So I'm not the only one who is like this?

Post Reply New Topic

Hello all, I'm new to this whole world that seems to be mine as well.
I'm 27 years old and all of my life I've "felt" different. I can interact with people, and sometimes even come off as perfectly normal, but I always feel the interaction is lacking. The song "Dumb" by Kurt Cobain sums it up very well "I'm not like them, but I can pretend" As you'll find, I often speak in allusions and or metaphors. Most people loose me at that point.
I CAN NOT make eye contact with anyone, even my wife, unless I force myself, its very uncomfortable. I'm often told that I am "shouting" and "being loud" when I feel that I am talking at a normal level. Sometimes I try to relate to something someone is saying, or sometimes I try to "connect" the thought. usually, I find myself feeling very awkward and what makes sense to me often confuses (sometimes frustrates) whoever I'm trying to talk to. For instance, at work I was in a meeting discussing the need for an extra dollar bill acceptor as a spare. I blurted out "oh yeah like a surrogate" The thought made perfect connection in my mind, but I just found myself feeling 5 inches tall as my co worker and boss made fun of me "for being weird" Even though I used the word correctly, it was completely out of context. Not in my mind, but in the real world it was. I do this ALL THE TIME.
My work is primarily with machines, but I do have to go on site and sometimes talk to people. This is so uncomfortable to me, I often literally duck in, run to my machine and fix it and duck out before anyone notices me. Secretly, even though most of the time I can't stand the guy, my coworker is a God send. He handles the talking while I duck off behind a machine to fix it.
Drive thru windows and cashiers are a real problem for me, my wife often has to even order my food for me if I feel too uncomfortable to actually talk to the waitress. She almost always drives when we know we will be going to a drive thru.
I have a hard time reading people, subtle signs that most would pick up, I'm oblivious to. I don't realize that I talk someones ear off about nothing, until they are all but hanging up on me. Sometimes just a casual question like "what are you doing" seems super invasive to me and I often will either "shut down" or get kind of rude about it. I don't know why. I can't rationalize what I'm feeling or why I feel it. I can't "talk myself out of it" It just is, I just try my best to control my actions since I can't seem to grip the emotions.
I'm told I am gifted in technology, the gift comes with the cost of complete submersion of my mind into whatever I am doing. I don't eat, I don't sleep, and rare do I stop what I'm doing to go to the bathroom. I've been known to say spend a day cracking a piece of software just to see it work, and never use it again. When I start a "project" its literally all I think about. Its all I talk about, its all I read about, its all I do. I do it until its perfect and then do it a few more times.
The only times I can find refuge from these obsessions and racing thoughts its to "get lost" in something else. Noise canceling ear buds and my iPhone are with me at all times. I can often use music as an escape, this is what drives me to be a musician. I prefer a dark room, no lights, maybe the ambient light of a laptop screen or TV screen. I sit in one place often in a very awkward posture sure to cause me problem later in life, and listen to music.
I over analyze EVERYTHING. I am constantly looking for meaning in things that anyone else would find meaningless. the etymology of words is a huge interest of mine. Symbiotic analysis is defiantly my forte. I find symbolism in anything. even if its not really there.
If I'm not intensely focused on one thing, than my thoughts are completely scattered, I've heard of this as "the 50 TVs" and other nicknames. Its totally me, I can't remember the last time I made it all the way through a prayer at night without wandering about elsewhere in my mind.
I can play instruments, solder VERY small parts on computer boards, and often work under a magnifying glass, small movements, are easy for me, walking across the room, that can get sketchy.
All my life I was diagnosed as having Turrets syndrome and I would shrug off my "odd behavior" as some sort of compulsion. I've tried and tried to "mind over matter" my problems and "just be normal" but ALWAYS fail. I often feel my voice is never heard even if I"m screaming. The more I read on AS the more I know I was misdiagnosed with Turrets. Just reading a few posts on here, for the first time, I know there are people that can relate to the madness that is my life. The obsessive counting, the over analyzing, the general social awkwardness...
I think I've finally found the answer to why I'm so.... Me.

Welcome ferrett

It seems I have some of your same traits. I also get "possessed" by whatever my latest "project" is too. I've been told I'm talking loud when I don't realize it. Until I reached my 30's, I couldn't look people in the eye either. Now I can fake it in certain social situations, but they're still uncomfortable for me.

I also find comfort in music and I create music, although I wouldn't consider myself talented in that area, but that doesn't stop me.

Thank you for your words.
It is great to know people out there are like me and can relate to the very core of my strange little self.
I really find comfort in that fact. I truly thought I was the only person who felt this way inside.
I'd not consider myself an expert musician either, I can play a lot of instruments, but I've not mastered any of them. My truest musical talent is my ear. I make the most amazing tones. Its a Zen like thing, getting lost in microphone placement, compressor ratios, EQ settings and endless amounts of rack gear and pedals.
I have so many tools to create, but can't seem to get past being stuck on my "collection" of tools. I've spent a decade building my gear and knowledge up, only to jam for two hours once a week. The real "reward" to me is hearing it all work and sound great. its very strange and complex. but then again, so am I

Yes, it certainly sounds like you have signs of Asperger's that can be used to your advantage,

We are often project oriented--we can work endlessly on a project, then stop cold turkey, and then work on something else.

This can be really annoying to our wives, sometimes we will forget to clean up after ourselves--the basement is still a mess and the lights are on hours after we finished a project and moved onto the next project!

This is much different from obsessions, which never go away that easily.

Your wife can help. She can get you off track and working on something else--honey--you have half an hour to finish up and start working on the lawn.
With sufficient warning, I can "finish" things up in my mind and get ready to do something else.

Similarly, if you really want to have a great vacation with your wife, take an extra day to "finish" up all your projects, so you can focus on her and the vacation!

Oh, about business socializing--its like Bull Durham, when the up and coming pitcher is taught stock phrases to say to the media.

Its just part of business--listen to your coworkers and memorize phrases that seem appropriate. Small talk isn't an honesty test--which is a problem, since Aspies take things literally. Rather, it is a way of establishing a personal connection so you the person you talk to is less likely to cheat, rob, or mislead you. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense that telling partial truths is a way to establish trust, but NTs are the 99% and get to make the rules.

Thank you all for your suggestions. It means a lot. I will have to get some of my music together to share here. My ear and talent are always a work in progress. I started REALLY listening to music in 4th grade and started playing guitar in 5th grade. I met a man who owned a local studio who was kind enough to take me under his wing and show me everything, I've been hanging out around there for almost ten years. I'm not a very good engineer/producer though. Its hard for me to talk to all of my clients and to suggest this or that to them, A lot of clients need "coaching" and I'm not very good at that. My saving grace is my ear. I play all the rock instruments, so I know how they all should sound. Thanks to AS I have a great attention to audio detail.
A funny story, I once ended up recording two different Mexican style bands in one month. In one group, only one guy spoke English, in the other, none of them did. Those were GREAT accounts because of the language barrier I didn't have to force small talk and chit chat and explain everything I'm doing. The end results of both projects were some of my better work. I didn't know at the time why it was so much easier, for most it probably would have been harder. But now after reading so much about AS and joining this forum, I sure know why.

Welkome to WP

Mick