hand I thought maybe he was playing head games and just leading me on. It hurt a lot.

A friends son has AS who I've known since he was a kid and he has a girlfriend and is overly enthusiastic in his behavior about her.

Any insight would be appreciated. This man really interests me. I wonder if he's lonely or is liking being on his own and just dating lots of women--or not dating anyone.

In confiding in a friend about his behavior, the response was, "there seems to be a disconnect", he "sounds dysfunctional". I think he may be very sweet--I don't want to chase him or ask him out--I made it clear that I'd like to.

Don't know.

Sapphira, welcome. Sorry to hear you are experiencing so many relationship problems.

As far as your fella goes, it's hard to say if he has AS. What I would do would be to do some research on it and see how many of the diagnostic criteria you can see he fits.

As far as eye contact goes, that's something aspies learn to do, though what you describe is very typical. Some days it's easier to seem normal than others. Some days I'm gregarious and want to talk to people; other days I walk into my office, and my employees know to leave me alone unless it's very important. And on the very worst days, I don't leave my house or answer my phone.

One thing I will forewarn you about: If you do succeed in getting into a serious relationship with this fella, he's not likely ever to be warm and cuddly. That's just not the way aspies are--for the most part.

Now would be a good time to decide on whether or not this is something you can handle. It should be a matter of putting what you like about him in one column, and what you don't like in the other, and see how they balance out.

The next time you talk to him, you just might ask him if he has AS. If he says he doesn't know, there are a number of tests online that can offer some idea as to whether the taker has AS. Just google it up.

He'll be warm and cuddly if he loves you.

Dunnyveg has some very good points regarding getting into a relationship with one of us. My last relationship lasted for 5.5 years and finally my ex-boyfriend left me. His reason was that "I treated him like my brother in public." I had NO IDEA this was how he felt until it was obviously too late.

If this man is, in fact AS, you can most certainly count on him never reacting in a way that you (or any NT really) would predict.

As far as being cuddly, loving someone doesn't automatically make you cuddly. I loved my ex very much but just never became a "cuddler."

Thanks for the quick responses. I read the NYTimes article yesterday about AS in which two young people with it were profiled. The young man had told his girlfriend once he didn't like kissing. I know that everyone is an individual--but if this man has serious issues and just likes to look but that's it, I better get over him. I would like a man to be loving and tender--unpredictable can be refreshing--like some of his quirky behavior--I find it charming.

So I guess I'm wondering if the guy likes being alone and takes things just this far and no further--I really don't want to give up on him in case I could be the one who could love him.

But I don't want to be a doormat, either. I have my own issues, too, that I've been working on in therapy for a long time. I think I could love someone if they wanted to be loved and didn't close themselves off.

I've had bad relationships in the past and when I met him, it just seemed like he could be right for me, then his behavior just shifted suddenly and he became distant--for no reason--he said goodbye nicely when I ran into him on a Friday, then the next time I saw he treated me more like a stranger. I thought maybe it was job pressure.

I don't want to push him. I think I'll just be nice to him, try to be open and see what happens.

I'd like to learn more about AS.

Do many with AS prefer being alone to the idea of or being in a relationship I wonder.

Regarding your question about AS people liking to be alone vs. in a relationship...I would have to say that most of us are simply indifferent. There are certainly people on the spectrum that want more than anything to be in love but there are many of us, like me, that find the effort necessary to maintain a relationship exhausting.

I love dating but there seems to always be a point when I look at the man I have been seeing across the table and wonder "why the hell did I ever start seeing this person romantically? They are tedious!"

Even though it is my own thought, it still seems bizarre that my brain can change its prefernces for seemingly little or no reason. I may never understand it.

One of the things I really like about this forum is being able to talk to people I can relate to. The above is a case in point. I can relate to all of it, except as the male half.

Speaking just for me, I couldn't ever live with anybody, at least not full time. My girlfriend actually lives in Georgia and I live in Texas. We see each other three to five times a year. Even though that's not enough, and we tend to get along very well, I'm usually glad to see her leave. But I'm always glad to see her come back too.

Not to trivialize Ghostar's thoughts, but for me it's a bit more complicated. I too find myself occasionally wanting to run. But other times, I'm glad she's in my life. I think it's a matter of me having my space as an aspie. When I don't get it, I get testy. Ghostar is right that it is exhausting.

I used to feel guilty about this until I discovered I had AS. It's not me; many aspies need a lot of "down time", or time alone. Your fella may need it too.

If it's of any help, I suspect it's easier for a normal female to be married to an aspie than vice versa. Men need physical affection much more than they need emotional affection. I understand women need physical affection too, but it has been my experience women are much more fond of emotional affection. You are much more likely to get emotional affection from a male aspie than physical affection. In other words, you are much more likely to get him to say affectionate things, hold your hand, etc. It's not that we don't like girls and the way they're made; for me it's a matter of not being fully comfortable being that close to anybody. I don't think I'm alone in this.

It's totally dependent on the individual how much and what kind of intimacy they like. I love everything and lots of it, and I doubt I'm alone in that.

Thanks all. The posts above left me feeling sort of -- I don't know -- scared? But then again, when I read "I could never live with anyone" I thought, "wait a minute--be honest--isn't that how you feel about yourself?!" Who's to say that everyone has to get married or have a "certain" kind of relationship. I've been on my own for a very long time and independent. The thought of counting on someone else or having to change so many habits, move somewhere else--whatever... I'm not like the usual woman--never had kids--never felt I could be a mother.

But I'm curious--do AS men have problems with sex, generally? Do they need the woman to initiate it, for instance? I don't want to generalize but overall--would men that have AS be considered very different than most men in that regard?

I would like much more from a relationship--to travel with someone, have a good friendship.

I'm in no hurry to have a sexual relationship with anyone. Having male companionship would actually be nice without the pressure of him wanting to go to bed.

When I read the part about "indifferent" that bothered me because I would want the man to really want to be with me. I think I would find it hurtful if he was not passionate and didn't care enough one way or the other if we saw each other. This man is probably all wrong for me--and people have been telling me that for a while now since I've been so upset by his behavior (without considering AS). I'm wondering if this guy is capable of love. I thought he was sweeping me off my feet at first.

Part of me thinks he must be lonely but after reading these posts, I'm thinking he's not lonely at all--he's had weeks and weeks to ask me out. The phrase, "he's just not that into you" comes to mind, but I just can't seem to let it go because of his intermittent attention. I also read a post that said people with AS don't have a concept of how things are done timewise--say for instance, the expectation of a man asking a woman on another date soon after the first one.
This is why I think it's not that he's not into me anymore, but that he operates in a way I'm not used to. He acted like he had a school boy crush on me, then backed off quite a bit. That was very upsetting and confusing. I think with understanding, I could maybe handle dating him--or exploring the possibility, if I felt he was interested in it, and not indifferent. I wouldn't want to do all the "heavy lifting" in a relationship. So I'll try to take it day by day.

Thanks all!

You should probably talk to him about it.

I agree with fraac.

I'll identify with something you noted. My personal and intimate relationships really do not progress unless the other person is advancing the relationship boundary. I have no idea how to do it or when to guage its appropriate. Just me, not all aspies.

I will mention that if you've used body language to indicate whether a date was successful, and want to go out again, chances are it was overlooked or misinterpreted. I think some with AS feel they can't read it much at all, and some others do, but misinterpret when they read body language.

Shot in the dark, but could it be when you say he said he wanted to take you out again, and then didn't for weeks, that he may be waiting for your permission to do so? While I might personally risk calling someone back if I was unsure, I would definitely feel comfortable if the response I got was like "Okay, this week" or something more sure...

Final note: I'm extraordinarily passionate towards a partner, physically and (self)emotionally but have difficulty satisfying the others' needs without help - talking with that person about it. I'm much colder to everybody else that am not intimate with, even family.

Oh, I think that would totally freak him out. We haven't dated, we've had some flirting and deep looks, A LOT of small talk--he's very good at that! I'm wondering if he can have deep conversations.

But until or unless we ever have some time alone outside the cafe I'll never find out--there are always people there, so usually it's just him giving me a nice good morning, and complimenting my suit or blouse or shoes.

He's never told me he thinks I'm pretty but has done that very intense look into my eyes that I thought meant something real. At the same time he was doing it, he was talking about work, etc.--nothing romantic. Then other times, he makes these remarks in a kind of sexy tone that makes me think he's really into me. Still other times, he acts like he doesn't know what to say and says something akin to talking about the weather.

I actually did remind him that he mentioned going to happy hour a couple of times, and I ended up getting so exasperated by what I thought was him playing games or just leading me on, that I got a bit confrontational. He seemed like he just wanted to run for the hills. But he ended up by saying that he'd like to do that and would let me know.

Well, that was recently and he's visiting his family for the holidays. I had the feeling he was just saying he would let me know about getting together because he just wanted to get away. I don't know. I think I did come on strong but everyone thinks he's been ridiculous and leading me on.

If he really likes me and his intentions are to ask me out, then I will definitely give him a chance.

Oh, I have a question. Do men with AS tend to play games with women's heads? Do they have the capacity for such things? I somehow think he's not the type to do that. (Yes, I do write long posts! LOL)

If he's anything like me, I don't expect he's playing games with you. Maybe he's afraid of scaring you away if he tries a romantic move? I've always been particularly bad about that. I hate feeling like I'm pushing myself on people...

Example, there was a girl who went to the high school I just recently graduated from, who, in retrospect, I think really liked me. At first I could tell, but then one of my friends told me she was just sort of flirty like that with everyone. My disappointment was profound. I underwent the usual rejection trip, and moved on (Tried to, more accurately). So I stopped trying to pursue her, and a while later, when I was hanging out with another girl (nothing developed with either of them, btw), she walked by again, and on the way past gave me this really deep, painful, disappointed stare, like "Oh, why can't you be with me?".

If your guy, for some reason or another, thought that you actually had no interest in him, he might have began to respectfully keep his distance from you romantically (Likely with some pretty bad feelings of rejection). Playing "hard to get" would only give him more evidence that you don't like him, & further disconnect him from you. "Oh... nevermind, I guess she's not into me after all... I better stop acting like I'm into her or she'll think I'm a total creep... I guess girls think I'm more of a "Best Friend" kind of guy than a lover..." and so on. With a few exceptions, this is pretty much the endless cycle of my love life.

Thanks, you know that really helps because when I was just being myself and friendly--maybe a little nervous about how to respond to his questions when he would ask me a something and I couldn't think of the answer right away, but still being real, things were good. He'd come out with stuff that was sort of out of left field sometimes. I hate the whole hard to get thing and I'm terrible at it when I like someone. Saying I'm busy Saturday night if I'm just going to stay home if he doesn't ask by Wednesday, for example!

Once he approached me at the cafe from behind and I was surprised to see him--he was all happy to see me and all smiles (which surprised me) so I think I just probably didn't really smile back because I was taken by surprise. I remember his smile immediately falling.

I'm not going to ask him out. Before he went to visit his family for xmas, things were on a friendly note. I think I'll be friendly with him--not flirty--maybe smile at him more. I know he's got a stressful job--is it possible that he's so focused on his work that it's gotten in the way of him asking me out? Is it usual for someone with AS to wait so long to ask someone out again if they like them?